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Post by babyflewaway on Jan 22, 2013 10:08:43 GMT -5
your words do help. kayt. i'm trying to stay strong.
unfortunately i've been in the hospital since saturday. woke up with my pain much worse and a high fever and rapid heartbeat and was rushed in on ambulance. i was on fluids, morphine, then other intravenous painkillers and intravenous anti-sickness drugs and antibiotics, just got the port taken out last night. finally on oral medications and hoping to get out tonight or tomorrow.
what has been the worst hasn't even been the pain. what has been the worst is the woman two beds away, who tells her life story to everyone. and her life story is just her children and grandchildren. she keeps talking all about her son and her daughter and how it was to have them and what they were like as little kids and what her grandkids are like now and how old they are. it just breaks my heart. and each and every woman who walks by she asks, "do you have children?" And then asks all about that woman's children, which gives her an opportunity to brings up hers again....
I hear every single word. It is positively torturous. A million times worse than the physical pain I'm in, which is still significant. I'm wondering why she hasn't asked me yet, if she knows why I'm here or if she doesn't. I'm so angry, especially if she knows I just had a miscarriage, but even if she doesn't I'm angry because she should know enough to just be quiet. And because I'm jealous that she has this beautiful happy family and I don't. I almost wish she could ask me if I had a child so I could just tell her, Yes, he'll have been dead for three weeks on Thursday, thanks very much. Make her realize what she's doing.
I have to get out of here or I'll positively lose my mind. I'm just trying to keep my curtain pulled so I don't see her and cry silently so no one hears and asks me about it. Only one more night. I can do this.
Thanks for the support, everyone. Xx
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Kayt
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Post by Kayt on Jan 22, 2013 22:23:41 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that some people have no tact and don't think before they speak. *hugs*
I spent my weekend in the hospital too. Had to get my gallbladder removed and some stones removed...Not a fun time. I cried once I woke up from surgery because it hit me that I hadn't spent the night in the hospital since Alex passed so it just sort of reminded me.
I'm really sorry that you're in pain both physically and emotionally.
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Post by babyflewaway on Jan 23, 2013 17:17:01 GMT -5
kayt, i'm so sorry you were in the hospital too! i'm hoping you're feeling better. i know the loss of your baby boy is so hard. i don't know what to say to make it better except to quote what you said to me and say time will help.
now that i'm out of the hospital i'm feeling much better, the intravenous antibiotics really worked so i'm in much less pain.
emotionally it was still bad though. like i said, i just closed the curtains around my bed and tried to cry silently.
and then, yesterday, the day i left, there was this woman who had an operation, and her husband and kids came to visit. she had a little boy. he gave her a balloon and then climbed onto the bed and lay in her arms.
jonah will never do that. ever. that's all gone. that future is in the past tense.
and i'm just in tears tonight, alone, no baby in my tummy and no baby in my arms. i pretended things were normal today, but how did i do it? now i can't even imagine hiding this nervous breakdown.
i'm the only one who loves jonah. his dad didn't care. and my friends think his death was for the best. well, jonah, i'll love you enough for everyone and twenty times more. just stay with me, in my heart always, and you'll feel it every second. love is strong as death.
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Kayt
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Post by Kayt on Jan 23, 2013 18:24:22 GMT -5
I'll be okay, I am starting to feel a little less pain every day. I think the worst part is I have to force myself to be stronger right now since crying is far to painful physically. I'm a little stressed at the moment too since I'm interviewing for a new job (kind of out of no where I had an interview today. It was pretty crazy). I'm hoping the distraction during the day will due me good.
I'm glad you're feeling better at least physically. I'm also sure that Jonah loves you just as much as you love him. There's no doubt in my mind that he will always be in your heart and always watching out for his mama.
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Post by justlostanangel on Jan 26, 2013 0:20:40 GMT -5
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} Hon, my heart is broken for you! To be brave enough to decide to keep & raise that sweet baby (you & Jonah are innocent!), & then to have to endure the pain of losing him. You would think that drs would have more sensitivity; after all, the Hippocratic oath starts with "to do no harm!" Sadly, you find people who don't know what to say everywhere IRL. ( I hope that you're feeling better! Sounds like the health care system really let you down, go say the least! Yikes! Hoping that your physical recovery goes smoothly, & quickly. Emotionally---that can take a while! But, it DOES get better!! And it doesn't mean you love Jonah any less when you start to find your smile, your laugh, etc......it just means that raw ache & grief is easing, & that is OK! So sorry for your loss, & please know that we are here for you!
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Post by babyflewaway on Jan 29, 2013 15:45:06 GMT -5
Thanks so much for all of the support. This weekend has been quite simply hellish because I would have started my second trimester on Sunday. It makes me really realize how small Jonah was. It's unbelievable how someone so tiny can change you forever.
During the day I fake a smile and an even keel. At night I lie on my sofa, try not to have a drink, get around to it eventually, and cry. I can't sleep anymore without medication, and I'm still in pain. I could care less about the physical pain. It's my broken heart that hurts.
I just want to go back to January second, the day before I lost Jonah. I don't think I did anything special. Little did I know it would be the most precious day of my life.
My bracelet shipped, the custom one that reads "angel you were born to fly". I can't wait until I get it. I think it'll bring some comfort. I've thought about a tattoo but I would need to think for a while, and anyway if you read my original post Jonah kind of already has a tattoo. But I have thought of getting the words "love is strong as death" somewhere on me. I love that quote, it's from the Bible and I think it's so beautiful and so true. But I need to think.
I did make some progress being more honest with my therapist about how I feel today, so that's good. But I still don't feel okay. I don't think I could feel okay unless I got my baby back, which isn't possible. I guess what I have to do is figure out who I am without him. I have no idea. For tonight there's my sofa and my tears and tomorrow I guess I'll try to find a brave face to put on.
Thank you all. God bless (or luck, or whatever you believe in, or just have a nice day!)
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Post by babyflewaway on Feb 2, 2013 16:05:39 GMT -5
tomorrow it'll be a month. a month since I lost jonah.
how do i get through tonight?
i'm sitting here waiting for tomorrow to come. because if i go to sleep tomorrow will come sooner. i'm savoring every second of this sweetness, this beautiful pain, where a month ago Jonah was, as far as i know, still alive.
but tomorrow it'll hit me. i don't think it'll be the stroke of midnight when the date changes that'll get me, but around three pm tomorrow afternoon, a month from that moment when i saw the blood and felt the pain and started wondering what was happening.
i don't know what to do to make this better. there's nothing i can do to make this not hurt. just go through it, and come out the other side.
i'll probably spend tomorrow in bed, crying and (if i'm honest) drinking. luckily it's sunday so i'll get to church at some point, which will help. maybe i'll bring flowers and put them at the foot of the Pieta statue that is in one of the chapels in my church. that statue looks so different to me now, Mary holding her dead son. i used to focus on the fact that this was a depiction of Jesus, whom I view as my savior, or that Mary was special as the mother of God. now every time I look at that statue I see a woman just like me, a mother with a dead child, with no idea where to turn now except to her grief.
I'll probably be back here ranting tomorrow, if I can do anything at all. sorry to be so depressing but i'm at my wit's end.
Please, make it not be true. I'll do anything, Lord, just let it not be true. Let this not have happened. Give me my baby back. He's all I want. I'll do anything.
Somehow I don't think that prayer's going to be answered.
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Post by babyflewaway on Feb 8, 2013 17:44:21 GMT -5
why has it been more than a month? how did i survive the anniversary? why didn't it hurt more, and when will i stop feeling guilty for still being here? do i even want to?
i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know how to keep feeling like this. i don't know how to not feel like this. i don't know how or why to keep trying.
someone, anyone, please, make me feel less alone, if there's anyone out there. i'm desperate, and i need you.
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Kayt
Junior Member
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Post by Kayt on Feb 15, 2013 19:29:55 GMT -5
It does slowly get better. On the 12th of this month it was the three month anniversary of Alex passing. I didn't notice until the 13th as I'd thrown myself back into work and when I realized what I had forgotten on the evening of the 13th I broke down and couldn't contain myself for the rest of the evening. I'm feeling better today though, that's how I know it gets better. It has to. It still feels so wrong to not have him around. I hate that my body doesn't seem to remember at all anymore that I was pregnant. It makes me feel like it was just a bad dream but then that thought upsets me because I know my baby was real but it's like the world doesn't want him to be.
I really hope that you're doing well. All we can do is take things one day at a time and hope for the best.
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Post by babyflewaway on Mar 3, 2013 6:39:04 GMT -5
Thanks so much, Kayt. I know it's been a while since I wrote because I've just been a bit all over the place. I've been waiting to get my HIV results because of my assault, and it takes three months for the antibodies to show up in your bloodstream, so I had to wait until February to get the test. Luckily it came out negative on Thursday, but since then I've basically been sleeping as much as I can. I don't think I was letting myself realize how scared I was until afterwards when I relaxed. Dreams of the assault are bad but medication helps.
Jonah's still gone. You all know that, but I had to write it.
Some days I'm okay. Other days I scream and cry. I've stopped drinking alone, though, which is great.
There's another woman in my class who has a nine-year-old son and won't stop talking about him. It kills me. Last weekend I finally told her I had a miscarriage once--not saying how recent it was--to get her to be a bit more sensitive and her response was "You know, sometimes they come back."
Come back? No, that's the thing, he's not coming back. He's never coming back, ever. The problem is that you get to hold your son in your arms every night and I never will.
Another baby, someday, is not Jonah coming back. He was unique. He was special. There will never be another Jonah. Why can't she see that?
Then later that night, some guy didn't let us into a pub (yes, I live in London), and she said, "I can't believe he wouldn't let us in, I mean, I'm a mother!" Two hours after I told her I still think of myself as a mom, it's just that my baby's not here, she starts going on about how she's a mother and I'm not.
I guess that's been the most painful thing recently. Well, that and a counselor telling me that since I miscarried at home, no one will ever be able to positively prove that Jonah ever existed, because "they don't have what you lost" to test for another person's DNA. Even though she says it's obvious I had a miscarriage, and everyone at the hospital who took care of me thought it was obvious that I'd had a miscarriage. Even though I got pelvic inflammatory disease and have tested negative for all of the infections that cause it, so with that plus the inexplicable extremely painful rapid blood loss, a miscarriage is pretty obvious.
So basically, I know, she knows, the doctors know. But every time someone looks at my medical records, there will always be a bit of a doubt as to whether or not Jonah was real.
It just gets under my skin. I want him to be here, real, in this world, and I can't even get his memory to be real.
But I'm keeping going. I guess there's nothing else to do. Thanks to everyone for all your support.
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Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on Mar 7, 2013 19:33:38 GMT -5
That woman had no right to tell you that you're not a mother. To me, it's that love you feel towards your child that makes you a mother. It doesn't matter if that child is by your side or in your heart. They're still your baby and you're still their mother. People can be very insensitive. I've come across that a couple of times recently also.
I actually just started a new job which is why I haven't been on much lately. We had two weeks of training and two women in the class kept going on and on about their kids and how proud they are and what not. And then our trainer brought up a funeral home as an example for part of the class... I almost cried. One woman even asked "Do you have any kids?" It's such an innocent question with such a painful answer. I told her it was complicated and she looked at me like I was crazy. I told her that yes, I have a son, but he's no longer with me and then just walked away. I just couldn't bring myself to explain what had happened. I ended up telling another girl I work with about Alex. She knows the entire story now. But she asked a couple of pretty hurtful questions without thinking (she's still just a teenager so I forgave her pretty quickly. She seems to be a bit naive about the world and just unaware of how hurtful things said can be). She asked me if he had been alive. I told her that he had been alive while I carried him but that I never got to see him when he was. She's a very sweet girl and seemed to realize she had said something wrong by the tone in my voice.
It's still hard though. I feel like I'm slipping back into the grief. I had tried so hard to pull myself up and try to live normally so that I could do my job. I almost cried at work today though. I keep a little stuffed elephant on my desk so I can hold something in my arms when that emotion washes over me. I think it may be getting to the point though that I should seek help from a professional. There have been a couple of times where I wished I had simply slipped away while they were operating on me in January. I finally admitted to my dh the other night how I'm really feeling inside and it upset him understandable. I told him that I couldn't hurt him like that though, which is true, so I'm trying my best to hang on for now.
I think one of the main hurts I'm feeling right now is that one of my best friends is about to have her baby (they started inducing her today). I'm happy for her but at the same time it's so painfully heart wrenching to know that she's about to get what I didn't get the chance to have. I also can't stop feeling like all I want in the world is to be pregnant again. I know I will never replace my Alexander, but to not have a baby in my arms is slowly tearing me apart it feels. But I don't have the option of getting pregnant right now as I have to get my health in order first. My diabetes is all over the place again and I seem to have plateaued in my weight loss efforts...
Sorry for the long reply. I just really needed to get those things off my chest.
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Post by babyflewaway on Mar 18, 2013 19:20:24 GMT -5
Hi Kayt,
I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I've been going through a lot.
I totally understand about your friend having her baby. I feel the same way right now because my downstairs neighbors are at the hospital right now having theirs. It was a horrible coincidence that they left for the hospital the day before I was supposed to be four months. It made me feel so empty, and like there was something wrong with me for not being able to just be happy for them, but I just couldn't be completely, honestly happy without Jonah. I don't know if I can be completely, honestly happy without Jonah. And I know in a couple of days they'll bring their baby home, and I'll be expected to be so happy for them because they don't know, but all I'll be thinking is, where's my baby, and why can't I have him, and why won't I ever get to bring him home, or kiss him or hold him in my arms, the way you're doing right now?
I think seeking professional help might be a good thing. I was already in therapy, and having someone there has helped me. I've had similar thoughts in the past, about wishing I'd just disappeared with my baby, but I try to think about my sister because we're incredibly close, and I just think of how my life would be completely over if I lost her, and then I know I can't hurt myself because I know it would be the same for her if she lost me, and I couldn't do that to her, even if the thoughts I sometimes have that it's never going to get better were really true. It's good that you and DH were able to talk though, and that you could be honest.
I went to a country music festival last night where Leann Rimes was performing, and she sang that song "How Do I". Even if you don't like country music, you probably know it, it was all over the radio years ago; it's the one that goes "How do I get through one night without you, if I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be? Oh, I need you in my arms, need you to hold..." and on and on. It was never my favorite song. But when she sang it, everything hit me, and right there in public, in a packed huge concert arena, I just put my hand where Jonah would be and started sobbing. My friend put her arms around me and held me until it was over. I try really hard not to cry in front of other people, but I couldn't stop it. In a way I was embarrassed, but in a way it made me feel better, like I could finally show other people how much it hurt.
Kayt, I really wish the best for you with the pain you're going through and also with your health. And I know those insensitive comments really, really hurt--I haven't even begun to think about what to say if someone asks me if I have a child--but I know you're strong, and you can keep going. Big hugs.
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Kayt
Junior Member
Posts: 70
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Post by Kayt on Mar 18, 2013 20:13:54 GMT -5
Isobel, your words really do help You've been a huge help through all of this and I thank you for that. I'm glad you were able to let it out. I know it's uncomfortable to do that in front of others (I'm like that too most of the time) but I've found that sharing your pain with others can really help to ease it. I actually really enjoy Leann Rimes (ever since I watched Coyote Ugly lol). She has a really nice voice. There are a lot of songs that are hard for me to listen to right now too. I won't even realize it right away and will just burst into tears. I'm glad that I don't have to listen to music all day where I work since it's hard to know what will trigger it. I have been feeling a bit better since my friend had her baby. I think besides feeling jealous I couldn't help but feeling scared for her as well. I can't help but feel very jealous now though, but since she's quite far away I can hide that from her pretty well so that she only sees how happy I am for her. But at the same time I can't help but think that I should be holding my little one too right now... I think I'm also going to have to stay off of Facebook for a while because of the posts she's been making. They just show the love and devotion she has for her son but they sting and make my heart ache every time I read one of them. They've put me on medication now to manage my blood sugar which has helped me feel a little less down. It's one more step before we can try again. I know that no baby will ever replace my little Alex, but I feel like it's what I was meant to do. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I think we're all a lot stronger than we really realize. And I'm so glad you have someone like your sister that you're close with. It's really important to have those kinds of bonds in life But yeah, the insensitive comments can be pretty rough. I've been asked twice now by pharmacists if I'm pregnant... I'm taking a prenatal multivitamin at the moment to get my body ready and they just assume that means I'm already carrying a child. The one even commented on the doctor I had seen. I flat out told her that he's an idiot and I hate him and would never recommend anyone go to see him. I probably seemed pretty cold (which is unusual for me, even when I'm hurting I'm usually a fairly friendly person). She was pretty taken aback and I couldn't help but just flat out tell her that he didn't care about me and didn't care that I had lost my son. But I hope that nobody asks you that question until you're ready to answer. There is no right or wrong way to answer it. My dh finds it easier to just tell people that we don't have any children so that he doesn't have to explain our story to them (since they're usually pretty close to being strangers). I usually tell people yes, but he's in heaven or yes, but it's complicated. Just remember that Jonah is in your heart and knows how much you love him and that it's okay to give people the simple answer to avoid having to explain and potentially feeling uncomfortable or upset. People are nosy and the bond between you and your son isn't the business of anybody else unless you deem them worthy enough to share in your memories. *HUGS*
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Post by justlostanangel on Mar 23, 2013 23:44:01 GMT -5
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to both of you ladies! I just wanted to cry reading your posts. People can be so cruel sometimes! Not too many people know that I've had 2 m/c's; I work in a labor & delivery unit, so my patients always ask if I have children. Sometimes I answer that I have 4 boys....but there are some patients that I tell I do have children, 4 on earth & 2 in Heaven. Sometimes you just have to take that question one person at a time. I have a gut feeling that our babies DO know us, & are our tiny guardian angels watching over us. I hope that things continue to get better for both of you!
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Post by babyflewaway on Mar 25, 2013 19:08:42 GMT -5
thanks so much, justlostanangel. Your words mean so much. It's just so hard right now, it keeps hitting me out of nowhere. But I really appreciate your support. HUGS back.
and Kayt....I know how much it hurts to be asked if you're pregnant. It only happened to me once...this woman just pointed at me and said, "Have you got a baby in there?" and I was so stunned I couldn't say anything but "No," and she said, "Just wanted to make sure." Make sure? Why? It wasn't her business. But more importantly, it really cut me to the core. So being asked multiple times....I can't imagine it. I'm so sorry. But I'm glad the medication for blood sugar is helping. And I really wish all the best for you and your family. It's so easy to tell from your writing how badly you want to be a mom, and while nothing can replace losing Alex, you can still have that. I feel the same way. I know nothing will ever replace Jonah, but I just have to be a mom someday. Not right now; I definitely didn't plan for Jonah, and I'd want to be married, and in a better financial position. But someday, down the road, I feel like it's meant for me, and I'm so worried that I won't have it.
I'm not sure if the people downstairs are back from the hospital with their baby yet or not. They should be, but I haven't seen them. I've had to sort through the mail a few times though, and they get tons of cards--congratulations, I'm sure. Luckily a lot of them are in pink envelopes, so they probably had a little girl. It'll still be really, really hard, but not as hard as it would be if they'd had a little boy. Because it's not exactly what I feel I was supposed to have, if that makes any sense.
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