Post by lillamb on Nov 19, 2013 23:51:28 GMT -5
Ok. I have to tell someone, I have to say something. This is my story.
I was 41, and for the first time in my life, I missed my period. I'm single, broke, living with 3 cats, and now I'm pregnant. I had tried all through my younger years (when I actually had a boyfriend) to conceive. Never happened. So, I just figured it wasn't in the cards for me, then I get thyroid disease....well, no wonder then. Met a guy at a party...well. You are now caught up with the story. I'm scared, excited, nervous....I have insurance....I work in the medical field....took my prenatal vitamins, go to my appointments. Because of my 'advanced maternal age' (yes, they actually said that to me out loud and everything) an ultrasound was immediately ordered to determine viability. And, so it was. So I go on preparing for this shock of a life changer. I tell co workers, a few close friends and 3 family members, I'm cultivating the nerve to figure out the best way to let the rest know. I'm steady collecting things....that's the 'nester' in me I guess. Bouncy seat, crib, exersaucer, breast pump, etc. Next appointment, no heartbeat. Now what? Miss work, go home and cry. Cose to allow my body to naturally do what it needs to. Apparently the death was extremely close to the appointment (personally, I firmly believe it was the previous day) because it took my body over 2.5 weeks to recognize and expell naturally. I had an appointment for procedure on a Tuesday, but the Saturday night before was when the pains started, and consequently ended. Another ultrasound to determine exactly what next step is, which revealed a need for d&c. Not all tissue was gone.
This, however, is only part of it. At same exam which revealed no heartbeat, another problem was discovered. Dermoid cyst size 7cm. On right ovary. What to do? Wait. At same ultrasound which revealed not all tissue expelled, said cyst was even yet larger, decision made to have removed (along with said ovary) at later time, but soon since it's growing quickly. Again, because of my age, location and size of cyst, no effort was made to explore the option of saving the ovary. I understand why, they actually explained that part. Why do I say it that way?
I've never been pregnant. I've never been sick. (not in the hospital kind of sick) I know I need prenatal care, knowledgeable women know that...that's why I'm here in the office. But......
What were the results of the first ultrasound? It was viable, that's all I know...that's all I was told (plus a due date). I did not know all the questions to ask....therefore no additional information was given. I looked up everything I saw and heard on the Internet. Google became my friend. Heart rate? Don't know. Didn't know to ask.
At the second ultrasound, when no heartbeat was detected, but the cyst was found, I saw the baby on the screen. I'll never forget that it was a baby....head, nose, belly, fingers. Resting in my uterus, seeming asleep. It was just an outline. I found out more on that day about the cyst than I did about my baby. One thing I understand....I will never know why. I get that.....that's not what I needed. When did it die? How big was it? Can I still have the photo, since it will be the only one ever taken? I did not know I needed to ask these questions in order to find the answers. I didn't know I wanted to know the answers, needed to know them. It was a shock to be pregnant in the first place, let alone to lose it just as quickly as I found it. I still do not know these things.
The appointment was made for a d&c for a Tuesday. Preceding Saturday, very late at night (some would say early morning sunday) the cramping began. Then the bleeding. I called the after hours line.....I only know of this because I work in the medical field....NOT because my physicians ever said 'hey btw, if something ever happens, call...', no.
So, she walks me through what to do. When the tissue comes out, I fished it out of the toilet.....some weird part of me thought maybe I'd see the baby. No....I think I made my mind think I saw it, but likely not. Anyways, they told me what to do about all the rest. Come in Monday, get checked, bring fished tissue with me. I did, no evidence of baby....dr said likely I flushed it, that it probably came out before the rest and went up into the neck of potty and I missed it. Sad thing to think, that I flushed my baby, even if it wasn't alive. Felt like a fish's funeral is all it had. Upsets my tummy a bit. But how was I to know?? I didn't know to ask what all the details should be.
Sex on February 26. Missed period in march. Positive hpt (4, actually) march 16. Blood test march 21. First ultrasound march 29. Second ultrasound, bad news may 2. Natural expulsion may 18/19. D&c may 20. Ovary/cyst removal July 12. So in less than a whole maternity term, I was pregnant, not pregnant, and lost half the ability to become pregnant again.
So why am I here? Because despite all of it, the accidental nature of it all, I wanted it. It was a surprise, a blessing, and then vanished. Someone describing your book called it a 'stolen promise' which I think is perfectly accurate. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why it un-happened. I realize this happens and un-happens to thousands of women, millions. I'm not asking why me, because we all want to know, but will never uncover that answer. But I would like to know this: how can I ? Live without crying? Sleep without waking? Be happy without guilt? Smile without tears? Tell the world without telling anyone? Describe how I feel....when I don't even know? The sadness is so deeply suffocating, more than anything I've ever known. I cannot talk about it with anyone without making them uncomfortable or likewise sad. I don't know how to behave. I do not understand how to get past, through, around, however you want to call it......this emptiness. This shredded heart that I've tried to keep beating inside me. I know there are no reasons why, that's not my concern. I want to know how. How?
My due date was Thursday, November 21
I was 41, and for the first time in my life, I missed my period. I'm single, broke, living with 3 cats, and now I'm pregnant. I had tried all through my younger years (when I actually had a boyfriend) to conceive. Never happened. So, I just figured it wasn't in the cards for me, then I get thyroid disease....well, no wonder then. Met a guy at a party...well. You are now caught up with the story. I'm scared, excited, nervous....I have insurance....I work in the medical field....took my prenatal vitamins, go to my appointments. Because of my 'advanced maternal age' (yes, they actually said that to me out loud and everything) an ultrasound was immediately ordered to determine viability. And, so it was. So I go on preparing for this shock of a life changer. I tell co workers, a few close friends and 3 family members, I'm cultivating the nerve to figure out the best way to let the rest know. I'm steady collecting things....that's the 'nester' in me I guess. Bouncy seat, crib, exersaucer, breast pump, etc. Next appointment, no heartbeat. Now what? Miss work, go home and cry. Cose to allow my body to naturally do what it needs to. Apparently the death was extremely close to the appointment (personally, I firmly believe it was the previous day) because it took my body over 2.5 weeks to recognize and expell naturally. I had an appointment for procedure on a Tuesday, but the Saturday night before was when the pains started, and consequently ended. Another ultrasound to determine exactly what next step is, which revealed a need for d&c. Not all tissue was gone.
This, however, is only part of it. At same exam which revealed no heartbeat, another problem was discovered. Dermoid cyst size 7cm. On right ovary. What to do? Wait. At same ultrasound which revealed not all tissue expelled, said cyst was even yet larger, decision made to have removed (along with said ovary) at later time, but soon since it's growing quickly. Again, because of my age, location and size of cyst, no effort was made to explore the option of saving the ovary. I understand why, they actually explained that part. Why do I say it that way?
I've never been pregnant. I've never been sick. (not in the hospital kind of sick) I know I need prenatal care, knowledgeable women know that...that's why I'm here in the office. But......
What were the results of the first ultrasound? It was viable, that's all I know...that's all I was told (plus a due date). I did not know all the questions to ask....therefore no additional information was given. I looked up everything I saw and heard on the Internet. Google became my friend. Heart rate? Don't know. Didn't know to ask.
At the second ultrasound, when no heartbeat was detected, but the cyst was found, I saw the baby on the screen. I'll never forget that it was a baby....head, nose, belly, fingers. Resting in my uterus, seeming asleep. It was just an outline. I found out more on that day about the cyst than I did about my baby. One thing I understand....I will never know why. I get that.....that's not what I needed. When did it die? How big was it? Can I still have the photo, since it will be the only one ever taken? I did not know I needed to ask these questions in order to find the answers. I didn't know I wanted to know the answers, needed to know them. It was a shock to be pregnant in the first place, let alone to lose it just as quickly as I found it. I still do not know these things.
The appointment was made for a d&c for a Tuesday. Preceding Saturday, very late at night (some would say early morning sunday) the cramping began. Then the bleeding. I called the after hours line.....I only know of this because I work in the medical field....NOT because my physicians ever said 'hey btw, if something ever happens, call...', no.
So, she walks me through what to do. When the tissue comes out, I fished it out of the toilet.....some weird part of me thought maybe I'd see the baby. No....I think I made my mind think I saw it, but likely not. Anyways, they told me what to do about all the rest. Come in Monday, get checked, bring fished tissue with me. I did, no evidence of baby....dr said likely I flushed it, that it probably came out before the rest and went up into the neck of potty and I missed it. Sad thing to think, that I flushed my baby, even if it wasn't alive. Felt like a fish's funeral is all it had. Upsets my tummy a bit. But how was I to know?? I didn't know to ask what all the details should be.
Sex on February 26. Missed period in march. Positive hpt (4, actually) march 16. Blood test march 21. First ultrasound march 29. Second ultrasound, bad news may 2. Natural expulsion may 18/19. D&c may 20. Ovary/cyst removal July 12. So in less than a whole maternity term, I was pregnant, not pregnant, and lost half the ability to become pregnant again.
So why am I here? Because despite all of it, the accidental nature of it all, I wanted it. It was a surprise, a blessing, and then vanished. Someone describing your book called it a 'stolen promise' which I think is perfectly accurate. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why it un-happened. I realize this happens and un-happens to thousands of women, millions. I'm not asking why me, because we all want to know, but will never uncover that answer. But I would like to know this: how can I ? Live without crying? Sleep without waking? Be happy without guilt? Smile without tears? Tell the world without telling anyone? Describe how I feel....when I don't even know? The sadness is so deeply suffocating, more than anything I've ever known. I cannot talk about it with anyone without making them uncomfortable or likewise sad. I don't know how to behave. I do not understand how to get past, through, around, however you want to call it......this emptiness. This shredded heart that I've tried to keep beating inside me. I know there are no reasons why, that's not my concern. I want to know how. How?
My due date was Thursday, November 21
