Miscarriage this week

[mimi]

Hello everyone, I'm reaching out today because I am in much need of support and advice.. Sunday night was the most amazing night of my life. My fiance and I went downtown to see the Christmas lights, and went on a carriage ride around the lit areas. We talked about how beautiful it was, how next year our first born will be joining us, all our hopes and dreams with our new baby. Monday, I had very light cramping and pink discharge. I called nurses hotline a few times and emailed my obgyn but everyone said it was normal, to relax. However, I wanted to go to the hospital for reassurance. So, I left work went to urgent care and spent 7 hours in the hospital. My fiance and I, didn't really think anything was wrong, we just wanted reassurance. They did an ultrasound and it was when she wouldnt let me see it did I start to have a horrible feeling. We went downstairs for the results from the doctor, and he said they could not find a heartbeat, what I was experiencing was just the beginning of a miscarriage. My heart shattered.. I went there for reassurance how did this happen? What went wrong? What did I do? My poor tiny baby.. it must've been my fault..
I was warned what was to come but nothing could have prepared me for Tuesday night in the ER. The pain, the blood, but worst of all what they had to do. I can't get that night out of my head, I start to feel "okay" and then I have a flashback or thought and the pieces I've start to pick up come crashing right back down. Wednesday I went to my obgyn, she did yet another ultrasound. She showed me my precious baby measured at 11 weeks 5 days. My baby's heart stopped beating on Monday, I caught the miscarriage when it just started.
She told me there's still something in my uteras. She doesnt know if it is blood or tissue, but I have to take these horrible pills vaginally then orally that they use to induce labor in hopes it will naturally come out, otherwise she will have to suction it out next Friday.
Anyways, I don't know how to cope. I feel like I go back and forth from being numb, to depressed, to angry, to hopeless. My heart hurts so bad. My dreams feel shattered. And I'm afraid to go back to work on Monday, I work at a preschool with infants to 4 year olds. My co-workers know what happened. I don't know how to go back feeling so weak

[ac]

Mimi, its been a few weeks since you posted this and I don't know if you will read my post, but I wanted to share my experience as well, since our dates are so close.
I am very sorry for your loss and I understand what you are going through. My story is very similar to yours. There's a lot of grief in my heart, but also anger and guilt. I lost my little angel on Monday December 19th. I had not had an ultrasound yet due to issues with my health insurance but I was scheduled for my first u/s on Dec. 21st.
We were planning to surprise my in-laws on Christmas Eve with little baby jammies, blue or pink, depending on what the ultrasound would show.
Sunday the 18th I went grocery shopping and felt perfectly fine. When I went to the restroom I noticed a little pink spotting when I wiped. That night I felt a few cramps, as if my period was about to start. When I woke up and went to the restroom, I saw the water was tinged with a little bit of blood...pinkish. It was 5:30 am and I could not stop crying. I woke up my husband and told him what was happening. I had a feeling it was the last morning I would have my baby in me and I tried to be mindful of it.
I tried to stay positive, thinking it might just be a UTI or something simple, as I wasn't really bleeding. I went to work and tried to keep it together. I kept talking to my baby, telling him how much mommy loved him and wanted him. That he would be safe and happy, begging him not to leave me.
I know it sounds a bit looney, but I was really scared. I made a same day appt w my doctor for 1:00 pm. After I described my symptoms, they wanted to get me in right away, before my Dec. 21st appt.
At 11:30 am I went up 3 flights of stairs and that's when I felt the blood.
I called my husband and told him to meet me at doctor's office asap.
At the doctor's I filled out all the paperwork and forced myself not to cry. I thought that if they knew I was bleeding more, they would not do an u/s. I wanted to see my baby for the first and last time.
I did see my precious baby, even though the tech was kind of preventing me from looking, but I already knew. No heartbeat. I was aproximately 13 weeks, but the baby had stopped growing 4 weeks before.
My husband made it just in time when the doctor was walking into the room to tell us. He broke down crying, but I was calmer once the doctor told me the baby was not in pain.
I was sent home to "pass it" naturally. It was the most physically painful night of my life. The mourning came 2 days later, as I was just in shock for 2 days.
It's been almost 2 weeks now, and my mood goes up and down, but I have more good days than bad.
I hope you are doing better as well. I have my follow up this Tuesday the 3rd to see if my body got rid of everything naturally. I pray that I do not have to undergo any other procedures. Desperation sometimes makes me think I want to start TTC the first opportunity I get. This was not a planned baby, but it was loved and wanted after we got over the initial shock. So now even if I wasn't planning on having more kids, I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world.
I am sorry for the long story. Thanks so much for "listening". This is the first time I've written about my experience.
You are in my prayers. Hang in there. One day at a time.