hating the video player in my head.

[aussiedad]

so once again, the video tape in my head has started playing again. GOD i hate this.
Over the last week, i have found unexpected tears and rage in my eyes and heart. Then NYE, and my mind starts flashing back. its been 7 f**k**g years, and i can still recall the events. ME??, who can barely remember what happen 10 minutes ago.
this night, everyone was staying at my holiday unit, i went to bed early, as i wanted to leave early the next morning for the 12 hour drive home.
I woke up at 4am on the 2.1.06, loaded up the car, shoved the sleeping kids in the car and we left at 6. we stopped at byron bay at 8.30 and had breakfast on the beach.
the kids wanted to swim, but we told them they could just play at the edge. and yet they still managed to get their clothes wet ... the car played up, kept overheating, so we had to make frequent stops. the kids were great, we were singing, playing games.
we should have been home by 6pm but at 8.30pm, we were still 3 hours away. got the kids pizza to eat in the car(even now when i go back to the accident site there is still bits and pieces of the trip in the bushland ) . even though Zacs official death was the 3/1/06, it was at 1.30am, so really i consider the 2nd to be the day i lost him.

I wish i could turn it off. my wife tries to keep me busy, and mostly it works. but even tonight, she took me to see the hobbit,, and then WHAM halfway through the movie, on goes the tape. its so intrusive.
Tommorow, i hope to finally get the tattoo that ive always wanted to get. it will be my first and only tattoo and it will be a wrist band with zac's name and DOB, my 2 stillborn nephews and Zac's best mate who was killed in a car accident last april.

just ranting, :-)

[joan]

(((((((((Hugs))))))) - not much more I can offer. Flashbacks are hard

[jezebel]

tyeah mine play the day all it happened the things that went on the friend that si not a friend and I think he shoud of got a hod of me by now if he was out there I run through when I wa told and relive it in a sense. The bewildrment to sorrow why would his life end so soon I am ot mad at the gods or goddess but you can't wonder why you child is taken when there are plenty to take your childs plpace that needs his her life to end (I mean the murders on death row) I have a few more tears but I hardly cry but it IS in my future as it will be for all of us one day.

I am so sorry for your loss I would in a heart beat take your sorrow and bear it if I could so you would not be sad.


Rhayden

[Clara Hinton]

Flashbacks are horrible! I think we all have them, and sometimes they appear for no apparent reason -- maybe a subconscious trigger that comes along and suddenly -- there we are -- back to the scene!!!! Right back to horrible, tragic moment!

I know it's been several years now for you, but it's not uncommon for flashbacks to happen. If, at some point, the flashbacks are MORE frequent, I would definitely seek the attention of a grief counselor just to give you some coping skills for how to manage the flashbacks.

My heart hurts with you. Losing a child is the worst pain we will ever know.

Sincerely,
Clara Hinton

[judiann]

((((((hugs))))))

sorry to be late but....((((((hugs)))))) & Much Love.

the video never seems to stop....maybe a short intermission?? here & there....a reprieve of sorts, at times, only to let us catch a breath or so, before the next "cycle" begins....& it always does.

the 7th year seemed to be just Brutal for me....not sure why, just a life time in so long a time.....where did 7 years go?? I never saw them move so fast....

there will be a day that the video will not come so often, not hit you so hard.....take that back.
it will always hit hard but...a softer hard?? I can't imagine watching my child die...I'm so lost here.

All I got is (((((((hugs))))))))....

Love,
judiann

P.S. I've never said how my son died....but I see his "death" scene played over & over again daily on tv...sure hasn't helped my "healing process" much

[Teeny's Mom]

The "video" that plays is so awful. I see it, myself at strange times and it is so real and painful. I hate reliving her passing and trying to piece together in my mind the parts I wasn't there for. I am so sorry that you have to relive this too. I do think about you often, when my own tape plays. sorry.

[jezebel]

I don't mean not disrespect here but I rather having this to happen to me to replay and reply the events as they happened then to have my father have this happen the people at the hospital at fist told us dad would live and have many years but if he did they told us sometimes they replay this and all that happened to them and I would hate to have dad replay this awful event for how every he lives telling him David was gone we know his life would not go much longer since David wasn't there. Or David being in the fire and having this replay him in the fire and dad not being here he could cope much better but it was so bad the fire and having David go through skin graphs . So it is better where they are now and I don't have many replays going in my head lately I have since we have the new house I imagine him coming in and saying "HI ME me"

I am sorry for all who have to endure this I would gladly take this from you if I could.

Rhayden