I've been gone for a long time...

[katsmom]

I used to come to SG often a few years back. At one point in time it hung on every post just to make or though the day after my stillbirth in 2004. I made it through two subsequent pregnancies on these boards, but became a victim of identity theft in 2007 which caused me to greatly limit my online usage.I trailed off from these boards. Occasionally lurking, especially as anniversaries neared...eventually not at all.. but today I'm back.

Ive scanned for familiar screen names, but only 1 or 2 ring a bell. Possibly those members have moved on it the sn changed, or perhaps my memory fails me. Probably the latter, add I couldn't remember my own sn for anything. I just created a new one.

I don't know why I'm back today. I think it has something to do with my husbands wants to have another child. I think that no matter how long its been since my still birth, I'm still scarred and view pregnancy as an emotional painful, anxiety riddled time. At least for me. I know its not like that for mostly everyone else. I lost my first pregnancy and was completely blindsided by it. I gave birth to two healthy children in the 3 years following, but what my doctor would classify as ready uneventful pregnancies were emotionally trying for me. I was convinced each time that the baby would die, that it was only a matter of time.. . Those babies are 7 & 5 years olds today, and I still live in constant worry that something out of my control will happen and I will lose them.

I dont dwell on my stillbirth any longer. At least not consciously. I used to take off work on Oct 29 (angel day ) because I couldn't bare to do anything but wallow in my own grief alone. Three years ago, I stopped taking the day off and treating it like any other. This past year, I missed it all together. Not until mid November did it occur to me that it had been 8 years... wow. ..8 years....

8 years. ..Yet I'm still here. I'm alive. My health is well. I'm a mommy to a terrific 13year old (step-technically) daughter, and 7&5 yr old sons. A fantastic husband.... I'm in a ple acin my life where I am truly happy and I count my blessings everyday. A place that I could imagine add little as 5 years ago. When I made my first post following my loss, I couldn't fathom bring at place where my stillbirth didn't rule my life. Now, I hardly think about it. Instead of yelling my detailed story, I only mention I'm mommy to aN angel in rare circumstances when its relevant to the conversation...

OK, I'm just rambling now . Not even sure what my point its. But I'm hoping I'm welcome back .

[Kayt]

Your post actually has really helped. I'm so very sorry that you ever had to suffer such a loss. I lost my son at 32 weeks gestation this past November and have felt completely devastated by it. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm "so strong" for handling it so well...But I certainly don't feel strong and I feel crushed. I had never been pregnant before, and even though we were having complications from the get go I was still blissful and excited. I never fathomed that it would end in a tragedy. When my son was born it was almost overwhelming. I didn't know that it was possible to feel so much love yet hurt so bad at the same time.

I know it must be hard for you still, I know that I'm not completely paranoid to become pregnant again myself, but to hear a story of someone who went on to have two healthy babies following a loss has really helped. I'm so scared that when I become pregnant again that I will have to endure the same heartache as before. Being a mother and having a happy family is all I've really wanted in life. I come from a broken home and we had a pretty hard time growing up so I've just wanted what I feel like I missed out on as a child. To be the mother of an angel and not have someone in my arms to care for is probably the hardest part of it all. I feel like I failed him because it was my job to keep him safe.

I'm trying to be hopeful for the future but it's hard. Your story has made it a little less so though. And for that, I thank you.

[katsmom]

Katy, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for your loss. I'm glad that my post could give you a little hope in a time went its hard trio see past the day. Although I didn't believe it for a long time, it does get better. However, i cant say when. I don't know that it's ever truly"better" and so far, I've yet to be "over it"... i don't think you ever get over it. But at some punt out doesn't dictate ever fiber of your being. I'm not sure when out happened for new, but please trust it does happen. The fog clears a little at a time and eventually the don congress out again. All in time, but you have to all yourself that. Time. Allow yourself to grieve.
I found so much support on these boards. No one really understands what you are going for, except the people here. I had great support then and i hope i can provide some to others now. Take care sweety. You're not alone.

[katsmom]

I cannot type on this tablet. The autocorrect is killing me. Please excuse the crazy type-o's

[Kayt]

Thank you so much. And no worries about the typos, I'm like that on my phone so I completely understand.

My husband and I have decided that no matter what the future brings, our Alex will always be a part of our life. Any future children we have (though we only planned on having one, we know we want a baby in our arms) will know about their older brother.

I wish this sort of thing never happened. It's such a terrible thing. I'm filled with what if's that I know really don't help. I wish so much that the doctors had intervened when they found out my baby wasn't developing fast enough and that the placenta had stopped functioning properly. I don't blame them, but I wish they would have. The doctor that told us wasn't our regular doctor and we were honestly pretty shocked since our regular doctor hadn't said a word about it when it was very obvious on the last ultrasound. I just hope that next time I can find a doctor that cares and isn't just in it for the pay check. I can't even go to the doctor who told us since she was just as far along as I was and will be on maternity leave now (She also ended up being the one to induce me and she looked like she was about to cry).

[dawn]

Welcome back Katsmom. I'm trying to place who you are without your other screen name. (((hugs)))) The boards don't move as fast as they used to, but there are a few of us here from a few years ago and others that check in from time to time.

No matter how much time has elapsed, we still remember. Though the grief may not be as raw, there's always that place where our naivete of "how it should go" has been stolen.

Blessings and prayers as you embark on this ttc journey once again.