Post by darkheartedheroine on Mar 11, 2014 8:48:24 GMT -5
So I just joined as I had my miscarriage yesterday. I can't believe it. I had zero idea I was even pregnant.
So I am PCOS. I have not been pregnant before and was also told not to expect it to happen naturally. I am used to not having periods, random bleeding for really no apparent reason etc. Periods were never reliable for me and anything could happen. So when I didn't get one for ten weeks but had random spotting I thought nothing of it. I had no morning sickness, no discharge, no browning nipples, no breast growth, no signs of a pregnancy. h*ll I was even at the hospital Friday and they didn't feel it was necessary to test me. The girl asked her sup they looked at my chart and said not needed. Well it was. Until yesterday.
I had been woken out of a dead sleep. There was a cold sweat present and great pain. I thought I was in a bad sudden bowl infection, until I felt a trickle from below. Blood, and lots of it. I stopped freaking out and figured it was just an immensely bad period and I would head into the doctor as soon as I could. then a half an hour later in crying pain I felt something odd. I looked down. A large skin bag had fallen out of me and I immediately knew what was happening. I let the event play out, took some ibuprofen and went to the dr. down the street to have it confirmed. I was showing hormones of ten weeks pregnant. They sent me for an ultra sound and it was a total ab. No D&C needed. I never got to even hear my baby's heartbeat. I found out the same day I lost her. Now the whole world feels foggy. I sometimes notice people getting upset with me because I am not listening (I've only had about 14 hours to grieve as of now, so please understand where I am at.) I just wish I had known! I feel like the worst mother ever. I just went about living my life as if I wasn't pregnant, never made changes and I should have, like quitting smoking. I would have had I known, but I didn't know I was and I can't forgive myself for it. Is it all my fault? Am I just a terrible mom? Am I even considered a mom or am I taking the title falsely? Do I need to get her baptized and last rights so she goes to heaven, so one day I can hold her and say how sorry I am? Would someone just make people stop saying that stupid line "well at least you know you can get pregnant?" I just don't understand and would give my life to give birth to her. I would have loved to have been a mother. Two relationships and about 7 years on and off where it legit could have happened and when I would think I was and would pee on a stick it never was, there were times it was six months no period and no pregnancy. I hate the way my bf is acting, but I know he has to handle it his own way. He is still saying I love you, shocked because he didn't think I was either, he even brought me cheese pizza for comfort food. It's just the things he is saying. I just am letting him because I know he has to cope too. Am I as terrible as I think I am? I would give my life to take it back and do it over again, to give her life. I swear I would have done better.