long time

[ginamc]

Hey, all. Don't know how long it's been, but I needed to be here now. It will be 11 years in March since Kari died. I have so much guilt and so many regrets that I feel my life will never be "happy". I've had counseling, gone to support groups, am on medication...and still feel like things will never be right. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, or because everything's gone downhill since she died (except for my grandchildren), or because I'm so lonely...my life just seems so useless. I feel like I'm wasting it, but I don't feel the energy to do anything. Such a depressed state. I will be going back to work in a few weeks, but even there I'm just going through the motions. Nothing is right anymore. Maybe I need another psychologist. So damned expensive. Wish I could just figure out what I need to feel worthwhile and confident in myself. I know I need to let go of the guilt and regrets but I don't know how! They're always there. This life is so hard. I'm so tired of struggling. Blah. Thanks for reading, Gina

[lindac]

Gina.

Things will never be right as we are accustomed to but we can make them a different right. There are always the guilt feelings and that is hard to deal with. There are times you travel backwards in grief and this sounds like one of them. In the early days it was so hard to find anything good but it was something we needed to be aware of and do every day. Sometimes it was just a beautiful flower or a smile. Once we started looking for the good things we were able to see more good and we felt better about ourselves. We keep on for the rest of our family even when it is so hard. We find more activities to be involved in, we seek support from friends and from work. We don't get over it but we do get through it. Sometimes it still feels like just yesterday. Itry to live as my son would want remembering that life is all about choices. I can choose to be happy or miserable. I choose happiness and while it is often a lot of work it is worthwhile.

Sending big hugs.

Linda C.