Post by hurtingmommy81 on Apr 17, 2014 19:34:24 GMT -5
Hi Everyone.
I'm new to this site. I finally felt that it was time for me to open up. I just started going to counseling for my loss and some old and recent things. I am trying to deal with things and it's so much harder than I ever thought. So...a little back ground about me.
I had an OK childhood. I was molested at a young age. I never dealt with that. It was my step father. I never told because he said he would come back after me and my 2 younger siblings. I let it go on for 4 years. I didn't know better at that age. I didn't get help as I got older. He passed away from cancer about 10 years after we got away from him. I was sooooo happy. That sounds awful, but I was. (Now, being 33 I feel that I never got the justice for this so that's why I'm having a hard time dealing with it and new things.) I got married and had 2 children. They are a year and a half apart. I left my husband and got a divorce. Why? No reason to be honest. I was getting too close to someone and was scared. I didn't know how to deal with it. I have never allowed myself to get close to anyone because I was always scared what may happen. So I was alone with 2 kids. I lived with my mom at this time. I got involved with someone else and moved in with him. We got married. He cheated so I left within a year of being married. So again, I went back home to my mom. A few years later, my kids were about 6 and 7, I met someone else and moved in with him. I promised myself this time I was going to really try. I did just that. But with this man, he wasn't open or affectionate. He made me feel like I was just there to babysit his 5 year old daughter that we got custody of within a couple months of me being there. She didn't respect me. He didn't make her. I felt that I was just a babysitter and I was getting sick of it. 3 years of this and it was getting old. I worked with a man that showed me support and talked to me about things. He started showing me that I was worth something. He was the first person in my life that showed me a different side. He treated me amazing. He knew I wanted to leave my current situation and he helped me to see the side of someone that showed me appreciation. (We'll call him R) He asked me out on a date. I accepted. I had such an amazing time. I for the first time in my life, felt so amazing. We went to dinner. After there we was going to a movie but had about an hour so we stopped into the mall. Oh I forgot to say that since the town I live in is pretty small, we went over an hour away to a much larger city to go out. While in the mall, we run into my 2 girls...which was at their dads for the weekend! I about passed out. I told the girls this was a friend from work and we was there with some other friends and was looking for them. I felt awful to lie to my girls. We left there and went and waited for our movie, about 30 minutes =) So within 1 month, I moved out from where I was and into my own place with my 2 girls. I started seeing R and he came over a lot. This was in July 2012. We didn't live together but I finally felt like I found the person I was meant to always be with.
Well...come to find out my prince was married and lived with her still. She's 20 years older than him, he's my age, and he said he only did that to have someone take care of him and his 12 year old son. He swore over and over he was leaving her. He swore he would be moving in with me and that it would be very soon. NOPE. He never did. Sept 28 2012 I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited. I didn't think I could have anymore children being that my baby was 9. I was afraid of what R would say so I planned to move out of state where my mom was. I am higher up at my job so I had to give a 4 week notice. He found out and flipped out and started questioning me why I was leaving. For a few weeks things had been very rocky with me and him and we wasn't really talking. I was upset over his marriage, he hadn't left and I didn't feel like he was going to. So after hours and hours of him asking why I was leaving, I told him I was pregnant. He flipped. Instantly he started talking about abortion. ANYONE that knows me, knows I'm 1 million percent against abortion. I couldn't believe he was wanting that. I couldn't believe he asked! Things were pretty much over between us. I went through h*ll. He treated me awful while working. He didn't care. He ended up having to move to another shift because of me being higher up than him and I was pregnant by him. It was killing me. I was depressed. I was hurt. And do you think R cared? NOPE. Well December 10 became the worst horrible day of my life. I begged R to go to an appt with me. He refused. I was seeing a high risk Dr over an hour away. I drove there. And within 45 min of being at my appt my world came crashing down. I found out at 15 weeks and 6 days I had lost my baby. I was a devastated mess. I texted him, told him what happened and to call me. He didn't. He said he was sorry but he couldn't because he was busy. I couldn't believe him. My Dr set up surgery for in 2 days...I had to wait because I had my girls at home and wanted to have arrangements made for them. I went home and my sister came over. I passed out and she freaked. She wanted to take me to the hospital around the corner from my house...1 min away, but I refused because that's where we work and he was there. He had still not called me or even texted me back at this point, which was about 4 hours later. So she drove me 30 min away to a different hospital. I was in for emergency surgery immediately. My aunt showed up and felt awful that he didn't know I was in surgery so she texted him. He was still at work. And wow, he starts texting her asking what happened and getting all the details. After a few hours, probably around 6pm, I was up and just waiting on my blood pressure to rise, it was very very low, to be able to go home. I ask for my phone, she was very hesitant. And I see these text between them 2. I was so mad. I texted him and told him it was me, I was fine, don't show up, and I was leaving to go home. Lies. I really wasn't fine and still didn't know if I could go home. He said OK and call him when I got home. He was leaving work then and was heading home. He lives about an hour from work so almost an hour later I texted him to see if he was home. He said pulling in and he asked where I was. I then told him the truth and that I was still at the hosp and probably wasn't going home. He was now pissed at me. He called me. Yelling like he was crazy. I told him if he was that worried he would have been there with me when I had to go in to surgery. We argued. I asked my aunt to leave because I was so mad that she actually told him. He didn't care when I told him that morning, he didn't need to care now. She left. I'm still arguing with him on the phone and all the sudden the door to my room flies open and there he is. He drove there within 15 min, it's a 30 min drive. He acted like he cared. I knew he didn't. I still don't know why he showed up. He stayed for about an hour and said he was leaving. I'm laying in the hospital, just lost my baby, and he runs home to his wife. I had nobody there. I called a good friend and she came. I finally got to go home.
Fast forward: We have been together off and on. He's still with his wife. I'm still alone. He only wants me when it's OK for him. I had to have a hysterectomy in Nov 2013 and that devastated me. I've been depressed so bad since then. I went through h*ll after losing my baby, but now to have this done showed me I could NEVER have another baby. I blame him for all the stress. He don't care still. I finally in December told his wife about us. He hates me now. Well, I say he does, he says he's just done with my until he leaves her. Supposedly he has a house he's moving in to but it's not ready. This has been told to me for over a month now. So I honestly don't know. I love him still. I love him in a way I've never loved anyone else. He has also hurt me more than anyone else. I now am starting counseling to deal with this...which has almost killed me, and things from my past. I hope to anyone out there reading this, please deal with things before you have sooooo much on your shoulders that you cant handle it any longer. I should have dealt with things so much earlier and never did. I regret it now. I say to always listen to your mind. I listened to my heart and stayed here so that I could be with him instead of moving out of state. I feel I might have my baby here today if I would have listened to my mind. I do have my angel baby that watches over me and my girls now. I hope the future holds some serious healing for me. I hope that I can finally start to heal and understand things. God bless anyone reading this.
I'm new to this site. I finally felt that it was time for me to open up. I just started going to counseling for my loss and some old and recent things. I am trying to deal with things and it's so much harder than I ever thought. So...a little back ground about me.
I had an OK childhood. I was molested at a young age. I never dealt with that. It was my step father. I never told because he said he would come back after me and my 2 younger siblings. I let it go on for 4 years. I didn't know better at that age. I didn't get help as I got older. He passed away from cancer about 10 years after we got away from him. I was sooooo happy. That sounds awful, but I was. (Now, being 33 I feel that I never got the justice for this so that's why I'm having a hard time dealing with it and new things.) I got married and had 2 children. They are a year and a half apart. I left my husband and got a divorce. Why? No reason to be honest. I was getting too close to someone and was scared. I didn't know how to deal with it. I have never allowed myself to get close to anyone because I was always scared what may happen. So I was alone with 2 kids. I lived with my mom at this time. I got involved with someone else and moved in with him. We got married. He cheated so I left within a year of being married. So again, I went back home to my mom. A few years later, my kids were about 6 and 7, I met someone else and moved in with him. I promised myself this time I was going to really try. I did just that. But with this man, he wasn't open or affectionate. He made me feel like I was just there to babysit his 5 year old daughter that we got custody of within a couple months of me being there. She didn't respect me. He didn't make her. I felt that I was just a babysitter and I was getting sick of it. 3 years of this and it was getting old. I worked with a man that showed me support and talked to me about things. He started showing me that I was worth something. He was the first person in my life that showed me a different side. He treated me amazing. He knew I wanted to leave my current situation and he helped me to see the side of someone that showed me appreciation. (We'll call him R) He asked me out on a date. I accepted. I had such an amazing time. I for the first time in my life, felt so amazing. We went to dinner. After there we was going to a movie but had about an hour so we stopped into the mall. Oh I forgot to say that since the town I live in is pretty small, we went over an hour away to a much larger city to go out. While in the mall, we run into my 2 girls...which was at their dads for the weekend! I about passed out. I told the girls this was a friend from work and we was there with some other friends and was looking for them. I felt awful to lie to my girls. We left there and went and waited for our movie, about 30 minutes =) So within 1 month, I moved out from where I was and into my own place with my 2 girls. I started seeing R and he came over a lot. This was in July 2012. We didn't live together but I finally felt like I found the person I was meant to always be with.
Well...come to find out my prince was married and lived with her still. She's 20 years older than him, he's my age, and he said he only did that to have someone take care of him and his 12 year old son. He swore over and over he was leaving her. He swore he would be moving in with me and that it would be very soon. NOPE. He never did. Sept 28 2012 I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited. I didn't think I could have anymore children being that my baby was 9. I was afraid of what R would say so I planned to move out of state where my mom was. I am higher up at my job so I had to give a 4 week notice. He found out and flipped out and started questioning me why I was leaving. For a few weeks things had been very rocky with me and him and we wasn't really talking. I was upset over his marriage, he hadn't left and I didn't feel like he was going to. So after hours and hours of him asking why I was leaving, I told him I was pregnant. He flipped. Instantly he started talking about abortion. ANYONE that knows me, knows I'm 1 million percent against abortion. I couldn't believe he was wanting that. I couldn't believe he asked! Things were pretty much over between us. I went through h*ll. He treated me awful while working. He didn't care. He ended up having to move to another shift because of me being higher up than him and I was pregnant by him. It was killing me. I was depressed. I was hurt. And do you think R cared? NOPE. Well December 10 became the worst horrible day of my life. I begged R to go to an appt with me. He refused. I was seeing a high risk Dr over an hour away. I drove there. And within 45 min of being at my appt my world came crashing down. I found out at 15 weeks and 6 days I had lost my baby. I was a devastated mess. I texted him, told him what happened and to call me. He didn't. He said he was sorry but he couldn't because he was busy. I couldn't believe him. My Dr set up surgery for in 2 days...I had to wait because I had my girls at home and wanted to have arrangements made for them. I went home and my sister came over. I passed out and she freaked. She wanted to take me to the hospital around the corner from my house...1 min away, but I refused because that's where we work and he was there. He had still not called me or even texted me back at this point, which was about 4 hours later. So she drove me 30 min away to a different hospital. I was in for emergency surgery immediately. My aunt showed up and felt awful that he didn't know I was in surgery so she texted him. He was still at work. And wow, he starts texting her asking what happened and getting all the details. After a few hours, probably around 6pm, I was up and just waiting on my blood pressure to rise, it was very very low, to be able to go home. I ask for my phone, she was very hesitant. And I see these text between them 2. I was so mad. I texted him and told him it was me, I was fine, don't show up, and I was leaving to go home. Lies. I really wasn't fine and still didn't know if I could go home. He said OK and call him when I got home. He was leaving work then and was heading home. He lives about an hour from work so almost an hour later I texted him to see if he was home. He said pulling in and he asked where I was. I then told him the truth and that I was still at the hosp and probably wasn't going home. He was now pissed at me. He called me. Yelling like he was crazy. I told him if he was that worried he would have been there with me when I had to go in to surgery. We argued. I asked my aunt to leave because I was so mad that she actually told him. He didn't care when I told him that morning, he didn't need to care now. She left. I'm still arguing with him on the phone and all the sudden the door to my room flies open and there he is. He drove there within 15 min, it's a 30 min drive. He acted like he cared. I knew he didn't. I still don't know why he showed up. He stayed for about an hour and said he was leaving. I'm laying in the hospital, just lost my baby, and he runs home to his wife. I had nobody there. I called a good friend and she came. I finally got to go home.
Fast forward: We have been together off and on. He's still with his wife. I'm still alone. He only wants me when it's OK for him. I had to have a hysterectomy in Nov 2013 and that devastated me. I've been depressed so bad since then. I went through h*ll after losing my baby, but now to have this done showed me I could NEVER have another baby. I blame him for all the stress. He don't care still. I finally in December told his wife about us. He hates me now. Well, I say he does, he says he's just done with my until he leaves her. Supposedly he has a house he's moving in to but it's not ready. This has been told to me for over a month now. So I honestly don't know. I love him still. I love him in a way I've never loved anyone else. He has also hurt me more than anyone else. I now am starting counseling to deal with this...which has almost killed me, and things from my past. I hope to anyone out there reading this, please deal with things before you have sooooo much on your shoulders that you cant handle it any longer. I should have dealt with things so much earlier and never did. I regret it now. I say to always listen to your mind. I listened to my heart and stayed here so that I could be with him instead of moving out of state. I feel I might have my baby here today if I would have listened to my mind. I do have my angel baby that watches over me and my girls now. I hope the future holds some serious healing for me. I hope that I can finally start to heal and understand things. God bless anyone reading this.
