It's been awhile ~

[myangelamanda]

I took a break from here for the past 4 months or so. I really needed it. My head and my heart needed it. Then yesterday morning we received an email from our principal that a 6th grader died suddenly and unexpectedly on Thursday night. He is the brother of one of K's friends and classmates. And wham! the head and heart that were in a "better" place is now suddenly back to where they were many many years ago.

The viewing and funeral are the same place as Amanda's. So many of the people will be the same people.

I never went to a funeral for a child until my daughter's funeral. In the past 8 years I have now been to 4 additional and now I will be up to 5 funerals for 5 ADDITIONAL children besides my own daughter. 6 children's funerals in 8 years time!

This is just simply too much to understand and take in ~ way too much.

I had a huge breakdown after reading the email. I read it 7 times before it made sense and once it made sense and I realized what I was reading I just broke down. Too many children ... too many moms and dads and siblings knowing this life long torturous pain. I mean the Sandy Hook shooting tore me up. Don't get me wrong. I was devastated, but when it's someone you know personally ... you know the family ... it not only is devastating, but it destroys any and all progress made over the years. I guess the good thing is that I know I'll have a few bad days and then be on the upside of the wave. I just hate knowing my friend is now at the beginning. The worst place to be is the beginning in my opinion.

Thanks for listening.

xox

[lindac]

((((((((((((((((((((((Amanda)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is so good to see you but hate the reason. It is hard to see others have to go through what we have. No one should ever have to go through this. The plus side is knowing that your friend has someone who truly understands. She won't feel as alone in her grief.

Take care of yourself Amanda.

Sending tons of hugs.

[myangelamanda]

(((((((Linda)))))))

Thanks for your words. I hope you and your dh are doing well. I remember all those years ago when you and I were each others secret Santa and we'd PM back and forth.

Thank you for reading and responding. It has been a very difficult week emotionally and I'm trying SO HARD to not make this about me. The night of the viewing was so difficult because people were hugging ME and it was so uncomfortable as I just wanted to be there for my friend ... but even my friends husband hugged me when I got to him and he said out loud "I am so sorry for your loss" which I got, but just wished was never said so loudly with all those people around... it is not about me, but inside of me well ... it is.

(((((((hugs)))))))))

Thank you so much for responding to my cry. I just needed to get it out. The whole circumstance of the little boy's death is so sensitive. He was 12 and I just can't even wrap my mind and heart around a child feeling the need to meet God (if you can read between the lines here). My Amanda looked me straight in the face and said "Mommy ... I don't want to die" so this is just ripping me apart knowing my child wanted life when another did not. So difficult and so hard for anyone as I know you know.

Peace to you and your sweet husband. I hope your cats are well too.

xox
~michele

[judiann]

(((((Michelle)))))

Good to take a break from here.....our heads & hearts need a break from our never-ending grief....it eases with the passing years but it never ends....

Sandy Hook was beyond the most Horrific anything Ever....I still have trouble with it.
In an instant...it does "Destroy any & all Progress" we've made over the years but I think that only lasts for a short time.....no matter what happens...we seem to "recover" now, much faster then we used to....

Bad days?? Yes. On the "upside of the wave"?? yeah...we have to just to survive.

I agree..."the worst place to be is the beginning"

I hold you in my heart always,

Love ya,
judiann

p.s.,,,,sorry, but you really didn;t need to my heartbreaks. some are just hard to let go....

[lindac]

I remember about a month after Sean died another lady at my church lost her daughter. I tried to give her support but it was very hard. I understand not wanting it to be about you but also know the feelings it brings up. I felt guilty when everyone was clustered around comforting this lady because I sat there thinking what about me. I felt guilty about those feelings but they were honest. Your friends realized that this would bring up so many emotions for you and they wanted you to know they understood how hard it had to be. You will be of great support to your friend. You may need to let her know that it is okay to share her grief with you. She may be hesitant for fear of bringing it all back up.

My hubby is doing well. It is amazing when you consider where he was this time last year. He has also lost 80 pounds. I really need to change my picture. Of those 3 we only have Emily. Flash died about 6 months after his brother from the same urinary problem. Baby died suddenly a year ago Christmas. We now have a little ginger cat, Fina and just a few weeks ago we felt the need to adopt Kayla, a huge ginger who was 9 1/2 years old and had been at the Humane Society here for 6 months. They keep us busy and well entertained. I will try to pm you over the next few days. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Take care. Sending hugs.

[missingisaiah]

I've been on a long break myself. This board has been so quiet, I just went to facebook.
I am sorry you have had so many children funerals to go to. Huge ((((HUGS))) to you. I know the funerals are so hard for you to attend, but I am sure the parents are glad to have you, someone who gets the pain, to be there to support them.

[myheart]

The beginning is a black hole.... I thinks that's what makes the 'wham' moments so bad, it takes you right back to the beginning pain after working so hard to feel more numb or find a way to get through each day. I am sorry for another loss and for those families. Sending prayers