getting back on the horse?

[katsmom]

i was a part of SG years ago, and recently found my way back. even if no one reads this, i find it theraputic to get it out in text form. sorry, i tend to ramble. long story short, after a devastating stillbirth, i was blessed with two beautiful boys. my youngest is now 5 yrs old. my hubby has a great desire for another child...and in a hurry. I'm not sure what had motivated this sudden change in him and as much as i love the idea, it scares me to death. I'm petrified of another loss. i suffered a mc shortly after my youngest arrived. at the time i felt guilty for even trying for a #3. i felt God was humbling me by striking down my enthusiasm as if to say who do you think you are? so far, i have a 50% success rate in this pregnancy thing. but sometimes i feel that's too much of a gamble. i dont know if my psyche can't handle those odds. i feel unbelievably blessed to have a 13 yr old step daughter I've raised as my own since she was 3, along with my two little men. i still wonder sometimes how i got so lucky. luck. is it just luck? am i pushing my luck wanting another child? should i just be content with the blessings I've been given, or do i chance it and see what happens? i feel like I'm seeing myself up for failure. i know loss isn't a failure, but it sure feels like it when it happens to you. its been 5years since we've even tried. am i ready for another trip on the ttc rollercoaster?

[Kayt]

Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck

I'm so very sorry for the losses you have suffered, but I'm also inspired by the fact that you are the mother to what sounds like such a beautiful family.

I know how you feel about the being afraid to conceive thing. I'm terrified to try again after losing my son, he was also our first and was stillborn. But all I can do is hope for the best and let life give me what I'm destined for.

[marianne]

Its totally up to you if you think your heart can take it- the pay off is so great, for me in my heart I knew I was willing to take that chance and that's how I got little James when I was 43 after a loss.
Just to motivate you further he is a little blond, blued eye bundle of joy which is soooo funny because both my DH and I are of mediterean extraction so what the?
Many times I look at him and think- ohhh look at that cute baby - oh hang on - he's MINE !!

[Kayt]

Awww that's awesome. He sounds like such a cutie.

I do know that we're going to try again. I'm just trying to get myself into better shape at the moment. To me it's not an option to not be a mom. My husband and I both decided that if for some terrible reason next time (or possible the time after) doesn't work out for us that we will adopt. That way we'll still get to be parents I think he's going to make an awesome dad and I've only ever wanted to be a mom.

I really miss that pregnant feeling though. I've never felt so important, and so beautiful. I know that's kind of vein of me, but I just felt so special carrying my little miracle inside me.

[katsmom]

I love the idea of adoption! In fact, we have discussed it many times before. my husband wants another biological child, but I'm struggling with just the thought of it. I can completely relate to the special and important feeling of being pregnant... i really miss having that feeling from my first pregnancy, but that little sparkle was lacking with my next two. i was some what in a state if denial. almost like i didn't wasn't to let myself get my hopes up too much. ..just incase. this will be our third official month ttc, abs i feel more like just letting him try. i would love another child, but me husband is the one actively ttc while in the one dreading the fear and constant anxiety that will come with the bfp. ugh! the bliss has been removed from me. I'm to much of a nervous wreck.
i would love so much to adopt and hope that someday we can. i love being a mother. I've been a step mom for almost 11years ( only mom she has.. .long story) and i my daughter just as much as my boys. family its who you live and love with, not whom your born of. i wish i could get hubby to jump on board and look at it add a serious option. but who knows, maybe I'll be looking back in all this in a year and two wondering what i was so afraid of... only time will tell!

[Kayt]

I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens.

[justlostanangel]

It is NOT vain to want to be a mom! Pregnancy can be such a wonderful, magical time; participating in a miracle! I hope that you get a BFP soon; you sound like a GREAT mom! Good luck to you!