Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on Mar 25, 2013 19:46:30 GMT -5
Yes, thank you for your kind words justlostanangel. That must be tough being asked so often. I couldn't imagine. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer this sort of loss, especially more than once *hugs* I can't believe someone would actually say something like that, and pointing?! What is wrong with people! Honestly though, I remember when I was pregnant...All I wanted to talk about was my pregnancy and my baby on the way so I was thrilled when people would ask. So I guess it's really a two sided coin...But people should still be more tactful about it. I'm really glad you're thinking about the future. I'm certain that one day you will have an angel or two (or three, nobody knows what the future holds after all!) here on earth to care for in love to add to the love you will always hold in your heart. The amount of love you've expressed for your son in your words shows me what a devoted mother you are and will be you're so strong for being able to share your story and look to the future That makes a lot of sense about wanting them to have a girl I had actually hoped that all my friends would have had girls also...instead they all had boys (or will be having boys). So believe me, I know what you mean. I also kind of hope to have a girl the next time around. Just so that I really don't feel like I'm replacing Alex. But no matter what I will love them with everything I've got. I've been a bit restless these past couple of weeks. I've been a bit stressed and out of sorts because of work and my medication. I'm hoping it's the stress effecting me and not something actually wrong because I'm a week late right now but the pregnancy test I took was negative so I know it's not that Ugh, nothing in life is ever easy is it... If nothing changes by mid April I'm going to have to get in to see my OB I think because I really don't think I can wait any longer. I'm scared that the closer I get to 30 the worse my chances will be. I guess we'll see what the future brings.
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Post by babyflewaway on Apr 1, 2013 17:09:40 GMT -5
Hi Kayt, hope you're feeling better, the restlessness doesn't sound like fun. But work and medication can do that. I know getting close to thirty can make people nervous but it's really not necessarily the end of anything, my sister just had her first baby at thirty-six. I saw little Lucy for Easter yesterday and it made me a bit sad because her cousin should be on the way and isn't....and also because playing with a baby always reminds me of what I'm not going to have. But the saddest part was when she wanted to play with my bracelets....she played with Jonah's memorial bracelet for a while, and no one else knew what was happening. It was an amazing moment and also the saddest thing I've ever seen at the same time.
I'm really not looking forward to flying back home and meeting the new baby....kind of avoiding it. But I fly back Thursday, and eventually it'll have to happen. I just have to keep it together until I get to my apartment and then I can break down when I'm alone.
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Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on Apr 2, 2013 20:07:12 GMT -5
I am feeling a bit better now. My cycle finally made an appearance so that put my mind at ease a bit. Now I just have to wait for April to be done which feels like it's going to take forever but I'm sure will feel like a blink of an eye. As for getting closer to thirty, I think because I had complications the first time around I'm worried that my risk will grow the older I get even though I know most of what happened was fluke.
I hope everything goes smoothly with the flight home and meeting the new baby. I know how tough that can be. I'm glad you got to see your niece and play with her. I can't imagine how hard it was to watch her play with Jonah's bracelet.
I'm a little unsure of what I'm even going to do with my future though. I don't know how much I like my new job even though I'm pretty good at it and the money is good. I don't know if I really enjoy it. I guess I need to give it more of a chance still. At least my direct manager is pretty good and loves having me as part of her team.
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Post by babyflewaway on Apr 8, 2013 17:57:19 GMT -5
Hi Kayt,
Glad you're feeling better. I totally understand the feeling you'll have complications the next time; I know I'll be really scared when I try again, it's just that I'm not trying right now. But I'm sure you've heard all the information that I have and I hope knowing that what happened was most likely a fluke helps. I'm glad your cycle reassured you.
It's good to be home but the flight back was really rough. I was seated right across the aisle from a woman with a beautiful four-month-old baby boy. I was transfixed and also trying not to look because I knew it was just making everything more painful to see her do everything I'll never get to do, like watch him sleep or make him laugh or carry him around on my hip. When I tried to stand up to get a break from it, I saw that there were two more babies, even smaller, on the plane, and ended up hiding in the bathroom crying until people started banging on the door. I've never been so glad to get off a flight in my life.
Meeting the new baby was easier than expected, because I just saw her in passing when my neighbor, her mom, was walking into the house, and my neighbor had her own mom with her, who was very elderly, so she was really focusing on helping her mother get up the steps and so I didn't have to really ooh and aah. Also the new baby, Elizabeth, was fast asleep, so I didn't really interact with her, I just saw her. It still hurt a lot but it could have been much worse.
I hope you start liking your job a bit more, or find something else you like. I'm glad your direct manager is appreciative of you. I feel pretty unsure as to my future too, since I'm in art school but it's so hard to make a career as an artist that I really don't know what I'm going to be able to even do with the degree I'm getting, and on top of that, I'll need to get a work visa if I want to stay in England after I'm done with school, and that's pretty hard. I can't move back to New York because my relationship with my parents isn't good, and I don't know where else in the States I'd move back to, so I guess I'll just have to see what happens. I do at least have plans for the next year and three months, which I feel lucky to have, but after that, things are pretty fuzzy. So I know your work problems are more immediate than mine, but I do sympathize.
How have things been going this week? I know you were feeling quite depressed at one point and I hope that's getting better. I've been a bit down but I'm trying to keep my chin up as much as possible.
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Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on Apr 8, 2013 22:29:30 GMT -5
I had a pretty rough day last Wednesday (couldn't even pull it together enough to get ready for work). I'm feeling a bit better right now though, stressed and overwhelmed but a bit better non the less. It's kind of funny that you're doing an art degree because that's what I've wanted to do for years...I just have no ambition for school and can't stand that environment (any time I took art in school it didn't interest me. My teachers always wanted us to pretty much duplicate works from other artists, I generally got in trouble because I told them I felt that was plagiarism and would just do my own thing haha). I always saw myself making a career for myself in art, just never figured out how and now I'm stuck at an office job on the phones all day. I'm still trying my best at my job but I think I'm overly critical of myself and hate not being the best at what I do. I'm sorry that the plane ride was so tough but at least meeting Elizabeth wasn't too bad. I hope that future encounters continue to be easy. I also hope you're able to figure out the direction you want to take with your degree. I used to see myself as an art teacher in like high school or something, but art history bores me to tears for the most part and I couldn't imagine having to teach it.
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Post by babyflewaway on Apr 26, 2013 20:03:21 GMT -5
Dear Kayt,
So sorry I've been taking so long to respond. I've been thinking of you, but I guess I've been trying to avoid the boards in an attempt to pretend it hasn't happened. The bottom line is I should be five months and I'm not. Jonah should be here in August and he won't be. Nothing's taking that away, no matter how hard I try to pretend.
I saw a pregnant woman in a coffee shop today, and it just brought it all back. Also, they're opening a maternity retreat--a spa for pregnant women, and a place to come right after you have your baby but after you have to leave the hospital so you can get an extra few days' rest--around the corner from me. The sign's already up and I have to pass it to go to the grocery store or the pharmacy, or to get to the nearest ATM. I have the impulse to just find another grocery store, pharmacy and ATM, but am trying to stay strong enough to get past it.
The real thing that's going to kill me is Mother's Day, because May 12 happens to be my birthday as well. It seems so ironic: I was born on Mother's Day (it was actually Mother's Day the year I was born), and yet my relationship with my own mother is horrible and I couldn't be a mother myself. I'll probably spend the whole day in bed.
But I was holding it together until tonight, when I got an email inviting me to a Mother's Day lunch for my sister, in honor of her first year as a mother. On my birthday. When I don't have my baby. When I should be pregnant, and I'm not.
It was sent out by my brother-in-law, and I'm not sure if he has any idea of what happened or not; I don't know whether or not my sister told him. So it's not really his fault. And I can't come anyway; he invited me to be nice, but I'm across the Atlantic. I know it's better that I can't come; I'd just ruin my sister's special day by being upset, but it's supposed to be my special day too. And I can't help but think that on May 12th, when I'm lying in bed, crying about my broken relationship with my mother, who is, to be honest, verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and crying about my dead son, my mother will be celebrating with my sister. There's nothing to describe how much the thought of it hurts, which makes me realize that it's going to be so much worse than I thought. I thought I could handle Mother's Day being my birthday, but I can't. I don't know what I'm going to do.
It's so great to know you're interested in art too. How are things? It's been too long.
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Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on Apr 30, 2013 11:26:44 GMT -5
I'm so sorry things haven't been going well for you. I've been thinking a lot of you as well and wondering how you were doing. I haven't come here as often either.
I've actually been to see a couple of councilors (at the request of my boss). I've been having a really hard time with my new job. I'm not used to being at a desk all day and talking to strangers on the phone. I thought I'd enjoy it and relished the fact that nobody would be able to see me and nobody would ask me questions as to where I'd been and why I was back working and no longer pregnant and so on. Turns out I just feel isolated now and keep breaking down at work. I think my boss is getting pretty fed up with me (though she doesn't say it to me). I've only been there for 3 months and I've already used up all my sick time for my grief issues. And now I've managed to mess up my back again (sprained it at work a few years back, now it just randomly goes out over the littlest things) so I'll be missing pay and won't get my bonus now for the month. Both my ears are also infected some how at the moment so that just sort of adds to it all.
I feel like my sanity is slipping a lot of the time. And I feel so alone and like nobody around me understands why I can't help but act the way I do. I've certainly achieved making people at work feel very uncomfortable around me... But April was when we conceived last year and I can't stop thinking about how my son should be here and I shouldn't even have to be going to work.
A girl that I work with just lost a baby. She told me and I didn't even know what to say and before I could say anything a bunch of our coworkers came into the room so it was too late. I feel so horrible for freezing up like that. She has a nine month old son though that she can go home to...But I know she's still hurting from the loss.
My husband and I both decided that we couldn't wait until May to start trying so we started this month. I was so upset when my cycle showed up because I was certain I was pregnant (I guess it was all in my head though as I had a bunch of symptoms). I even bought an ovulation kit because I feel so desperate. It doesn't help that my friend keeps telling me all about her newborn and posting pictures and what not. He's all she talks about for the most part. I can't fault her for it though as I'd probably be the same way.
My councilors have helped me a fair bit though. He suggested I write Alex a letter about how I'm feeling, what I'm missing and what I had dreamed our future together would be like. It's hard to write but it really helps to let it out. I've learned I have to stop trying to bottle it in and just cry when the need arises.
The snow is still depressing me as well. It's almost May and there's still a ton of snow everywhere and it even snowed this morning. This has been the longest winter I've ever seen. It started the day before Alex passed away and hasn't stopped since. I keep thinking about that weekend. It's like a broken record playing over and over in my head.
I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately as well. He knows what happened and still hasn't bothered to contact me. For some reason him and my step mother think I'm very materialistic when all I wanted from him was a phone call on my birthday and him to at least pretend to be happy for me on the life moments that should be the happiest in someone's life. When I told him I had gotten engaged he simply said "So?" then couldn't even be bothered to come to our wedding. When he found out I was pregnant he acted as if I was some stupid 14 year old who had accidentally conceived. Thankfully my brother set him straight (which is probably the only decent thing he's ever done for me). It just bothers me so much that he knows but doesn't care to reach out. He's been through an almost identical situation and he still doesn't care enough to pick up the phone. But I guess what do I expect, he's a chain smoking alcoholic that's never really taken an interest in me.
I'm really dreading mother's day too. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. I'm thinking I will finish my letter to Alexander before then and take it to him that day and read it to him. I don't know if it'll help but hopefully it will. I know I'll be thinking of you and I hope the day is gentle on you.
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Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on May 12, 2013 18:51:17 GMT -5
I hope today isn't being too hard on you. Happy Mother's day
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