Trying my hardest.. Feb 4, 2019 8:57:15 GMT -5
Post by mackenziesimpson on Feb 4, 2019 8:57:15 GMT -5
So I am not one to go do "therapy" or "talk" about what happened to me. But it is really making my days worse and worse it seems. Its been a year since I miscarried my baby. I have never in my life felt this "empty" I guess I should say..? Is this normal? I feel like it was a thousand and ten percent my fault.. My doctor stated honestly over twenty times that it was not my fault...but it feels like it was. I have PCOS and I was twelve weeks pregnant. My pregnancy was behind by two weeks though. So my baby was measuring that size of a eight week fetus. I had to go through a D&C in 2017 of November right after Thanksgiving. It was honestly one of the worst days of my life. I haven't stopped thinking about it almost every day. I dream about it, think about it and everything. I just don't know what to do anymore. My depression has never been this "miserable" - My ex boyfriend and I broke up do to everything. He and I don't speak or anything anymore. And he actually just got married and expecting a baby with his new wife now. I just feel like He doesn't deserve to be happy I guess? Because he isn't a "nice" person. He stated he didn't want children and now he is all excited about their pregnancy. I know people can change but it just sucks I guess? Am I the only one that has felt guilty for feeling this way? I know I probably am not the only one but it just feels like it? I have been extremely angry lately. I can tell there has been a change in my attitude and behavior. I am cussing a whole lot more and just don't feel "normal" I guess you could say? I just cant sleep without thinking back to that day and or finding out when I was Pregnant. It was the happiest day of my life. I have always wanted to be a mom. And that was finally coming true. I love children a lot. I want a huge family. I know I am young (22) and there will be a time for it.. ut that doesn't help matters. Especially when people are like " You can try again" " you were to young that's why you miscarried" "You can hold my baby when you have baby fever" then my all time favorite line from my Sister in law " Do you have any good baby girl/boy names? I need one for this baby (they are on their second child) since you wont be using any of those names anytime soon." - I just don't know what to do.. think Say oranymore. I don't want to leave bed. I don't want to go to my jobs (nursing and Law Enforcement ) or do any school work. My dog tries to get me to play all the time because she knows when I am upset but I just tell her to lay beside me and she does willingly. She has been there the whole time. My mom has PCOS as well and has lost several babies. I have talked to her some but I don't want her worrying if that makes since? I don't want her to know how depressed I am/Angry/Feeling guilty/not wanting to be here. I'm not suicidal nothing like that at all. Its just a not wanting to be here in this moment and being depressed if that makes sense? I just wish everything was different. My due date was July 4th 2018. It was pure misery this past July. I just...I guess what I'm trying to do is reach out nd see what I can do to "feel better". Because I am so tired of being depressed and emotionally "not there" I don't laugh and joke like I used to I don't smile really anymore. I'm not me. I don't think I can get rid of the baby stuff I bought when I was pregnant.. want to save it for when I am actually able to hold my child but I also don't want when that day comes to dwell on the baby I lost. I guess I am asking for help? This is the first time I' ever really "reached out" to other people that I don't really know or met about this situation in my life. So what do I do? My mom tells me everyday almost that it "wasn't my fault" but it just doesn't help. All it does is make me angrier and cry my eyes out. I just don't get why my baby would be taken away from me but these women that drink/smoke/do drugs and go to jail can keep theirs. It feels like I was being punished for something I don't know what I had done? Why do they get to be happy when they don't give a flying crap about their baby? I am a LEO and see it almost every day unfortunately in the town I work in/grew up in. It makes me extremely angry and I just have to walk away before I say something I shouldn't and or most possibly regret saying that could effect my career(s). So I am sorry for such a long post...Thank you..