Post by josephine on Jul 1, 2022 16:39:15 GMT -5
I’m not sure how to start this - it is scary to even type the words. No one knows the whole story, but I need to get it out.
I had a miscarriage in May last year and the guilt is eating me up. I didn’t know I was pregnant until the miscarriage - I feel so guilty for not knowing. I was on the pill and I didn’t have any symptoms of pregnancy other than some periodic cramping.
I feel like not knowing I was pregnant was my first failure. Perhaps if I had known then the night it happened I would have gone for medical help, instead of just locking myself in the bathroom at my boyfriends house trying not to cry from the pain. I thought I was just being weak.
I left my boyfriends house and came home. The cramping in the car on the way home was unbearable. I went to the bathroom when I got home and was bleeding and passed what I can only describe as a large piece of pink tissue, half the size of a piece of toilet paper.
I had no idea what it was but a part of me wondered if it was a miscarriage. I have not admitted that before. I pushed the thought out my head, but took a photo of what had been passed. I feel so guilty that I didn’t listen to the voice in my head or get medical attention at the time to confirm it.
The cramping was so horrific I don’t know that I’ll ever forget how painful it was and how terrified I am to ever feel that again.
A month later I went to the family planning clinic for my pill prescription and I mentioned it to the nurse and showed her the photo. She became uncomfortable and said I would need to see the doctor. A week later I had a doctor appointment and she said very coldly “it looks like a chemical pregnancy”. I didn’t know what that meant but looked it up after. She said if my cramping symptoms persisted it may be cysts - the the cramping had stopped after the miscarriage so I knew it wasn’t that.
My boyfriend had known I had the appointment, so I told him what the doctor had said, but said that it wasn’t definitely a miscarriage and we wouldn’t know. He was incredibly upset. A month later he was signed off work for depression, he will have been signed off a year next month.
I know the depression was already an issue for him. But I have so much guilt for telling him - I wonder if I had kept it to myself whether he would be suffering less. I feel so selfish for telling him when all it did was hurt him.
I have tried to move on with my life, but it has been difficult and two of my best friends are now pregnant.
Yesterday I went to see my usual GP for an unrelated issue. While there I started crying. I decided to show him the photo from the night it happened. He confirmed that it was a miscarriage and could not be anything else. I have known all along but I had hoped that I was wrong, that there was some chance the first doctor was wrong.
I haven’t told my boyfriend that it has been confirmed by a second doctor because I am scared it will make him worse. He found out his grandma is in the hospital yesterday, so it just doesn’t seem fair for me to tell him when he was already convinced anyway. I guess the biggest part of me feels he won’t cope if I tell him.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need some way to get it out and admit to myself all the facts of what’s happened, because only I have the full story. I need an outlet to say that I don’t think my boyfriends can cope with hearing it and that I wish every day that I never told him.
I don’t know how to move on - I suppose I will wait for time to heal. It’s been over a year though so I hope it heals soon. I don’t think I will ever heal until my boyfriend does.
The worst part is if I tell him that then he will end things, because he has maintained that if he is a reason I am sad then he won’t be with me.
Finally, I feel guilty for anyone who has read all the way through this post to discover there is no resolution at the end. I don’t have an answer. I don’t know what to do. Maybe this will have helped and I can move on knowing I’ve at least said this all once.
Thank you.
I had a miscarriage in May last year and the guilt is eating me up. I didn’t know I was pregnant until the miscarriage - I feel so guilty for not knowing. I was on the pill and I didn’t have any symptoms of pregnancy other than some periodic cramping.
I feel like not knowing I was pregnant was my first failure. Perhaps if I had known then the night it happened I would have gone for medical help, instead of just locking myself in the bathroom at my boyfriends house trying not to cry from the pain. I thought I was just being weak.
I left my boyfriends house and came home. The cramping in the car on the way home was unbearable. I went to the bathroom when I got home and was bleeding and passed what I can only describe as a large piece of pink tissue, half the size of a piece of toilet paper.
I had no idea what it was but a part of me wondered if it was a miscarriage. I have not admitted that before. I pushed the thought out my head, but took a photo of what had been passed. I feel so guilty that I didn’t listen to the voice in my head or get medical attention at the time to confirm it.
The cramping was so horrific I don’t know that I’ll ever forget how painful it was and how terrified I am to ever feel that again.
A month later I went to the family planning clinic for my pill prescription and I mentioned it to the nurse and showed her the photo. She became uncomfortable and said I would need to see the doctor. A week later I had a doctor appointment and she said very coldly “it looks like a chemical pregnancy”. I didn’t know what that meant but looked it up after. She said if my cramping symptoms persisted it may be cysts - the the cramping had stopped after the miscarriage so I knew it wasn’t that.
My boyfriend had known I had the appointment, so I told him what the doctor had said, but said that it wasn’t definitely a miscarriage and we wouldn’t know. He was incredibly upset. A month later he was signed off work for depression, he will have been signed off a year next month.
I know the depression was already an issue for him. But I have so much guilt for telling him - I wonder if I had kept it to myself whether he would be suffering less. I feel so selfish for telling him when all it did was hurt him.
I have tried to move on with my life, but it has been difficult and two of my best friends are now pregnant.
Yesterday I went to see my usual GP for an unrelated issue. While there I started crying. I decided to show him the photo from the night it happened. He confirmed that it was a miscarriage and could not be anything else. I have known all along but I had hoped that I was wrong, that there was some chance the first doctor was wrong.
I haven’t told my boyfriend that it has been confirmed by a second doctor because I am scared it will make him worse. He found out his grandma is in the hospital yesterday, so it just doesn’t seem fair for me to tell him when he was already convinced anyway. I guess the biggest part of me feels he won’t cope if I tell him.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need some way to get it out and admit to myself all the facts of what’s happened, because only I have the full story. I need an outlet to say that I don’t think my boyfriends can cope with hearing it and that I wish every day that I never told him.
I don’t know how to move on - I suppose I will wait for time to heal. It’s been over a year though so I hope it heals soon. I don’t think I will ever heal until my boyfriend does.
The worst part is if I tell him that then he will end things, because he has maintained that if he is a reason I am sad then he won’t be with me.
Finally, I feel guilty for anyone who has read all the way through this post to discover there is no resolution at the end. I don’t have an answer. I don’t know what to do. Maybe this will have helped and I can move on knowing I’ve at least said this all once.
Thank you.