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Post by sunflowersmom on Dec 14, 2013 15:29:18 GMT -5
I haven't posted here for a very long time. It's been over 8 years since I lost my full term baby girl at 39 weeks. I wish I could tell you that I've healed, that I've found peace with this finally. But that's so far from the truth. The truth is, the events of my life over the past 8 years say the opposite. I've not dealt well. I've not coped well. I believe I had some serious postpartum depression that didn't get treated like it needed to. That, combined with me having another baby less than one year after my loss and then another one, less than two years after that.
I believe I had postpartum depression with every child that was never treated that only became worse and worse with each pregnancy and now I think it has all turned into just a general depressive disorder. I haven't talked with a doctor about this but just trusting my gut and looking at the craziness of my life over the past eight years, I'm pretty confident that depression is the explanation.
I'm ashamed. I've always been ashamed. I think that's why I didn't get the help I needed. But now I have two living children (ages 5 and 7) but I'm unhappy with how I feel I've failed them. And the worst part is, it's all because I never was able to deal with losing Sunflower like I thought I was. At the time, I remember back, and I thought I was doing great. I thought I would be okay.
But two girlfriends recently both adopted these cute little tiny babies and I'm angry. I'm part of a mom's group and they brought them to the group and were showing them around and passing them around and I feel hate or something for these women. And one of them has three living children already!
My life just seems so far from what I wanted it to be. And I feel like I've just spun out of control the past eight years with barely any support. I've made some horrible decisions and I've missed out with my 5 and 7 year old big time. I just hate myself right now. I don't really know what to do.
I wanted to be strong but the truth is, I've just been suffering in silence for the past eight years. I don't have hope that the suffering will ever end. I'm ashamed. But I don't really know how not to suffer for the rest of my life. This loss has affected me greater than I ever thought. It's been a much harsher blow to my soul than I ever could have imagined.
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Post by emttori on Dec 21, 2013 21:16:15 GMT -5
Hey Summer,
I haven't been here for a while either, but I know we had some posts to each other years ago.
I'm so sorry to hear you haven't been doing well. Post partum depression is a very serious illness and if left untreated can be dangerous. I wish I had some words to make you feel better or to heal you. But we know that's just not the case. First, I would say there is NO reason to be ashamed. And there is no shame in getting help. About 2.5 years after Aidan died, I began to have flash backs. There didn't seem to be any reason for them, it wasn't an important date. No reason. I called my obgyn and asked for some kind of medicine to help. She prescribed me Zoloft. I picked it up from the pharmacy, but didn't take it. Knowing it was there helped a lot. I had it for 6 months before I finally took it. When I did, I felt like I was an angry person. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around myself. I snapped at everyone for everything. It didn't matter that my kids did nothing wrong, I snapped anyway. I couldn't take it anymore. It took a few weeks for the Zoloft to kick in, but I felt like a new person after that. I never sought counseling, but I often wonder if it would have helped me cope with my life better. I stayed on the Zoloft for 2 years then weaned myself off....only to end up on another medicine a couple years later for about 2 more years (celexa). I recently weaned from that and am doing really well... which is surprising since I am now separated and dealing with that while raising 4 kids. I never wanted to be that person who needed to be on meds to deal with life, but once I was on them... I wasn't ashamed to tell others. Some people go through life fine without it, and some need it. I did Marriage counseling 5 years ago, and I am currently in individual counseling. Quite honestly... I think everyone needs counseling at some point in their lives. We need to talk. We need to talk about our babies, our living children, our marriages or relationships... we need to talk. And sometimes it can't be to our friends or family. It has to be someone who isn't tied to us.
No one can tell you how to feel or how you should or shouldn't feel...it's something you have to find on your own. I remember people trying to talk me out of how I was feeling, or tell me my feelings were wrong, or that I was over reacting etc... What I can say is that there is no shame in seeking help for yourself to help you feel better. It sounds like you are long overdo to do something for yourself. I really hope you take some time for yourself, be gentle on yourself, remember that you are only human, and that there is still hope for the future.
I'll keep you in my prayers for a brighter tomorrow.
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Post by sunflowersmom on Jan 10, 2014 16:51:05 GMT -5
Hey Summer, I haven't been here for a while either, but I know we had some posts to each other years ago. I'm so sorry to hear you haven't been doing well. Post partum depression is a very serious illness and if left untreated can be dangerous. I wish I had some words to make you feel better or to heal you. But we know that's just not the case. First, I would say there is NO reason to be ashamed. And there is no shame in getting help. About 2.5 years after Aidan died, I began to have flash backs. There didn't seem to be any reason for them, it wasn't an important date. No reason. I called my obgyn and asked for some kind of medicine to help. She prescribed me Zoloft. I picked it up from the pharmacy, but didn't take it. Knowing it was there helped a lot. I had it for 6 months before I finally took it. When I did, I felt like I was an angry person. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around myself. I snapped at everyone for everything. It didn't matter that my kids did nothing wrong, I snapped anyway. I couldn't take it anymore. It took a few weeks for the Zoloft to kick in, but I felt like a new person after that. I never sought counseling, but I often wonder if it would have helped me cope with my life better. I stayed on the Zoloft for 2 years then weaned myself off....only to end up on another medicine a couple years later for about 2 more years (celexa). I recently weaned from that and am doing really well... which is surprising since I am now separated and dealing with that while raising 4 kids. I never wanted to be that person who needed to be on meds to deal with life, but once I was on them... I wasn't ashamed to tell others. Some people go through life fine without it, and some need it. I did Marriage counseling 5 years ago, and I am currently in individual counseling. Quite honestly... I think everyone needs counseling at some point in their lives. We need to talk. We need to talk about our babies, our living children, our marriages or relationships... we need to talk. And sometimes it can't be to our friends or family. It has to be someone who isn't tied to us. No one can tell you how to feel or how you should or shouldn't feel...it's something you have to find on your own. I remember people trying to talk me out of how I was feeling, or tell me my feelings were wrong, or that I was over reacting etc... What I can say is that there is no shame in seeking help for yourself to help you feel better. It sounds like you are long overdo to do something for yourself. I really hope you take some time for yourself, be gentle on yourself, remember that you are only human, and that there is still hope for the future. I'll keep you in my prayers for a brighter tomorrow.  |
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Post by thandie on Apr 21, 2014 17:26:12 GMT -5
Hey Summer,
I am really really sorry for your loss. My heart cries for you.
Dear, I feel the same. I have so much guilt, it could fill a whole house. I lost baby this January 2014 at 22 weeks.
This is because part of me wants to believe I caused it. Baby was totally healthy, great ultrasound, but I was already in labour and baby was coming and there is NOTHING anybody could do about it. How do you deal with that??
I have fibroids, did not know I have them until I got pregnant with our first baby.
Rarely, fibroids cause pre-term labour. I thought, well, that cannot happen to me. Guess what? I am now in the statistic of the rare people that have lost a healthy child due to pre-term labour.
Some days, I feel like I could just give up. What the point?? Some days, I thank God for the gift of good health and the possibility of having a healthy child in future.
When I look at a majority of causes of child loss, it normally due to a genetic disorder. Almost always something is wrong with baby.
Just look up on youtube videos of parents who have lost their child prematurely etc. When I look at those parents, sometimes the child is so disabled, and they have just a few hours to hold their child. I cry. How much that child has been loved!
My baby was 'sleeping' by the time he was born. I do not know how I would have coped seeing his little heartbeat going on his chest.
Sometimes I think God spared me that.
Dear, although every situation is different, I feel you in this specific area. But one this is for sure, we cannot reverse what has happened.
I always have to remind myself that it was not my fault. Had anyone told me I have fibroids and they cause pre-term labour, there is no way I would have wanted to conceive until I knew what the risks are. But it was kind of too late...
Three months, on I ask myself. What if it happens again? But I try my best not to think too much on this side.
When I lost baby, I am surprised how many women came to me and told me they have been through the same ordeal.
If women who have experienced loss walked around with a mark on their forehead, you would be surprised how many of us are out there.
Let your little one rest in peace now. Enjoy the beauty you have infront of your eyes right now. DO NOT LET THOSE MOMENTS PASS YOU dear.
You have two beautiful, healthy children. There is a lot of people, out there, including me, who wish for that.
5 and 7 is still young. Think of this, even if you will have one day in the year when you will remember your angel,
you now have a life, to see the two other ones grow, into young adults, teenagers, finish college, have a partner, marry...that is PRECIOUS!
By now, I think you know, that every little angel born healthy into this world, is a MIRACLE.
We humans take many things for granted because they just happen.
Its not easy especially if you have been depressed for long. BUT, depression is not a permanent thing. YOU CAN HEAL!
After the loss in January, I stayed in the house, windows closed, no answering phone calls for two months straight.
I cried, cried, cried, cried, cried................until one day I felt I have to do something.
It all starts with a small step, and its a fight, every minute. You need to start somewhere. Something small - write a journal to your baby. Tell them how you miss them.
I tell and ask my son everything as if he were here e.g. did I do something wrong? How are you doing? How does heaven look like? Mummy misses you, your siblings miss you. Stuff like that. Let it all out. Let it all out. God bless and be strong.
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Post by thandie on Apr 21, 2014 17:44:22 GMT -5
Hey Summer,
I just re read my post and am wondering if it sounds harsh / or tell you what to do. I am sorry I do not mean to.
This is just my story and I'm hoping to encourage you with it. By the way, I am also going for counselling (noticed someone else wrote on this).
Three months on, I still do have very very hard days, I suffer mostly with guilt and depression, but I know I have one choice, to hang on, even on a thread of hope.
I also have flashback of the whole ordeal from the time we were told baby is coming till he was born (lasted about 18 hours). Not easy.
I went back to work, one of my work colleagues is due soon, and my sister in law too. I am happy for them, but...pain, pain, deep pain.
But what can you do?? (I lock yourself in the toilet, cry a river, put on Visine Red Eye and press on with a forged smile).
Not trying to discourage you, sometimes when the lows come, they are deep; but when a high peeks through, even for a little while, push yourself to grasp it before its gone again. Eventually, it will pay off.
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