Post by myheart on Nov 16, 2016 23:47:54 GMT -5
I see that no one really comes to this board anymore. A year here and there. Maybe 6 months. I know that no one will see this really, no one will comment, but that's okay. This is where I go to share my heartache and pain. Where I can and no one will judge and everyone will understand. Tomorrow is almost here. I don't want it to but it will come never the less. I doubt I will find sleep tonight. I start having more bad days in October. Then we inch closer with the Nov days flying by. Then it's November 17th. The day I held him in my arms as he took his last breath. What I wouldn't give to see him, to hold him for just a moment. It's so unfair that he is gone. We all know. It wouldn't be fair for anyone to loose their child. I miss him so much. There is so much to miss. I feel like the zombie I was when I first lost him. I just exist in a body. My mind and heart are shut down. I can't think or feel because the pain is too much. I think about him everyday, but I don't think deeply. It would only take a few of those thoughts to send me spiraling, to push me to tears. It never does get easier. You create a different life without them, but it's not like it was or could have been. It just is. I don't want it to be easier really. If it was it would feel to excepting. I know he is safe in heaven until we can be together again. Somedays I want to make that happen sooner then later. But I know I can't. I won't. I will ask God to help me through one more day. I will find this board on my hardest days and write. I hope this place is always here. Even though no new members come. I wish it was because people didn't need us, but we know that's not true. Everyday someone experiences this new unimaginable pain. Im not sure how to get through tomorrow. It's so hard. I guess I will do what I always do and take it min. by min. Hour by hour. I want so badly to see him. Not just in the pictures around me. Sometimes I get up the nerve to watch videos. They destroy me and bring me so much joy at the same time. I will walk my dogs and ride my horse and think about how for 9 years I had everything I ever wanted. I love you my best boy. I love you so so so much.