Going in for d & e tomorrow :(

[heatherb33]

After several hours of trying to make the hard choice of delivering my baby only measuring 13w2d and suppose to be 15w4d or having a d & e hubby and I couldn't decide. He was at work all day and just couldn't make the decision. I kinda felt the need for delivery instead of how they do the painful d & e (thought of) but at the same time my husband said it would probably be too hard to go through a delivery like that for both of us so I'm heartbroken either way. I have been through 4 other losses with 2 d & c's in the past and always felt terrible afterward. I really am still in shock that my baby went from being perfect til now. I thought it was the SCH resolving ( which was gone now weird) but baby had no hb. Only had some spotting with minimal bleeding and cramping but nothing too much. I was also said that I had to go find out all by myself. Made it so hard. I have 5 kids but it doesn't matter each baby is a blessing and sometimes I feel like people don't understand. Hoping I made the right choice and that they r able to find out what happened to end my sweet baby's life at over 3 suppose to be 4 months I know tomorrow will be so hard as I go for another u/s per my request to make sure then to hospital shortly after

[heatherb33]

And I can't quit crying and I don't wanna talk to anyone I just feel so broken I feel like I was forced to hurry up and make a decision and we just couldn't so we just decided the d & e

[Kayt]

Heather, I'm so sorry *hugs*.

[heatherb33]

So afterwards I am a wreck because dr said before procedure that most likely I wouldn't find out an answer/ gender or anything. And I asked about creation he said babies under 20 weeks can't be cremated! In Michigan. why? I wish I would've stopped then and there instead of having procedure done.

[babyflewaway]

dear heather,

i'm so sorry for your loss. i totally understand what you're saying about no one understanding how you feel, that's how i feel too. i lost my baby three weeks ago today; he was six weeks and five days old. (i say he because i always thought i just knew). but a lot of my friends are like, it would have been hard to have a kid right now so that was the best way for things to end, and i keep thinking, no, it's not. my baby died. why won't you understand that i have a child and now he's dead, and treat it like that, because that's how it feels.

it's hard to not know an answer/gender. i knew it was too early to know a gender but like i said i just always had this really strong feeling he was a boy, so i went with it. as for an answer...that's hard. i haven't gotten one and i won't. but i don't know that there's one that would satisfy me. i understand that having four losses you might feel more of a quest than i do for an answer, as this was my first pregnancy. but i still wish i knew, so i can't imagine how you must feel.

i feel the same anger about losing my baby's remains (such as they were at six weeks). they can tell me he was nothing but i saw even just those white bits, i saw him. the counseling people who are helping me are just angry that my doctor didn't take me seriously enough to send me to a hospital, so i miscarried at home, because since i was assaulted my baby would be forensic evidence. forensic evidence? are they insane? he was my baby.

like i said above, i've been really badly treated by doctors, so i understand some of how you must feel. there's no logic to the idea that your baby can't be cremated. that's ridiculous. and you should have been told so you could make your own decision. i'm so sorry.

it's been three weeks today for me since i lost my little jonah (i had to name him) and i still cry at night a lot, but some nights i don't. i think what helps me keep going are maybe certain quotes and certain songs that i keep in my mind, but most of all that i think of him up there in heaven. i don't know what your religious beliefs are and whatever they are, that's fine, but for me my baby's a soul that continues to exist. so i get motivation from trying to live a life that'll make him proud of me when he's looking down. a life that'll make him want to point down at me and tell all the other babies in heaven, that's my mama.

i understand it's really hard to talk about this with people who've never been through it, because whenever i try, it's a miserable failure. this board has been really helpful to me. if you ever want to message me i'd be happy to talk.

i'm so sorry this happened. and i can't understand how painful it must be after so many losses. one was enough to break me, so i can't imagine how strong you must be. i have a lot of respect for you. but it helps me, at least, to remember that my baby's not gone, not really. he's just not in this world right now. and someday, if i live a good life and i treat people right, i'll get to meet him. and i think the same is true for you and all of your babies. i don't know if that brings you any comfort but it helps me to think about it, so i'm offering it up.

lots of love and xoxoxo

[heatherb33]

Well I am getting baby picked up by funeral home tomorrow and cremated. The dr lied. I am also getting testing done just not sure all that is being done but finding out tomorrow. At least I can bring some of him/her home and hopefully I can find out gender.

[lauren&k&p&a&j&b's mom]

Heather, I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss. The part about being able to have your baby cremated is good news. I wanted to share this link in case it might be helpful to you at this time:
www.inthelighturns.com/children-urns.html

Sending many ((HUGS)) and wishing I could do so much more.

[justlostanangel]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} My heart aches for you & your sweet baby gone too soon....please remember that we're here for you!

[triangelmom]

Heather,
My heart aches for you and the loss you have suffered and now grieve. Please surround yourself with people who understand and validate your loss and your grief and do continue to come here to the SG boards for support.
Wishing you only happiness ahead,
Hannah

[babyflewaway]

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain, but I'm so glad for you that the cremation is happening. I hope it brings you some peace. Remember, I'm always here to talk. Hugs.

[heatherb33]

Well went for my 2 week check up. Dr was insensitive i think. It went terrible. Pathology report showed nothing abnormal just from looking at things. I am still waiting for chromosomal testing to come back in another 2 weeks. Dr ordered a bunch of bw but dh thinks we are done so might not have it done.



Still very hard to deal with the loss. I have my baby's cremains. I am still waiting til we have extra money to get a small urn/ necklace.

At least i have something of my babys. I just wish the dr's in that office were more sensitive to these issues. They act like my baby was nothing since so small.

[justlostanangel]

So sorry to hear that the office staff was insensitive! Far too many people think "products of conception" aren't babies.....just because they're small doesn't mean they're not people! I'm glad you were able to get your baby's cremains. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}