Post by polydoly13 on Jan 23, 2013 4:33:55 GMT -5
I don't know what a good subject would be, just trying to find a way out of this hole, make the pain in my chest stop hurting so much.
A little background, I met DH 7 years ago, we just celebrated our 6 yr anniversary. When we met I told him I didn't want any children, he said he was a maybe in that dept but would be fine with not having any. Well time went on and he approached me a couple years ago and shyly mentioned that he might have changed his mind. I really hadn't, I don't feel motherly, I spent alot of time "raising" my parents and I didn't want the responsibility. BUT love makes you do funny things. I lost my job a while back and we've decided to make me a housewife, so I thought if we can change those things then we'll go ahead and have a baby. I knew I would love it once it came, even though I don't think kids are that great. Hope that makes sense.
Anyways we tried and tried for 13 months, to some that's alot of trying, to others it's just the tip of the iceburg, but in the process I lost a longtime friend. (She put way too much pressure on me). So after 13 months of trying, I was late. I didn't really believe it was happening, but I pee'd on my stick and I couldn't even look at it. I made DH look at it. He said it had 2 pink lines, I told him he was lying, we were FREAKING OUT!!!!! I glanced at the stick really quickly and freaked out some more. I told him to put it in the drawer so I didn't have to see it, can you tell I don't handle change/the unknown very well. I finally stuck it in the drawer. We continued to freak out.
I had the normal morning sickness, horrible exhaustion, told 2 close friends, my mom & my sis. My mom proceeded to tell a few friends and that upset me (they weren't my friends, I didn't want something to go wrong and then have to explain and have ppl know about my hurt and I didn't want it getting back to my dad b/c he knows the same ppl as her. I also flipped out cuz she starting leaving messages/sending mail with things written on the envies, what if the mailman had spilled the beans, we live in a small town, etc etc.) So at this point I've lost a friend and feuding with my mom, YEAH!!! But we still have Pedro coming.
No we didn't know if it was a boy or girl and we aren't hispanic, I just used to work with alot of hispanics and DH used to joke that I was having an affair with one of them because I worked more than I was home. It was cute in our weird way.
At this point I started to get excited as much as my exhaustion would let me. I bought some clothes online, we tried to figure out a way to tell his family, make some decisions, fit in Dr appts, etc.
Well 11/15/12 we went for our first appt and the Dr. couldn't find a heartbeat with the little machine so we did an u/s. DH knew right away, he could see that the fetus wasn't big enough and then the Dr turned the screen to show me and she said it was only 6 weeks (should have been 11). I knew that didn't make sense but my mind thought maybe I had calculated wrong...... I read u/s for a living, I knew there wasn't a hb, but my mind wouldn't register it.
We went home in shock to say the least. I don't even remember that timeframe, my mind protecting myself I guess. I do remember the feeling of betrayal (by God), disgust/dirty (I carried a dead baby in me for 6 weeks), betrayal (by my body for not knowing) and prob a myriad of other emotions.
We decided to do a D&C on 11/21, the day before Thanksgiving and 4 days before our anniversary. We were able to bring our baby home in a sweet, handmade box and we held each other and buried it on the hill next to my other babies (4 legged babies, but just as precious to me). We had a small herd of cattle as our attendants and we cried and we cried.
I guess I grieved but was prob more in shock than anything. Now it's 2 months later and I'm a wreck. I didn't know I even wanted a baby, to be a mom. I don't know that I want it now. I don't feel motherly but I hurt so bad it's hard to function at times. I'm so angry I could spit. EVERYDAY I get reminders of this, either the bills rolling in from the D&C or other friends getting pregnant/having babies. WHY ME??? And now I've gotten my cycle back but that's just a reminder.
And to top it all off, this first pregnancy was PERFECT timing. Because of our business and our location there are quite a few months of the year when us expecting a baby, just really doesn't work well. (Please don't criticize me on this, I have TONS of reasons why many months won't work, I will explain if needed, but just take me at my word).
I'm scared to get pregnant again (we aren't using protection), I'm scared to NOT get pregnant again. I'm scared that Mother's day will roll around and I'll lose it, I'm scared that someone else around me will get pregnant and I'll lose it. I'm so angry at God that I don't know if there's a way back. I'm scared that if I don't quit writing, I'll never stop and it's 3:30 AM, I should try and get some sleep.
If you read this thank you, if it was too long, I understand. I'm hoping it helps to just get it out there.
A little background, I met DH 7 years ago, we just celebrated our 6 yr anniversary. When we met I told him I didn't want any children, he said he was a maybe in that dept but would be fine with not having any. Well time went on and he approached me a couple years ago and shyly mentioned that he might have changed his mind. I really hadn't, I don't feel motherly, I spent alot of time "raising" my parents and I didn't want the responsibility. BUT love makes you do funny things. I lost my job a while back and we've decided to make me a housewife, so I thought if we can change those things then we'll go ahead and have a baby. I knew I would love it once it came, even though I don't think kids are that great. Hope that makes sense.
Anyways we tried and tried for 13 months, to some that's alot of trying, to others it's just the tip of the iceburg, but in the process I lost a longtime friend. (She put way too much pressure on me). So after 13 months of trying, I was late. I didn't really believe it was happening, but I pee'd on my stick and I couldn't even look at it. I made DH look at it. He said it had 2 pink lines, I told him he was lying, we were FREAKING OUT!!!!! I glanced at the stick really quickly and freaked out some more. I told him to put it in the drawer so I didn't have to see it, can you tell I don't handle change/the unknown very well. I finally stuck it in the drawer. We continued to freak out.
I had the normal morning sickness, horrible exhaustion, told 2 close friends, my mom & my sis. My mom proceeded to tell a few friends and that upset me (they weren't my friends, I didn't want something to go wrong and then have to explain and have ppl know about my hurt and I didn't want it getting back to my dad b/c he knows the same ppl as her. I also flipped out cuz she starting leaving messages/sending mail with things written on the envies, what if the mailman had spilled the beans, we live in a small town, etc etc.) So at this point I've lost a friend and feuding with my mom, YEAH!!! But we still have Pedro coming.
No we didn't know if it was a boy or girl and we aren't hispanic, I just used to work with alot of hispanics and DH used to joke that I was having an affair with one of them because I worked more than I was home. It was cute in our weird way.
At this point I started to get excited as much as my exhaustion would let me. I bought some clothes online, we tried to figure out a way to tell his family, make some decisions, fit in Dr appts, etc.
Well 11/15/12 we went for our first appt and the Dr. couldn't find a heartbeat with the little machine so we did an u/s. DH knew right away, he could see that the fetus wasn't big enough and then the Dr turned the screen to show me and she said it was only 6 weeks (should have been 11). I knew that didn't make sense but my mind thought maybe I had calculated wrong...... I read u/s for a living, I knew there wasn't a hb, but my mind wouldn't register it.
We went home in shock to say the least. I don't even remember that timeframe, my mind protecting myself I guess. I do remember the feeling of betrayal (by God), disgust/dirty (I carried a dead baby in me for 6 weeks), betrayal (by my body for not knowing) and prob a myriad of other emotions.
We decided to do a D&C on 11/21, the day before Thanksgiving and 4 days before our anniversary. We were able to bring our baby home in a sweet, handmade box and we held each other and buried it on the hill next to my other babies (4 legged babies, but just as precious to me). We had a small herd of cattle as our attendants and we cried and we cried.
I guess I grieved but was prob more in shock than anything. Now it's 2 months later and I'm a wreck. I didn't know I even wanted a baby, to be a mom. I don't know that I want it now. I don't feel motherly but I hurt so bad it's hard to function at times. I'm so angry I could spit. EVERYDAY I get reminders of this, either the bills rolling in from the D&C or other friends getting pregnant/having babies. WHY ME??? And now I've gotten my cycle back but that's just a reminder.
And to top it all off, this first pregnancy was PERFECT timing. Because of our business and our location there are quite a few months of the year when us expecting a baby, just really doesn't work well. (Please don't criticize me on this, I have TONS of reasons why many months won't work, I will explain if needed, but just take me at my word).
I'm scared to get pregnant again (we aren't using protection), I'm scared to NOT get pregnant again. I'm scared that Mother's day will roll around and I'll lose it, I'm scared that someone else around me will get pregnant and I'll lose it. I'm so angry at God that I don't know if there's a way back. I'm scared that if I don't quit writing, I'll never stop and it's 3:30 AM, I should try and get some sleep.
If you read this thank you, if it was too long, I understand. I'm hoping it helps to just get it out there.
