Post by tassarella on Feb 3, 2013 22:32:49 GMT -5
This weekend my husband and I lost our 4th baby together, and my 6th.
I lost my first, Justin, in March 2003 due to a congenital heart defect at 19 weeks. I lost my second, Oscar, in January 2009 at 12 weeks.
In July 2010 I met my husband. We were engaged by the November and married the following August. It really was love from the very start. In March 2011 I was a little late for my period but didn't think anything of it as we were using contraception. However, when my 'period' did start it was heavier than usual and I passed an angel baby at approx 6 weeks.
In November 2011 I was diagnosed with PCOS and in the following January my husband and I decided that we would begin trying for a family. We were very happy when in April 2012 we got a positive, but two days later I began to bleed. Another angel lost. I fell pregnant again the following cycle and this time I carried to exactly 12 weeks when I began bleeding. A scan confirmed that I had lost our little girl, Heidi.
In September we began trying again and I fell pregnant immediately. We thought we were blessed to be able to fall pregnant so easily despite my PCOS diagnosis. Everything was going well. I had additional scans and was on progesterone and Heparin (an anticoagulant) because whilst they didn't know why I kept losing babies, some women respond well to this treatment and go on to have healthy babies.
After my 12 week scan we began buying little bits for our baby and put a deposit down on a pram. We discussed names and were both convinced we were having a little boy. We began to let ourselves get excited. On the 17th January 2013 we found out that we were having a little boy and that he was (as far as they could tell) healthy. The 19th was my due date with Heidi. We believed she was protecting him and giving us the healthy baby we longed for. We decided to name our little boy after the three most influential and protective men in our lives. My Grandad Robert, my Dad Karl and my husbands Dad Eddy. Robert Karl Eddy.
From around the 27th January onwards my cervical discharge changed, but I truly believed this was due to changing hormones. It became thick and snot like, and by the 30th January I was contemplating going to see my Dr in case it was thrush or another mild infection. At nearly 1am on the 31st January I phoned the maternity triage as I'd lost a lot more of this discharge and was worried it could be the plug. I was advised to rest in bed for 24 hours but to call back if there were any other problems.
At 5.30pm I lost some more of this discharge and there was a small amount of blood in it so I called triage again and this time spoke to a different midwife who was very dismissive. Asked if I'd contacted my family Dr (which I couldn't at this point as they were closed) and said if I started bleeding a LOT go to A&E. She didn't seem to think it was their problem although by this point I was 21 weeks pregnant. She was also dismissive of the fact that Robert wasn't moving as much as usual, claiming I couldn't know that at 21 weeks as I'd only just be able to feel him move. I'd been feeling him for over 3 weeks at this point, knew his habits and he had been kicking so hard that even hubby had felt him occasionally.
By midnight I was feeling some back ache and mild 'period type' pains and I'd lost another tiny bit of blood so I called the out-of-hours Dr who advised me to go to A&E. My husband and I got straight in a taxi and when we arrived explained what was happening to the receptionist who immediately got me transferred to maternity triage.
The midwife I saw was lovely and listened to our concerns, but didn't seem overly worried herself. She checked the baby with the doppler and heard he had a good heartbeat and heard him kick a couple of times (he always kicked when we put the doppler on him, he didn't like anything intruding on his space). She said he felt like a good size too. But she said they would take some bloods and get a Dr to do an internal and take a swab in case I had an infection. The Drs were all in surgery but she had let one know that she was needed.
The Dr arrived shortly after and during the internal her and the midwife exchanged a look that told me something wasn't right. They both disappeared for 10 minutes and then returned with another Dr called Adam. It was explained to us that he had been called in as he was a more senior Dr and when they had done the internal they couldn't see my cervix at all and the amniotic membranes were bulging through. I was fully dilated. Both my husband and I were in shock and crying and begging them to do what they could. Adam didn't try to give us any false hope but said that if labor didn't start within a few hours, and his colleagues agreed, they might be able to try putting a cervical stitch in to try and get me to a point where our little boy had a chance. Here in the UK they won't do anything to help a baby born before 24 weeks.
The midwife was preparing for me to be transferred to the labor ward, and I got up and went to the bathroom quickly. Within 5 minutes my pains were stronger and I knew for certain that things would not be holding off long enough for them to put in the stitch. It was 2am.
As soon as I got onto the labor ward my body began to take over. I tried to stop myself from pushing but it did no good. My body wouldn't stop and I now knew the Drs wouldn't do anything so I let my body take over. I think my husband may have got this part worse than me because he was fully aware of what was happening and all he could do was sponge my forhead, help me move into move comfortable positions and hold my gas and air tube for me when I couldn't. At about 3am I was really struggling with the pain and so I was given diamorphine to help. The contractions were coming one on top of the other and lasting a long time. My poor husband got punched in the face when he told me to breath deeper on the gas and air. I had been aiming for the bed but got him instead. Not once has he held that against me, and instead said he wished I'd hit him more and taken out more of my pain on him. But how could I when he was nothing but supportive and fantastic?
At 3.35am I pushed out Roberts head. His waters were still in tact and needed to be broken. I felt the gush of water and then the contractions just stopped. And I felt relief. Relief that the physical pain had stopped, relief that I might wake up from this awful nightmare, all the while knowing that no this wasn't the case. Adam was called back in and I remember him telling my husband (there was no point them trying to talk to me at this point) that this often happens when babies are this premature. That there simply isn't enough of them to force my body to push. Little Roberts foot was also caught in my pelvis and so Adam had to reach up to try and free it.
At this point was when Roberts heart stopped and then suddenly there was lots of activity with midwives trying to put lines in, asking each other time and again what blood group I was, Adam saying that I needed to be prepped for surgery unless Robert was born that very second. I was willing to just give up at this point, and I would have if my husband hadn't whispered to me to push because he couldn't lose me to. Somewhere, somehow I found the strength for 3 good pushes and Robert was born asleep at 4am.
My husband cut his cord and the midwife who delivered him, Caroline, wrapped him in a towel and gave him to my husband to place on my chest. He was absolutely perfect. He had my nose and my husbands chin. His little head had a small amount of fuzzy hair. His little fingers and toes were so perfect with perfect little finger nails and toe nails. He even had the start of little eyebrows. We spent the next 8 hours cuddling him, taking pictures with him and singing to him except for when I went for a shower and they took him to wrap in a blanket, put his little hat on, weigh him and take his hand and foot prints for us, and take some pictures as well to put in a memory book for us.
Those are some of the most precious and painful moments of my life. I am so grateful that I have those memories but oh how I wish I had my baby boy to bring home, cuddle, love and watch grow. Words will never be enough to explain how much I love him and miss him.
The days following have been difficult. My bump disappeared almost immediately. This morning, 2 days after Robert was born, my milk came in. I believe nature is somewhat cruel to let my breasts be engorged, painful, heavy and full when there is no baby for me to feed. I feel like my body is showing the signs of my grief to all that know me, but to the outside world I just look like any other woman. I want to shout at the world that I'm grieving. Why are there still political debates, court cases, scientific discoveries etc on the news? Why has the whole world not stood still, only ours?
We are waiting for a number of tests to be completed before we really know what happened, but all the Drs we saw at the hospital suggested the same thing 'Incompetent Cervix'. So my body failed. The name even says so. My body is in some way incompetent and failed my son. It couldn't keep him safe until he was ready to be born.
We have to wait for the postmortem to be finished before we can arrange a funeral. The 3rd time I've arranged a funeral for one of my babies. Life really isn't fair. No one should have to do that once let alone 3 times. I should be shopping to buy things for my sons nursery. Instead I'm shopping for tiny premmie clothes to dress him in for his funeral.
Before this last year both my husband and I considered ourselves Christians. We went to church, were married in a church and fully believed in God. Now we are both angry at God and I am questioning his existence entirely. I'm sorry if that offends anyone but I can't bring myself to pray or even accept that others are praying for us. I don't understand what either me or my husband could have done to deserve this amount of pain. We both try to be good people and my husband certainly is a good person. We've both made mistakes but nothing that deserves this. Maybe in time I will change my mind, but for now I have lost my faith.
Thankyou for reading and I am sorry that we all have to connect through something so awful. RIP all our angels. xx
I lost my first, Justin, in March 2003 due to a congenital heart defect at 19 weeks. I lost my second, Oscar, in January 2009 at 12 weeks.
In July 2010 I met my husband. We were engaged by the November and married the following August. It really was love from the very start. In March 2011 I was a little late for my period but didn't think anything of it as we were using contraception. However, when my 'period' did start it was heavier than usual and I passed an angel baby at approx 6 weeks.
In November 2011 I was diagnosed with PCOS and in the following January my husband and I decided that we would begin trying for a family. We were very happy when in April 2012 we got a positive, but two days later I began to bleed. Another angel lost. I fell pregnant again the following cycle and this time I carried to exactly 12 weeks when I began bleeding. A scan confirmed that I had lost our little girl, Heidi.
In September we began trying again and I fell pregnant immediately. We thought we were blessed to be able to fall pregnant so easily despite my PCOS diagnosis. Everything was going well. I had additional scans and was on progesterone and Heparin (an anticoagulant) because whilst they didn't know why I kept losing babies, some women respond well to this treatment and go on to have healthy babies.
After my 12 week scan we began buying little bits for our baby and put a deposit down on a pram. We discussed names and were both convinced we were having a little boy. We began to let ourselves get excited. On the 17th January 2013 we found out that we were having a little boy and that he was (as far as they could tell) healthy. The 19th was my due date with Heidi. We believed she was protecting him and giving us the healthy baby we longed for. We decided to name our little boy after the three most influential and protective men in our lives. My Grandad Robert, my Dad Karl and my husbands Dad Eddy. Robert Karl Eddy.
From around the 27th January onwards my cervical discharge changed, but I truly believed this was due to changing hormones. It became thick and snot like, and by the 30th January I was contemplating going to see my Dr in case it was thrush or another mild infection. At nearly 1am on the 31st January I phoned the maternity triage as I'd lost a lot more of this discharge and was worried it could be the plug. I was advised to rest in bed for 24 hours but to call back if there were any other problems.
At 5.30pm I lost some more of this discharge and there was a small amount of blood in it so I called triage again and this time spoke to a different midwife who was very dismissive. Asked if I'd contacted my family Dr (which I couldn't at this point as they were closed) and said if I started bleeding a LOT go to A&E. She didn't seem to think it was their problem although by this point I was 21 weeks pregnant. She was also dismissive of the fact that Robert wasn't moving as much as usual, claiming I couldn't know that at 21 weeks as I'd only just be able to feel him move. I'd been feeling him for over 3 weeks at this point, knew his habits and he had been kicking so hard that even hubby had felt him occasionally.
By midnight I was feeling some back ache and mild 'period type' pains and I'd lost another tiny bit of blood so I called the out-of-hours Dr who advised me to go to A&E. My husband and I got straight in a taxi and when we arrived explained what was happening to the receptionist who immediately got me transferred to maternity triage.
The midwife I saw was lovely and listened to our concerns, but didn't seem overly worried herself. She checked the baby with the doppler and heard he had a good heartbeat and heard him kick a couple of times (he always kicked when we put the doppler on him, he didn't like anything intruding on his space). She said he felt like a good size too. But she said they would take some bloods and get a Dr to do an internal and take a swab in case I had an infection. The Drs were all in surgery but she had let one know that she was needed.
The Dr arrived shortly after and during the internal her and the midwife exchanged a look that told me something wasn't right. They both disappeared for 10 minutes and then returned with another Dr called Adam. It was explained to us that he had been called in as he was a more senior Dr and when they had done the internal they couldn't see my cervix at all and the amniotic membranes were bulging through. I was fully dilated. Both my husband and I were in shock and crying and begging them to do what they could. Adam didn't try to give us any false hope but said that if labor didn't start within a few hours, and his colleagues agreed, they might be able to try putting a cervical stitch in to try and get me to a point where our little boy had a chance. Here in the UK they won't do anything to help a baby born before 24 weeks.
The midwife was preparing for me to be transferred to the labor ward, and I got up and went to the bathroom quickly. Within 5 minutes my pains were stronger and I knew for certain that things would not be holding off long enough for them to put in the stitch. It was 2am.
As soon as I got onto the labor ward my body began to take over. I tried to stop myself from pushing but it did no good. My body wouldn't stop and I now knew the Drs wouldn't do anything so I let my body take over. I think my husband may have got this part worse than me because he was fully aware of what was happening and all he could do was sponge my forhead, help me move into move comfortable positions and hold my gas and air tube for me when I couldn't. At about 3am I was really struggling with the pain and so I was given diamorphine to help. The contractions were coming one on top of the other and lasting a long time. My poor husband got punched in the face when he told me to breath deeper on the gas and air. I had been aiming for the bed but got him instead. Not once has he held that against me, and instead said he wished I'd hit him more and taken out more of my pain on him. But how could I when he was nothing but supportive and fantastic?
At 3.35am I pushed out Roberts head. His waters were still in tact and needed to be broken. I felt the gush of water and then the contractions just stopped. And I felt relief. Relief that the physical pain had stopped, relief that I might wake up from this awful nightmare, all the while knowing that no this wasn't the case. Adam was called back in and I remember him telling my husband (there was no point them trying to talk to me at this point) that this often happens when babies are this premature. That there simply isn't enough of them to force my body to push. Little Roberts foot was also caught in my pelvis and so Adam had to reach up to try and free it.
At this point was when Roberts heart stopped and then suddenly there was lots of activity with midwives trying to put lines in, asking each other time and again what blood group I was, Adam saying that I needed to be prepped for surgery unless Robert was born that very second. I was willing to just give up at this point, and I would have if my husband hadn't whispered to me to push because he couldn't lose me to. Somewhere, somehow I found the strength for 3 good pushes and Robert was born asleep at 4am.
My husband cut his cord and the midwife who delivered him, Caroline, wrapped him in a towel and gave him to my husband to place on my chest. He was absolutely perfect. He had my nose and my husbands chin. His little head had a small amount of fuzzy hair. His little fingers and toes were so perfect with perfect little finger nails and toe nails. He even had the start of little eyebrows. We spent the next 8 hours cuddling him, taking pictures with him and singing to him except for when I went for a shower and they took him to wrap in a blanket, put his little hat on, weigh him and take his hand and foot prints for us, and take some pictures as well to put in a memory book for us.
Those are some of the most precious and painful moments of my life. I am so grateful that I have those memories but oh how I wish I had my baby boy to bring home, cuddle, love and watch grow. Words will never be enough to explain how much I love him and miss him.
The days following have been difficult. My bump disappeared almost immediately. This morning, 2 days after Robert was born, my milk came in. I believe nature is somewhat cruel to let my breasts be engorged, painful, heavy and full when there is no baby for me to feed. I feel like my body is showing the signs of my grief to all that know me, but to the outside world I just look like any other woman. I want to shout at the world that I'm grieving. Why are there still political debates, court cases, scientific discoveries etc on the news? Why has the whole world not stood still, only ours?
We are waiting for a number of tests to be completed before we really know what happened, but all the Drs we saw at the hospital suggested the same thing 'Incompetent Cervix'. So my body failed. The name even says so. My body is in some way incompetent and failed my son. It couldn't keep him safe until he was ready to be born.
We have to wait for the postmortem to be finished before we can arrange a funeral. The 3rd time I've arranged a funeral for one of my babies. Life really isn't fair. No one should have to do that once let alone 3 times. I should be shopping to buy things for my sons nursery. Instead I'm shopping for tiny premmie clothes to dress him in for his funeral.
Before this last year both my husband and I considered ourselves Christians. We went to church, were married in a church and fully believed in God. Now we are both angry at God and I am questioning his existence entirely. I'm sorry if that offends anyone but I can't bring myself to pray or even accept that others are praying for us. I don't understand what either me or my husband could have done to deserve this amount of pain. We both try to be good people and my husband certainly is a good person. We've both made mistakes but nothing that deserves this. Maybe in time I will change my mind, but for now I have lost my faith.
Thankyou for reading and I am sorry that we all have to connect through something so awful. RIP all our angels. xx
