miscarriage almost 12 weeks

[jplepors]

Hi. This is my first time ever posting to an online site, however I feel so overwhelmed by what's going on I feel as though I have to reach out. I'm a very healthy 35 y/o with one beautiful, healthy 3 year old daughter. I just found out last Thursday that I had what's called a missed miscarriage, where I had no physical signs of the miscarriage but my ultrasound showed no heartbeat. So to start my story, my husband and I were so excited to find out we were pregnant the end of January, with our EDD 9.23.14. My first ultrasound at 7 weeks was just to confirm the due date and all things looked perfect. I chose to have first trimester testing due to my age and OB recs, and so at 12 weeks I was scheduled for an ultrasound. So we go and find out that our baby is measuring small, only about 10 w 5 days, where should have been 12 w 1 day.  Heartbeat was great at 162, baby was moving all around, could see all arms and legs so we were told it was probably a bad measurement or baby positioning, but they wanted us to see the high risk doctors for a repeat u/s. So we had to wait 8 grueling days to find out if anything was wrong or not. I did a lot of research and had pretty much convinced myself that the baby was fine and we'd still be blessed w/ a healthy baby come September. So after meeting w/ genetics at our scheduled appt, we waited for the u/s to get some reassurance that all was ok w/ baby. Shortly after the tech began, I noticed a lot of measurements going on but was waiting to hear the heartbeat, or see him move. All we saw was a lifeless body, no heartbeat, just a tiny baby curled up in the fetal position. She then said, Jennifer, I don't see a heartbeat, let me go get someone.  Shortly after a team of docs came in to tell us how sorry they were and that this was not our fault. Now I'm waiting for my D/c, 4 whole days after we have known our baby is dead. Can't think of much worse. I am all over w/ emotions, anger, denial, regret, and complete heart breaking sadness. I hope this will get better. I was already planning our new lives w/ baby #2, had moved our daughter out of the nursery, had told people at work, had starting looking for new houses, etc. But the worst is this lingering pain/sickness in my heart. I pray and know it will get better, but for now I'm devastated. They did draw a cellcount/dna test that day to see if anything wrong showed in bloodwork but also told us we may never know. Any thoughts appreciated.

LOve, a heart broken mommie

[triangelmom]

I am so sorry for your loss. This was the loss of a much celebrated and anticipated pregnancy and this was the loss of a child you will never get the privilege and joy of knowing and nurturing and for that, I am so sorry. You are going through so many mixed emotions and you will continue to have them for a while -- shock, grief, sadness, isolation, uncertainty over how and why it happened but please know that there is nothing you did and nothing you could have done to change what happened. We don't always have the answers but in your case, I hope that the test results can offer you some answers and peace of mind.
I have had three losses myself, the first one very similar to your experience but it was my very first pregnancy and very first loss. Nothing prepared me for the heartbreak and grief I experienced. We had started to tell people and then we had to un-tell people. I didn't have the support back then that there is today as this happened 20 years ago (yet it seems like yesterday in some ways). I encourage you to seek support through this wonderful forum, as well as from your family and friends and any support you have in your community if that would be of help to you. Wishing you healing.
Hannah

[libralise]

Dear Broken Hearted Mommie,

Reading what you wrote had me crying, and I am crying now as I respond.  I have had two miscarriages and reading about your grief and the very raw state that you are in right now has pulled on my own.  I am glad to reach out and try to help in any way that I can, because I know that receiving help would have been beneficial for me.    You said any thoughts are appreciated and I can tell you this: This morning I was thinking of the baby that I lost June 25, 2012.  We lost her the day before we were 12 weeks and the day before we were all set to tell the world.  Not having told the world about being pregnant meant that though I did not have to untell people or tell people that I had miscarried, I felt as though to everyone other than myself that the baby did not really exist.  I struggled a lot with feeling alone in my bond with her.  I have chosen to acknowledge her as Maci, and gave her that name as the night before I miscarried we had decided if it was a girl she would be called that.  My baby had stopped developing at around 9 weeks so was small enough that I could pass her at home, I took medication to stimulate contractions.  We buried her in a box with flowers and my husband and I wrote notes to her in the box lid.  She is buried in the garden.  I think that we all find our own ways to grieve and comfort ourselves.  I have a locket that has flowers I picked for her burial in it.  Naming her and envisioning her as a little girl and as 'Maci' has helped me feel closer to her, and that she is not a 'fetus' but my precious little baby girl who I know I will meet when I go to heaven.  I have a near three year old son, Weston, and this morning I actually spoke with him about fairies and showed him pictures of fairies.  I said that they are magical and they fly around and sometimes we can see them but most people cannot see them.  I am teaching him about fairies because I am going to have him grow up knowing of a special fairy -  named Maci - who is going to leave him little surprise notes and toys.   For example any little bag that Weston can wrap around his arms he does so, as if it were a backpack, so this week I am going to purchase him a real backpack and I am going to leave it in the kitchen for him with a note from Maci, saying something along the lines of how she is a fairy and that even though he can't see her she has been watching him and sees what a good boy he is, how hard is he working on learning to use the potty, how sweet he is to his baby brother, and that she wanted to leave him this special toy.  And that she will be watching over him all the time.  When Weston is much older I will explain to him that we lost a baby when he was very little. 

I can also tell you that the grief does start to sting less.  I always count the dates (for example this morning was thinking that it was right around this time that she would have been conceived) and anniversaries of due dates and miscarriage dates stand out looming, but it does start to hurt less.  It is important to grieve and to be supported as you journey through this very difficult time. 

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are experiencing this right now.  I am sending you loving and peaceful energy.

Lisa

[libralise]

And I am so sorry that you are still waiting for your D&C.  I have never had one but my heart goes out to you and you will absolutely be in my thoughts.  Sending much love.