I question my sanity

[jezebel]

you say all that I am going through is normal but I have a new house and the closer we gt to moving in the house the more I am being sad. it was a awful event to happen that brought me able to do this but why am I not happy my son would be and he would want me to be but it just ain't there so much of my personality has left me I have some of my humor but my husband see it to. I can't help the What I feel and more time then I can count I don't give the feelings most thing I would have. Is it depression I can't say I would think if it was depression I would be moping around and I am not rally moping so what is it. I want my son to be live but as he was before the fire not after it he would have to endure skin graphs It would of tore me up him having this done not to mention my son I don't know if he could take it to do that it is not easy and it has a lot of pain involved'

I have tried to be more like my son more giving and try to not be such a bugger and not let things get to me, It is hard. I have dreamed of David and was able t talk to him but nothing of how it was with the fire. I don't dream of him in the fire I am glad I don't but when my father was in the hospital and they said he was going to live they also told us that sometimes they will relive the event I think it was better that dad died it was enough to have to tell him David was gone but to have him relive this awful event and relive David was gone NO ONE should have to have this for the rest of their lives dad was 87 and we have no clue how much longer he had but even so if it was one day I wouldn't of wanted him to relive it.

How can anyone get through this I have a neighbor who asked how I am doing this with the knowledge of my son and father gone I told her I don't know the days past and the sun raise and sets as does the moon come out every night when it is to but to live through this I to wonder how do we do this is it the will to do so it is that we have no other way of handling things and why don't people who has had this awful event just shut down forever. I don't know I reckon some do a lady at the bank said she thought I was very strong in what way I don't understand this that I am not crying all the time that I can speak of what happened I don't get it is it she doesn't understand and will most likely never understand. I like to know the percent of what are the odds of someone dying in a fire 1 in a billion is it like being struck by lighting

I know I know I am babbling thanks for listening to be babble

Rhayden

[judiann]

((((((Hugs))))))

I'm so sorry to take so long to reply.....tons of excuses but none that matter.
It's just awfully hard to relive your pain....

When "we" say it's "Normal" for you to feel this way....NO, it's Not!
It's just common ground that We find....a NEW Normal for Us...the ones that have lost a child.
NOTHING about the death of Our Child will ever be normal.... it's just what we live.

Depression is almost something you don't notice until your into the depths of it....Again "normal" for what you've been thru

I want to respond more but, for now....I urge you to go back & read Our older posts.

My son died in late March '04....I found SG in May & read Everything before my 1st post, 6 months later....

Please...take your dreams of David for what they are...ask No questions about his death. He dosen't remember & you don't really need to know.....do you??

Babble away, Sweet One....it's what We do best in the 1st days, months, years....

I promise to help you as much as I'm capable of....my birthday is coming soon...my only Son was my birthday present .. best day of my life.

This is a hard road.....

((((((hugs)))))))
judiann

[jezebel]

I just wanted to know if he went how they said he did and didn't suffer. We all want this for our loved ones but in my case so awful a event I like to hear him say it. It is kinda like when the mrtain found his tattoo we were sure it was him crazy as I may sound sometimes we were sure it was him. The mind plays tricks or tried convince you what you know is so might not be that is why I say we had the right person.
I don't think any of us thought the wrong person we were burying and if I would of had my choice my life for his and parent would do this for their child I think, I also am glad I didn't have a premonition on this. I think it should of been me not my son that should of died I guess in a sense a piece of me did die that day and how ever I could of handled this even no boggles the mind.
My dying day when even it may be I hope they give a k to give the dying a shot to let them go as we do with animals so they don't suffer but cause if there is if I am not to get better and suffering I could take the shot and be as David is free of my earthy body and at peace .

thanks for listening to my babbling

Rhayden

[Clara Hinton]

Rhayden,

I think every mother (and father) who has gone through the horrible pain of child loss has questioned his or her sanity at some time. It really does feel like we're going crazy. To others we look like we're holding it together, but often inside we're falling apart and we don't even have the strength to know how to begin to get put back together again enough to function.

Depression is quite tricky, too, when child loss is involved. It sneaks up on us and masks itself. Please talk often with others, and with your doctor and let your feelings out.

When we lose a child we have a million and one doubts and even more questions. We want answers, but all-too-often there are none and that just makes us more anxious and worried in our journey through grief.

My many thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep reminding yourself that this is a journey -- and all journeys take a long time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Clara