just two days gone

[babyflewaway]

i lost my baby jonah at eight weeks and five days two days ago, on january 3rd 2013.

i know i couldn't have known my baby's sex yet. but i always knew he'd be a boy. i named him jonah because i have a tattoo already of a dove flying into a starry sky, and jonah means dove. that's exactly what he did; he flew straight out of me into a starry sky.

i didn't know i wanted him. i was raped in november by two men. they drugged me at a club and then took me home. i was anesthetized and couldn't feel what happened to me, trapped in the house until i did what they wanted. by the time i left i was black and blue and a piercing was half ripped out of me, my toe was somehow dislocated (which i didn't even notice till i got home) and all the housemates were shouting at me: get out of here. we don't want you. sleeper, the door is that way, the train is that way. this is our house, very *friendly* person, get out.

and suddenly even though i'd taken the morning after pill i was late and sick and my head hurt and the test was positive. faint positive, but positive, and then positive a second time. and my jonah was on the way. and i thought i couldn't keep him, i didn't have the money, i was in school, i'd have an abortion even though i wasn't sure if i believed in abortion because i had no free will in his conception so i wasn't sure if God wanted him to exist. and i didn't even know which of the two men was his father.

and then somehow I fell in love with him.

i started to talk to him, sing to him. i thought, this is stupid, you can't keep this baby, don't get attached. and then i started to think, what if i did? what if i took time off from grad school, or even left? what if, even though i didn't plan this, this is the best thing that ever happened to me? what if, whoever his dad is, the most important thing is that he's mine?

and only four days after i started thinking that way, i went to the doctor's office to confirm the pregnancy. i went to the bathroom to give them urine. and suddenly there was bright red blood.

i was shocked. confused. i was a month late. how could it be my period? and the blood color was wrong. but i told the doctor about the blood, and i tested not pregnant. i told them i'd had not one but two positive pregnancy tests at home, that i'd started throwing up and had tension headaches and my breasts were swollen out of my bras. my doctor said it was stress, or i was making it up.

i went to visit a friend, thinking i'd just been crazy, i'd made my baby up, he'd never existed. then the pain started. i stopped back by the doctor's and told them i thought i was miscarrying. they said we're closed, we can't help, come tomorrow. when i got home i found out from the internet: a positive test followed by a negative test is a classic sign of a miscarriage. i made sure i had painkillers in the house before the pain got too bad to walk and settled down for the night.

i called a hotline to ask questions and, upon describing my situation, was told that i was probably having a miscarriage and to get someone to drive me to the hospital immediately. but there was no one to drive me. so i stayed at home, bleeding, and contracted as i watched the tiny pieces of my tiny baby slip away.

the next day i went to the doctor. i told her what had happened. she gave me another pregnancy test, which i expected to be negative. it was. the doctor told me that despite my two positive tests, her pregnancy test was the one that was right. she asked how i knew this wasn't my period. i said the blood's the wrong color, there was too much blood all at once and now there's not enough, i felt contractions, i couldn't breathe, i saw pieces of my baby. i saw him. i saw him.

she said, it's probably just an abnormally heavy period, because you took emergency contraception.

that cut me so deep. to have someone say not just that my baby was gone but that he'd never been there. when i'd felt my jeans begin to get tighter, felt those crazy food cravings and that strange metal taste in my mouth. when i'd seen him just the night before as i lost more blood than i've ever lost in my life.

i bought him a toy yesterday. a blue soft bunny rattle. it's in my bed now. i hold it and wish i could play with it with him. he wouldn't have even been able to hear it yet.

my priest told me God will give me a baby someday. that's great, i guess. but i don't want just any baby. i want my baby. my jonah.

and there's no time anymore, i just lie in bed trying to deal with the back pain that i've had since what I'm sure was a miscarriage and sometimes the sun is out in my window and sometimes i need a lamp and that's the only time i know. i count the days as days he's been gone. but what time it is, i don't know.

i'm sure everyone who's never been through this would think i'm crazy. but i love that little boy more than i've ever loved anyone or anything. i've always been closer with my sister than with anyone on this planet and i used to say i'd never love anyone more than i loved her, no matter what happened. well, jonah, my dove, you proved me wrong.

fly away, my dove. i can only take comfort in hoping i'll live my life to make you proud, hoping that you'll tell the other little angels in heaven you're proud that you're my little boy. mine, always, whoever's else you are.

jonah daniel, november 17 2012-january 3 2013. you're my prayer, my sweetest dream, the song of my soul. fly high and never stop. your mama is proud of you.

but now i have to keep going without you, to go back to school, to go back to life. and i don't know how. i don't know how to fake normal when i'm broken into pieces. without you.

i don't want to let anyone see me cry but i can't stop crying.

jonah, i'd trade places with you in a heartbeat, if God gave me a chance to bring you into this world. unfortunately He didn't leave that up to me. please look out for your mama and help her be strong for you. i know i'm supposed to look out for you and it should be the other way around, all of this should be the other way around. but that's not the way it is. i'm here, and you're not, and i need you.

i'd give anything, everything, all of myself just to hold you in my arms for one second.

[triangelmom]

I am so sorry for your loss, for your grief in the aftermath and for what you went through last year. You are in mourning for the loss of a precious baby that you never got to know and that is a very sad, very real loss. Please don't grieve alone. Find someone or people to talk to who will validate and support you in the coming days, weeks months.
I am here if you ever want to talk.
Hugs,
Hannah

[Clara Hinton]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. And, I'm so sorry for all you've been through -- so much grief on so many different levels.

I love the name "Jonah" -- so very fitting for your baby.

Please visit often and come get the support you need to carry you through the weeks ahead.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,
Clara

[babyflewaway]

i just want to thank everyone for all the sympathy i've gotten. it's been so helpful.

i didn't really have any medical care when i first lost jonah. as i said, my gp (normal md; i live in London) wouldn't believe i'd ever been pregnant. on wednesday morning, after yet another sleepless night, i decided to walk into the hospital, just because i was still in so much pain, both in my lower stomach and in my back, and i wasn't even bleeding anymore, so i didn't understand, and i had never been thoroughly examined.

i thought i was going to have to plead with the nurses at the hospital to do an ultrasound just to make sure i was all right and then to hopefully give me some stronger painkillers. instead, as soon as i described what had happened to the assessment nurse, i was rushed right through and immediately admitted to the hospital.

for a while i was on a heart machine because my heart was beating 122 beats a minute. i'm not entirely sure why; i attribute it mostly to stress, fear, and a lack of sleep (i still haven't slept a night since i lost jonah). they said i looked a little dry so i got an iv and some fluids. they also immediately did blood tests. i was told that if the pregnancy hormones were low, the miscarriage was likely complete and i could go home and come back for an ultrasound, but if there were enough hormones that it was possible i was still pregnant, there was a risk of an ectopic pregnancy, and i'd need an immediate scan and possibly more drastic measures.

i was terrified. i hadn't even thought of the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. then they gave me some really strong painkillers, and i got a little less scared because i was just so woozy. even with the strongest painkillers they could give me, though, i still felt the pain.

i just had to wait until the blood test came back and luckily and sadly it came back not pregnant. luckily because i'm not in danger, and sadly because my baby's gone. but i suppose i already knew he was gone, so i was mostly relieved. they discharged me the same day, and now i just have to go back for an ultrasound scan sometime next week to see if the miscarriage is complete or if there's any of my baby left that needs to be taken out. i don't know if i should look at the screen or not. i think probably i won't. i would have, if there were a chance of seeing him alive, but i don't want to see him dead, just in pieces.

the doctor at the hospital examined me, which my gp wouldn't even do, and said she was quite sure i'd been pregnant and had had a miscarriage. it was good to be believed, to be taken seriously, and also to have someone competent check me out. then i talked to my gp on the phone today about organizing the ultrasound and she said, "well, it's possible you were pregnant, but there's other possibilities." i just told her, "you never examined me, and the other doctor did, so i'm going to go with what she concluded, because she was really sure." it's like i can't get this gp to believe anything. and then she said, "well, when we do the ultrasound, we'll find out."

find out what? my baby's gone, that's what a miscarriage is. how does she expect to see my pregnancy in a post-miscarriage ultrasound? i really don't get it. i'm changing gps as soon as possible.

she did, luckily, prescribe me a lot of strong painkillers, which i really need because i am in intense pain all the time and haven't been able to get anything done. i think she's trying to buy me back because she realizes that her conduct has been completely unacceptable and she made a huge mistake. i mean, i literally started miscarrying in her office, and she sent me home. then i came back twice, and she told me nothing was wrong. i could complain about her and have an investigation launched. i'm a bit insulted that she's buying me with painkillers but i really do need them.

the weird thing is that the friends i've told keep telling me this was the way for things to end, that i should be happy. and i guess in a way that makes sense: having this baby would have meant giving up a lot, and i wouldn't have had his dad around to help me out. but they don't understand how you fall in love with your kid. even though i never met him face to face, i still feel like jonah's my kid. i still feel like a mom, even though i only had him for six weeks (the eight weeks above was backdating to my last period). i think a lot of people would think that's crazy. maybe it is. i don't care. he was mine.

i drink a bit at night to take the edge off ever since. not too much, just one drink or two, but i'm not sure i should be doing it. maybe if i can stop myself in the next week it's understandable as a post-miscarriage thing. but i can't let it spiral into anything else.

is this common? has anyone else ever had issues with drinking maybe more than normal after a miscarriage, not getting drunk, but just drinking when you didn't before?

i need to stop. jonah's not going to have a mom with a drinking problem. i wouldn't have done that to him if he were still here, and i won't do it to him even now that he's gone.

i've ordered a copper bracelet that says "angel you were born to fly" on it, and then inside just "mine for always". i can't wait till it comes in the mail, can't wait to wear it. i figure from the quote on the outside people will just think it's some motivational thing for me. no one else will need to know. just jonah will, and maybe it'll make him smile. the smile i never got to see.

[Kayt]

Aww sweetie I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I had a big issue with the doctors I had been seeing also (they kept brushing me off even though I was high risk) so I know just how frustrating that is.

It's not crazy to think of yourself as a mom because you are a mom. Your Jonah will always be a part of your life, even if it was only for a short while. It's amazing how someone so small can touch our hearts in such a big way.

All the grief books I've read have warned against easing the pain with drugs, alcohol or even sugar. It's best to just let it out. Let yourself grieve your loss because it really is a tragedy. But remind yourself that your angel is always watching over you and will always be with you in your heart.

I bought myself a locket after we lost our son Alexander, and I can honestly say that wearing it has helped ease the pain a bit because it's like he's still right here with me and a reminder that he really was there and wasn't just a dream.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry your doctor handled your situation so terribly.

[babyflewaway]

thanks so much for your reply. i guess i'm doing all right. i just miss my baby.

i'm trying not to drink. and after i read your message i realized i have been eating a lot of sugar recently and maybe i need to keep track of it. the thing is i just don't feel like i can let the grief out because only a few people even knew i was pregnant because of the horrible way it happened, and those people think that the fact that i lost my baby is a blessing in disguise. they don't understand how much i miss him. it doesn't make any sense to them. so i kind of feel like i have no one to talk to.

i wish i could tell the guys who raped me a lot of things, like that i bled for forty-eight hours, was on codeine painkillers, had to go to the hospital to rule out severe internal injury, basically how badly they hurt me. but more than that, i wish that i could have told them that one of them has a child, or would have had one. i wish they knew. even though i guess they wouldn't care.

i just feel inadequate. i don't understand why my body couldn't hold on.

and i'm kind of starting to see this guy that i'm completely crazy about, and i feel about him things i've never felt about anyone in my whole life, and part of me is crazy enough to start thinking already that he might be the one for me. but there's so much he doesn't know. and how am i supposed to tell him about this, and how is he going to react? he knows something really bad happened, but he doesn't know what, and he's not pressuring me to tell him (another one of the great things about him that i love). but still i wish i could because so quickly he's becoming my best friend, the person who knows me the best and would know how to console me, would know what to say and how to comfort me in a way other people haven't.

and i'm afraid my back is completely ruined, it hurts so much and made this huge cracking noise today that completely terrified one of my friends, but he has no idea what's going on so i couldn't tell him. i don't know what to do about it. i don't feel bad about taking some painkillers but i don't want to take too many. and what if something's really wrong, and it doesn't get better?

just feeling so alone and confused. and there's no one to help, because all of my friends think my miscarriage was this great blessing. how do i tell them it hurts like h*ll?

[Kayt]

It's natural to miss your little one, but you should let it out. Holding in your grief will only prolong the hurt and it could come out in other ways. And you're always welcome to talk here. It really does help to let it out.

I was sexually abused as a child. It's not something I tell a lot of people (I feel safe saying it here though). When I first met my husband I was quite depressed. I felt like nothing in my life ever went right. He genuinely cared about me so I told him what had happened. He didn't really know what to say at first, but he was still there for me and it really helped to move past it by getting it out.

It sounds like your back may be sprained. I've managed to sprain my back before and it's very painful, but as it started to heal it would make these really loud and awful cracking sounds. It took about 3 weeks for it to finally start to feel normal, but it is still not the strongest and does get sore from time to time.

Unless someone has gone through the hurt of losing someone they care so much for there's really no way for them to understand. That's why this forum is such a great place. It's really helped me feel like I'm really not alone.

It wasn't your fault that it happened. Life isn't fair to most of us unfortunately, but it's not always all bad. It'll take time for you to heal and be able to carry on. You won't ever forget him, he'll always be a part of you but the pain will ease if you let yourself grieve. Today marks the two month mark since I had to say goodbye to my son. It hurts like crazy but I know that in time the hurt won't feel so raw.

[babyflewaway]

thanks so much for your message, kayt. it really means a lot. i'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you went through. it takes a strong person to get through that.

i'm feeling kind of alone because i just tagged along with friends of a friend for dinner, and they were all talking about how hard it was to have small children, and how much work it was, how intense pregnancy was, and they assumed, since i don't have a child in this world to show them, that i don't know anything about it.

i just wanted to start screaming. to say: how can you say this to me, i had morning sickness only two weeks ago so don't tell me what it feels like as if i've never had it. don't tell me how your breasts were swollen, because mine were too. and don't tell me how hard it is to have a little child, because at the end of dinner, you're going home to read your baby a bedtime story, and i never got to. my baby is dead. so just stop.

but of course when everyone's talking about these things that they pretend are so difficult (really just a way for them to get to talk about how lucky they are to have kids, or that's what it feels like right now) it's with a lot of laughs and happiness, and i don't feel comfortable divulging so much personal information, nor do i want to ruin everyone's mood. but then it feels like i'm pretending my baby was never there. and he was.

it's just all so confusing. i don't want to be here, don't want to be trying to be normal and faking everything all the time. all i want to do is lie in bed and shut out the world. unfortunately i'm in school so that's not an option. i've got to find ways to get it out. i have certain friends i can talk to about it. it's just i'm not sure they understand. but maybe just me talking about it is helpful anyway.

thanks for the information about the possibly sprained back. i'll look into it. i'm still in a lot of lower abdominal pain too, but i suppose that's normal.

thanks to everyone for reading and replying. you don't know how much it means.

[Kayt]

You're welcome, anything I can do to help I will do.

Talking about it really seems to help me, at least so far anyways. I don't have very many close friends who understand either. They listen, but they don't have any idea of how I really feel. I also feel like I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record to them so I've stopped reaching out as much because I really don't like being a bother.

Your loss is still very recent so it's natural that it's going to still hurt. Don't expect it to just go away, you'll need to let it run it's course. Everyone grieves differently and at a different rate. Be gentle on yourself and try not to get so down on yourself.

[babyflewaway]

Thanks, Kayt. I really appreciate your support.

I have a little update on my situation. I was in excruciating pain in both my stomach and my back tonight, and wondered if I should walk into the hospital tomorrow no matter what, or if I should only walk in if it didn't feel better in the morning. I called to ask and was immediately told that an ambulance would be coming to get me right away.

It turned out I have pelvic inflammatory disease, which, as you all probably know, can happen after a miscarriage. But the doctor kept insinuating it wasn't my miscarriage and was probably because I sleep around, which I don't, even though that's not a reason to treat someone badly if they do. In fact, I've never had unsafe sex outside of being raped, and after being raped tested negative for chlamydia and gonnorrhea, the two STDs that most often cause PID. And the pain that I went to the hospital about started the night I miscarried, which was not a hygienic miscarriage as it happened at my home. But none of this mattered. I got raped. I'm a very *friendly* person.

I guess it's good to know what's wrong with me as I can get the pills to treat it now, but it does worry me, as some women experience infertility after PID. But I've got it now, so the sooner I get rid of it the better chance I have of being able to have a baby someday. I suppose that's all I can do. I just hate being treated like a piece of trash. I feel that way so often anyway, I'm so self-critical, I don't need someone telling me that that's what I am.

I just don't get it: why does what these two men did to me change who I am? All I did was go to a club with my friend. That's it. What makes what they did normal, and me the sleeper? And even if this doctor thinks that, why say it to my face when he knows I'm in emotional pain for losing my baby, and in such excruciating physical pain that I need intravenous painkillers?

I always thought doctors were supposed to care about their patients. Recently I keep finding out I was wrong.

If I hadn't lost Jonah I'd be worthy of respect as a mom-to-be. Now suddenly I'm some kind of tramp who "lets" other men rape her (that's not even anything that makes sense in the English language) and then can't even hold on to her own baby.

I'm so angry. Hoping I can get to sleep and not dream about it and just forget, at least until tomorrow. Sorry to be depressing but I had to get it out. Love to all.

[Kayt]

It's okay to let it out, it's better to.

From my experience a lot of doctors really don't seem to care at all and they're only after the pay check. I'm so sorry they've been so horrible to you. There's no excuse for that and no reason for them to treat you like that. It wasn't your fault what those men did to you. The loss of Jonah also wasn't your fault, but you're still his mom. The fact that you care so deeply for him deserves respect. I respect anyone that holds that kind of love in their heart for their little ones, whether they're in heaven or on earth.

[babyflewaway]

thanks so much, kayt. your support means so much to me. i was thinking tonight about how there's no one else in the world--except you, and the other people who read my posts--that knows i have a child. because most people know nothing, and to the few who know, he was just a bunch of cells. why would i be distraught over losing a bunch of cells i didn't even intend to conceive in the first place?

but it changes you, it really does. i know many of you who are reading have been changed profoundly and irreversibly in the same way i have been.

he's been gone two weeks today. two excruciating weeks. and it brings me comfort to write here and read your responses, to read the right quotes and listen to the right songs, but at the end of the day, nothing's bringing my baby back. i don't want another baby someday (well, maybe i will, but that's not the point right now). i want my Jonah, here, back in my belly and then in my arms. and it's impossible, and no matter how much crying i do he's still not here with me. I feel like I'm still really young and there are so many possibilities in my life and I'm not losing sight of that, but the one thing I want most of all is what I can't have.

[Kayt]

You're more than welcome and I'm glad I've been able to help. I know it would have been impossible for me to ease my own pain, leaning on others (like those on this site) has really helped.

Jonah may have still been in the early stages, but he had all the makings of being your baby and that's why you're attached. It's what those cells represent. He was still your little boy and always will be. There's nothing wrong with the kind of love you feel for him (which unfortunately translates into pain right now). I'm glad you're able to see your potential. And who knows, life throws curve balls and we just have to go with the flow. I do know exactly how you feel with wanting the one thing you can't have. I feel like that every day, but at the same time I'm so glad I have him to hold in my heart.

I know that it's hard to hear that it gets easier in time, but so far time has been some what kind to me. My heart still feels raw, but I'm having more better days now. I'm not crying every day anymore (though it still feels like every second day or so) and I feel like I'm able to smile a little more and don't feel as guilty for it. It seems like things are starting to look up a little more so it makes me trust people more when they say it gets easier in time.

Any time you need to talk I'm here for you

[babyflewaway]

thanks so much, kayt. having a bit of a rough night. i went to my friend's housewarming and was already having a hard time being the only one not drinking, because i can't with the medication for the pelvic inflammatory disease and also i don't think it's good for me right now. i wasn't having a hard time because i missed it, but because it's always annoying to be the only sober person around a bunch of drunk people.

my friends were serving a lot of sweets, which we'd all been enjoying. and then when i decided to go my friend asked if she could get me anything, and i said no, i'd had enough, and she said, "i know, i feel like i'm having a chocolate baby...."

i know she didn't mean anything by it. but she knows what happened and she didn't think, probably because she was quite drunk by that point, and i know it was just a figure of speech and i know she didn't mean anything about actually being pregnant. still, it just got me: you don't know what it feels like to be having a baby. and you don't know what it feels like when you lose one. not just one, but yours, your flesh and blood, your own, the one you love. and he's never coming back, not ever. you'll never hold him in your arms, hear his first cry, hear him laugh, watch him sleep. and all of those things were on the way, were going to happen, and then he was just...gone.

your post gives me hope. i need time to help me, i can't take this forever. going to have some tea and a bath and try to calm down and get some sleep and see how tomorrow goes.

[Kayt]

Just take it one day at a time

And I know how insensitive people can be, unfortunately people just don't know the impact their words can have.

I really hope you have a better day tomorrow. I'm glad you're getting out there and trying to enjoy yourself a bit, even if it doesn't always work out it's still good to go out and feel normal for a little while.