Please Help--REALLY struggling with my marriage

[sdgabsghksja]

Hi All

A little history about me.   My wife and I have been married for 11 years.   Great marriage up until 3 1/2 years ago.   We lost our 6 year old little boy, his best friend, and my wife's best friend in a drowning accident.

Needless to say for the first 2 years we were both in complete shock.    I was totally checked out of everything, including our marriage.    Now that I'm checked back in to the marriage my wife is the one struggling and she is checked out.    I'm having a very hard time dealing with her being checked out and find myself thinking she's either having an affair or she just isn't in love with me anymore.   

We've discussed the issues together and she assures me she is hurting terribly and she's just in a bad place.   She says she is in love with me and she's certainly not having an affair. 

Ladies, I'd love to hear your input on how I can help her.    I  love her more than anything and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her through this.    The problem is what I seem to think is helping isn't.    Do I just back off and let her be?    It's driving me crazy thinking there is something else going on that's making her so distant.    I was at a point where I was ready to leave.   I know that's not the answer.   What can I do, if anything?

Thanks!

[jezebel]

I don't know if I can help, I didn't have a child with my husband this is my second marriage and he had 4 years where my son lived with us but I am sure he felt as I did and for me as well. I told him I don't know how long it wouold be for me to come around my son was 30 and my father was 87 they both died in a fire well dad physically died 5 days later, I can' only tell you on my side and how it went with us we have been married 15 years and this was awful awful accident as was yours. I didn't do anything much other then care for my animals I wanted to roll up in a ball and die. But when ever I started to talk of my son my husband would agree it was not fair, he didn't know what to say I think but he let me talk I think this is the key. We didn't need to talk much I don't know why but I was a week after and a little more I decided I need to get my but in gear my son David wouldn't want me to be sad he would of had something to get me to laugh.


I can offer this I am not telling you to do this but think on this and if both of you get crying it is ok. Tell you wife how you feel and ask how she feels inside this is not ever to get over I can't said you will ever get over it I am 1 year and some past his death but I have found it helps me to have a memorail for my son I took the grave marker from the cemetary one his headstone was in and put it in my back yard I have placed thing at this memorial, and it has help me cop. My son and father lived in PA I live in NC and I go back every year. Maybe if you get something to put at your little ones grave she might feel better. I fel for ya I really do. And at the very least just hold her and say it will get better which I can say without a doubt it gets better with time. She could be in depression ut you will not know unless asked or you should know I guess shouldn't you I don't know


I wish you the best and hope she copes better.


Rhayden

[myheart]

I know that women and men are so different in their emotions. She may be coming from a place that you have been able to move on from or never even felt. She may be feeling guilt, even if it's just feeling happy when your lost loved ones can not. I find it very difficult to find any happiness with my 9 year old boy gone. I can't imagine also loosing my best friend. I find that anytime I find myself in a 'normal' life moment with my husband, I immediately shut down. It almost seems any trigger of happiness triggers even more unhappiness. I am sorry you are struggling. I haven't stopped loving my husband, but I don't know how to be me anymore. It's possible she is unsure how to find herself again. If we don't know who we are, it's hard to be one of two. I can assume you are seeing a therapist, if not I highly recommend it. My thoughts are with you. You loved her very much then and now, don't give up on her, she needs you more then ever.
Sincerely,
Krista