Post by cata on Nov 21, 2013 11:50:44 GMT -5
I would like to share my story, hoping it will help me deal with my grief and pain.
On October 31, I woke up a bit restless because I had not felt my baby's movements since the day before and I could not place what time I felt him last. I had had a very busy day with my other two girls ( DD's 7 and 9 years), work, trick or treating and late dinner with my hubby.
I tried a big breakfast, sugary drink, laying on my left side and nothing so I called my Dr. on the verge of tears, she asked me to come over to her practice. After a good 40 mins of trying to find a heartbeat and movement she asked me to call my husband and go in for a sonogram and that's when I began to pray and plead to our Lord, for I knew something was wrong with my baby boy.
I was almost 29 weeks into a seemingly perfect pregnancy and believe me, we had all the tests we could find done, for we had been trying to concieve for 3 years before getting preggo with baby no.3 and we wanted to take no chances. At 37 years of age, I felt very blessed that my family would finally be complete . Apart from feeling tired and a low lying placenta ( placenta previa), baby and mommy were perfectly healthy and happy.
At the sonogram, tears came down my face as I saw the technicians face and heard the words no heartbeat, the room was spinning, I couldn't breath.......all I could think was nonononononono, this is not real, its not happening, this was not even a posibility in my mind!!!!, he has to be alive.
After a few hours of disbelief and wailing, the Dr. told me, because my placenta was so low and likely covering the crown of my cervix I would need a c-section, but she would make it as comfortable as she could for me, given the situation. An hour later I was headed to the OR, my heart completely broken but believing the worst had already happened.
I woke up hours later in the ICU, disoriented, in great pain and was informed I had almost died in surgery, my placenta had lodged itself in my uterus and when the DR. removed it she could not stop the bleeding much as she had tried ( 7hours), in the end she had to perform and emergency Hysterectomy.
Thus, I will never bear children again and my loss is duplicated. My dear husband and family's ordeal was enormous as well, for the thought of my girls growing up without me is too much to endure.
So today, I am grateful to be alive but grieving desperatly for my son, whom I only saw for a few minutes in the ICU and could not hold, my angel is gone and I feel I could not offer a proper goodbye. My husband and family, thought it best to bury him right away not knowing when I would be well enough to contribute. My only comfort is that he is in heaven and one day, I pray I will find him there.
As for the cause of my stillbirth, the Dr. believes it was a cord accident, fot it was wrapped around his neck and my placenta was also probably not functioning properly. About a month before he died, the sonogram technitian had told us he was a bit small for 24 weeks, but the Dr. believed all was well and his weight was fine, so maybe the measurements would change later on. Sometimes I think this will comfort me, but as much as I try to find why this happened to me, it will not bring him back and does not make me feel any better. I feel alone and as though God was on vacation when this happened to me, because I had prayed so much for this baby.
Catalina
Mommy
DD 09/01/2004
DD 10/06/06
DS born still 10/31/13
On October 31, I woke up a bit restless because I had not felt my baby's movements since the day before and I could not place what time I felt him last. I had had a very busy day with my other two girls ( DD's 7 and 9 years), work, trick or treating and late dinner with my hubby.
I tried a big breakfast, sugary drink, laying on my left side and nothing so I called my Dr. on the verge of tears, she asked me to come over to her practice. After a good 40 mins of trying to find a heartbeat and movement she asked me to call my husband and go in for a sonogram and that's when I began to pray and plead to our Lord, for I knew something was wrong with my baby boy.
I was almost 29 weeks into a seemingly perfect pregnancy and believe me, we had all the tests we could find done, for we had been trying to concieve for 3 years before getting preggo with baby no.3 and we wanted to take no chances. At 37 years of age, I felt very blessed that my family would finally be complete . Apart from feeling tired and a low lying placenta ( placenta previa), baby and mommy were perfectly healthy and happy.
At the sonogram, tears came down my face as I saw the technicians face and heard the words no heartbeat, the room was spinning, I couldn't breath.......all I could think was nonononononono, this is not real, its not happening, this was not even a posibility in my mind!!!!, he has to be alive.
After a few hours of disbelief and wailing, the Dr. told me, because my placenta was so low and likely covering the crown of my cervix I would need a c-section, but she would make it as comfortable as she could for me, given the situation. An hour later I was headed to the OR, my heart completely broken but believing the worst had already happened.
I woke up hours later in the ICU, disoriented, in great pain and was informed I had almost died in surgery, my placenta had lodged itself in my uterus and when the DR. removed it she could not stop the bleeding much as she had tried ( 7hours), in the end she had to perform and emergency Hysterectomy.
Thus, I will never bear children again and my loss is duplicated. My dear husband and family's ordeal was enormous as well, for the thought of my girls growing up without me is too much to endure.
So today, I am grateful to be alive but grieving desperatly for my son, whom I only saw for a few minutes in the ICU and could not hold, my angel is gone and I feel I could not offer a proper goodbye. My husband and family, thought it best to bury him right away not knowing when I would be well enough to contribute. My only comfort is that he is in heaven and one day, I pray I will find him there.
As for the cause of my stillbirth, the Dr. believes it was a cord accident, fot it was wrapped around his neck and my placenta was also probably not functioning properly. About a month before he died, the sonogram technitian had told us he was a bit small for 24 weeks, but the Dr. believed all was well and his weight was fine, so maybe the measurements would change later on. Sometimes I think this will comfort me, but as much as I try to find why this happened to me, it will not bring him back and does not make me feel any better. I feel alone and as though God was on vacation when this happened to me, because I had prayed so much for this baby.
Catalina
Mommy
DD 09/01/2004
DD 10/06/06
DS born still 10/31/13