Confession: how my loss has changed me

[katsmom]

Brownie points to anyone who makes it though this...Sorry, its a novel. Just getting it out of my mind.

It's been 8 years since I stumbled upon SG in my desperate search for an answer to all the WHYs surrounding the stillbirth of my baby girl. Why did this happen to me? Why didnt I know something was wrong? Wy didnt the doctor do something? why? why? why?

I've yet to find the answer to those questions.

My life has changed in so many ways since that cold October day in 2004 when I heard the words "I'm sorry, but you're baby no longer has a heartbeat" ... At that moment, My entire life changed. I have a lot of pessimistic thoughts that I keep to myself. Even now. 8 Years later, I still have these private thoughts that I know are directly related to my loss. As horrible as they may sound, I'm going to post them here. If there's a chance that anyone else in the world understands how and why I could feel this way, its someone who has experienced the loss of a child. Please dont judge me. I just want to air my dirty laundry. I know these are irrational, but here goes...

My confessions:

1. I get so frustrated with women who are blissfully pregnant without a care in the world. I was a nervous wreck throughout my subsequent pregnancies. My loss has taken away any chance that I might just sit back and enjoy the ride. I secretly want to inform them of everything that could possbily go wrong. I feel the need to let them know that at no point in this pregnancy are you home free or safe. not at 12 weeks, not 20, not 35, not 41 weeks... anything could happen at ANY moment!

2. Four months after my loss, a friend of my mother had lost her infant grandson to SIDS. While my heart broke for the family, I was also so envious that they at least had 6 months with little Cory. I was overly self absorbed to even consider what they were experiencing. I was consumed with my own grief. I only had 2 hours with my baby girl before I had to turn her over. I never got to see her open her eyes, hear her cry, see her chest rise and fall with a single breath. What I would have given for 6 months with her... 6 days... 6 hours... I cant even imagine what they went through, but at the time I was in a place where I could only see me. I was stuck in my own self-pity so deeply I couldnt feel for anyone else.

3. I still have a constant fear that something will happen to my living children. I've played over in my mind 100s of times how I will survive the loss of one of these precious children. How will I go on? Could I go on? Its almost like a self protection exercise in the event something does happen. I was so blindsided by my stillbirth. I had never even considered any outsome other than a healthy baby in my arms. I couldnt react to the situation. I wasnt prepared. Logically, I know that NOTHING could have ever prepared me for that... But I've lived the last 8 years in an "expect the worst, hope for the best" mode. I feel that I have more than I deserve... And at times I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that the universe will catch up with me and realize I have more than I should, and take it away from me.

4. I look at infants as miracles. They truely are. With all that can go wrong, its amazing that any baby makes it to birth. But even then, you arent safe. There were 3 infants in our family in the past 6 months. As i held these precious newborns for the first time, I find myself trying to memorize that moment. The reason is because I feel as though ANYTHING could happen. Their lives are so fragile. I'm so scared these little ones will not make it. I want to remember any bit of time I have with them in this life. I would never say it out loud to the parents, that I fear their baby wont survive. And statistically these babies will have long healthy lives, but it runs through my head... its not right, but I'm scarred. I know first hand that there arent always happy endings for all.

5. 3 years ago, a mother at out daycare lost her second son to stillbirth. I remember the daycare director explaining the reson the that Robbie's invitation to my sons birthday party was still in his cubby. He had been spending the past 2 weeks at home with his mom because she has lost the baby. My heart BLED for her. I wanted to reach out and tell her "You are not alone" That I was TRUELY sorry for her loss. I wanted to tell her I know... I understand... I get it... I've lived it. I searched online for a keepsake I could purchace her to acknowledge that her baby was real. to acknowledge her loss, her pain. I practice in my head what I would say to her when I saw her next. And when I saw her on the elevator a few weeks later, I did the worst thing anyone could ever do... I said NOTHING. Not an "I'm sorry", not an "I understand", NOTHING. I chocked. I know from my own experience that acknowledging the loss is the kindest thing you can do for someone who has gone through this. It doesnt tear open the wound, as most think it will. However, saying nothing is the most painful. I never made the purchace. I never told her I was there. That I understood. When my youngest left daycare to start kindergarten, I saw her our last week carrying her newborn into the daycare to drop off her older son. I got into my car and cried a mix of tears or both joy and regret. I was so sorry I wasnt there for her when she needed it. Not that she expected me to be, but I should have reached out. She needed someone to understand. I could have been there.... and tears of joy. Thank God for giving her the gift of this rainbow baby and allowing him to arrive safe and sound.

6. I'm embarassed that I lost a baby. I feel like a failure. I feel like I lost. I couldnt do it. I tried and failed. I'm defective. I dont like to tell people that I've experienced this. I dont like to get into it publicly. I hate recounting the details of it all. I hate that it happened. I felt as though my husband looked at me a faulty until I was able to produce a healthy child. (this wasnt the case at all, but you couldnt convince my grieving mind of that) None of those feelings are true. I know they arent. But my heart and my brain dont always see eye-to-eye. I'm embarassed that I'm not "over it". Outwardly I am. I can honestly say I'm at peace with it. I'm well into acceptance and for the most part the wound is scarred over... but its not gone. I dont think it ever will be.

I'm sure no one is reading at this point, so I will stop. Thank you for letting me get this out of my brain.

[Kayt]

I read every word and have to say you're not alone. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this tragedy.

I can't relate to all of what you're going through as it's still very raw for me (it's only been two months as of tomorrow) but I have a lot of the same feelings you do.

1. It hurts me when I see pregnant women. I can't help but feel it's not fair they get to be so carefree and I get to feel so empty. It angers me a lot more when I see pregnant woman who have a blatant disregard for the life they're growing inside them.

2. I wish I could have known my son, but at the same instant I feel like it would have been so much harder to say goodbye. I got to look into his eyes only once, but at that point he was already gone. I held him for hours after I had him and didn't want to ever let him go.

3. I'm also full of fear now. I was always a little paranoid but now it's in over drive. Every time my husband leaves for work I feel like something horrible is going to happen to him. I'm so scared to try again as I'm afraid that the same thing will happen again and I'll be forced to bare another loss. I also feel like it's my fault it happened because life had finally started to go our way. Any time I get really excited about something it feels as if I have the rug pulled out from me every time.

4. Seeing new babies hurts so much. I told my friends what happened to me (a few who are currently pregnant) and I'm fairly certain I made them all paranoid as well. It wasn't my intention and I now feel like I've robbed them of the chance of that carefree feeling...which makes me feel like complete garbage.

5. I've wanted nothing more than for my friends to reach out to me, though most seem to act as if I have the plague now and avoid talking to me because they're not sure what to say. For me personally though, the only people I was comfortable with reaching out to me that I didn't personally know where the medical staff at the hospital where I gave birth.

6. I have that same feeling of failure. I know it wasn't my fault even though we were having a couple of complications (non of which where the cause of our loss). I know in my head that it wasn't my fault, but my heart won't let me stop feeling so terribly. I feel like it was my job to protect my son and I failed him.


You're not alone. I think a lot, if not all of us, feel that way at least some times. I don't think we ever really get over it, we just learn how to continue on.

[marianne]

I think you are doing well and there's nothing you can do when you mind thinks things you wish it wouldnt.
I think its a sad thing that women dont get to talk as much as we used to about everyday things; sure life was boring when the only thing you had to look forward to was a day in the feild picking wheat or what ever thousands of years ago, but you would also know about miscarriage and still born etc from a lot of sources instead of it just happening and then finding out later its so common.
When i lost my baby i instantly could think of lots of people who had been through the same thing. in fact, i reacted out of script by aunt had accidently given me when she had a loss. that script meant I didnt let the doctors send me home to come back at 7.30 am next day for a d&c because it was convenient for them, something that i'm pretty sure I would have done if my aunt hadnt complained about that and warned me.
So, in alot of way I think what you have done here, saying what you need to say, should be perfectly normal and easy over a camp fire etc, but thanks to our more isolated life isnt as easy as it should be. So you've done the right thing telling us, because, honestly , we've all been there and you are not alone.

[lacysmom]

Thank you for your honesty! I feel so many of the same things you do. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday she would have been 7 and it hurts no less today than it did then only difference is I cry less in public. Yesterday was her as I say death day and I keep replaying it all in my mind! The 30 hrs of labor waiting to wake up from the nightmare! Here I am 7 yrs later and I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me!!!! But reading everyone's posts makes me feel like I'm not alone or crazy. So question this sound crazy but I swear I have been feeling her kick the past two days and I find myself holding my belly has anyone else felt this, this many years later or am I nuts? Enough rambling thanks for posting and listening to me.