unsure and sad

[berlynn24]

I have a 33 day cycle. In February, on cd 13 (this day we had sex twice and it falls in my fertile period) and cd 19 (day after ovulation) my husband and I had unprotected sex (we practice natural family planning). I have a luteal phase of 16 days. I went 2 weeks passed my expected period date. During that 28 day span between ovulation and when I began to bleed I had tiredness, headaches at the end of every evening (not intense), sore breasts, and incredibly emotional (crying at minor/silly things). We were going to take a pregnancy test when I started bleeding. At first I thought it was just a late period but then clotting started. One particular clot was large enough that I could feel it when it passed through my cervix and out. My immediate thought was miscarriage. Im not one to jump to diagnosing myself but I felt I knew it right away. My sister said to take a pregnancy test right away. I tested at night right after passing my largest clot, I had been urinating all day because I drink almost 4.5 liters a day, so when I tested it was just a few drops of urine. My test came out negative but I wonder if that's because of the circumstance with the lack of urination on the pg test. This "period" lasted 9 days. I didnt go to the doctor because I know that there was nothing they can do if I am in fact having an early miscarriage. During that time I had to travel to visit my oldest sister who we were surprising with a baby shower (she is expecting next month).

When I came home I decided I needed to see a doctor. On April 4th (15 days after) I saw a OB/GYN. He did a quick pelvic exam, asked if I had felt pregnant, ran a blood test, then told me he would see me the following week with the results. During the week of the 4th I had what I thought were symptoms of a UTI. I didnt have pain urinating or bleeding but when I released my bladder (which felt good) I could feel it contract and once it was empty my lower abdomen felt very uncomfortable and like I had to immediately pee again. On April 11th I went back and it was the quickest appointment Ive ever been to. Not even 10 minutes. He came in and said my levels looked normal that it was probably a heavy period and if I wanted to insure not getting pregnant I should go on birth control. I was stunned-I felt completely dismissed. I wasnt even given the opportunity to ask a question. Would he have been able to confirm if I had had an early miscarriage almost two weeks after the fact?

I feel very confused and very sad. I truly believe I miscarried. My body has finally started to feel normal again. Today my period started 7 days sooner then it should have but is consistent with what I generally experience during menstruation.

Am I crazy for emotionally feeling like I miscarried without having medical proof? Do I have a right to grieve? Im so unsure of everything. 

[libralise]

Hi berlynn,

I am sorry that you are feeling so confused and so sad.  Don't question whether you are crazy - I don't think that we should do that of ourselves either. 

You may never 'medically' know if you were pregnant.  A pregnancy test taken at the end of the day after drinking lots of water will provide a weaker hormone sample than first morning urine - I myself would not trust my end of the day urine because I too drink tons of water.  I think that we can also be quite in tune with our bodies, so you know what your body felt like and how different it may or may not have been from a typical late period.  When I miscarried at 12 weeks and passed the baby myself (because the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and was small enough for me to pass on my own) I too felt clots and distinctively could sense when I passed the baby, because the clot was significantly larger and felt like something large passing through me.  I can't really help give any further insight or answers as to whether you were on were not pregnant.  But I can tell you that I sympathize and send you support and love for what you are feeling right now. 

As for the doctor - bedside manner can be brutal.  And when I had my second miscarriage the experience was worsened by the awful day at the hospital and the poor treatment I was given by my doctors.  I felt like what I was going through was just treated as nothing by the nurses and doctors.  After a year I filed a complaint and someone called me from the hospital, was shocked and disappointed to hear of how the doctor had acted with me, offered a sincere apology, said she would discuss it with the doctor and use my story for training purposes of 'what not to do'.  This actually gave me a lot of closure.  I don't know where you live and what your healthcare is like, but perhaps if you feel strongly enough about what happened with your doctor you could talk to someone about it. 

I do hope you stop questioning whether you are crazy, because we are entitled to have our feelings and emotions about things that happen to us and to our bodies.  I hope that as time goes by you start to receive some healing from this terribly upsetting experience. 
I am sending you loving and healing energy berlynn.

   

[berlynn24]

Libralise,

Your response was so comforting. Thank you. I really needed someone to listen and respond in sympathy instead of telling me how to feel or what did or didnt happen. Due to my experience with our natural family planning I can confidently say I know my body and I know what happened. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience and loving enough to support, encourage, and empathize with me.

I never expected to feel comfortable sharing what I am feeling and thinking with strangers but its been therapeutic.

My oldest sister is expecting her second (my niece is 6) and every time she posts pictures of ultrasounds or talks about her pregnancy I find it really difficult. I want to be happy for her and I am but sometimes i feel like its a slap in the face too. Almost insensitive.
Everywhere I go people are pregnant. All my clients and family members ask when my husband and I are going to start trying to have babies.
I started my menstrual cycle again and seeing it made me cry. I wanted to call into work that day because I felt like I couldnt pretend everything was ok and act cheery. I havent talked to anyone about so inside Im feeling lonely and sad but outwardly Im acting "normal". When I talk to my husband about it he is very good at listening and supporting. He is a fixer and he said, "well, then, we will just start trying." But I dont want that. Im nervous to get pregnant again. And I dont believe another pregnancy is the answer to making these feelings go away.
It feels so good to tell someone all of that.

How are you doing? Im am praying for you and am am so thankful for your kindness.

[libralise]

Berlynn I am so glad that some of what I said helped bring you comfort. That is why I share the story and try to reach out to other women who are struggling. Doing so, and thinking that I am helping others heal and move forward, helps me to heal and move forward. Kind of you to ask how I am. I am struggling. I read a blog on 'BraveGirlsClub' website (a phenomenal source of inspiration and love for women, you should check it out). The article discussed how often people have no idea what we are struggling with and how if only we were to all wear a sign around our necks that told the world what is burdening us that people might be more gentle. Yours might say 'I am grieving the loss of my precious baby. Please be sensitive'. Mine would say 'I am going through a really painful separation. Please don't pass judgement and please just be kind'. I am struggling and I feel scared and exhausted, but I also know that 'this too shall pass'; and yesterday I saw someone on tv say 'We all have something". So I will just continue sharing love with the world (because when you do so it comes back to you)and try to be brave and logical. In the end I will be ok - and so will you! Thanks Berlynn. And thank you for the prayers. That means a lot to me.