Broken hearted and feeling empty

[Kayt]

I never thought I could hurt so much or feel so much love and so much pain at the same time.

On November 12, 2012 I gave birth to my son Alexander. He was stillborn. He passed either late November 9th or early November 10th while I was asleep. I woke up the morning of the 10th and thought it strange that Alex didn't wake up with me like he usually did. I figured he was probably just having a lazy day so I had breakfast to wake us both up as that usually made him kick like crazy. Half an hour after I ate I started to feel uneasy as he still hadn't given me his good morning kick. I then decided to lay down and try and count any movement with no distractions. I laid their for an hour and once I realized how much time had passed and that I had felt nothing I began to cry and beg the universe to not make me have to say goodbye. I went numb but couldn't stop from randomly crying. I knew something was wrong so I called the labor and delivery room at our local hospital. They sounded a bit worried and asked me to come in so I called my husband and he came to pick me up and took me to the hospital. They took me into a room and the nurse tried to find his heart beat. When we couldn't hear anything on the monitor I began to tense up. They did an ultrasound for about 15 minutes before the doctor turned to me and told me my baby had died. I've never felt so much pain in my life. It was as if someone had stabbed me through the heart and then kicked me down.

I had had an ultrasound two days before my Alexander passed away. The doctor hadn't liked what she saw on my ultrasound from two weeks prior (she wasn't my regular ob, my regular ob I guess had decided that I didn't need to know that anything was wrong.) so she decided to do another. That's when we found out he was under sized (measure at about 28 weeks when I was four days away from 32 weeks) and that the placenta also wasn't function at 100%. But she told us he seemed strong and we could see him practice breathing which she said was a good sign. She then told me that in my belly was the safest place for him but that I should take it easy but I was still allowed to work. That same doctor ended up having to induce my labor three days later.

When I gave birth to him, my heart melted. He was perfect. He looked so much like his daddy that I couldn't help but cry. I held him for hours. He looked like he could be sleeping and I wished so badly that he would just open his eyes and let out a cry. It was heart breaking to see that some of his skin had come off in places...I really wish they would have warned me about that. I didn't know it was possible to feel so happy, and feel so much love and to feel so much sorrow all at the same time. I'm glad I got to spend the brief amount of time with him that I did, both inside the womb and out but I wish so much that we could have had a happy ending like so many others. It seem so unfair.

I had had complications throughout my pregnancy with Alexander. I suffered from hypertension and gestational diabetes as well as random bleeding but in the end it was a cord accident that took my baby from me. I still feel angry with my doctors (I was passed around to about 7 different doctors) and the dietitian. Less than a day after I had to say goodbye to my son the dietitian who had been in charge of me came in to try and comfort me but all she did was justify herself and make me feel as if it was all my fault that my son had passed away. I just want somebody to scream at and I don't feel like myself at all.

I feel as if my body failed me. It wasn't able to do what comes so naturally to so many mothers. Being a mom and having a happy loving family is all I want in this world. My husband and I only want one child so we thought that everything was finally fitting into place. It seems like every time I get really excited about something I end up let down...I've started to feel as if I shouldn't let myself get excited and maybe it'd be best to be indifferent to everything to avoid being let down.

It's only been a month and it already feels as if people expect me to be over the loss by now. I've even been told I need to go back to work even though the thought of dealing with the public again terrifies me at the moment. I'm so scarred that I will accidentally show how vulnerable and weak I feel right now. I've been crying every day over the smallest things. I also feel so hollow and broken. I'm missing a part of myself, of my family. I was supposed to still be blissfully pregnant and instead I feel like I'm nothing. Like I wasn't worthy of being a mom...like I'm not good enough...

I thank anyone who took the time to read this.

[marianne]

so, so sorry. I am not from this board but I dont think there's a lot of activity here now.

Dont worry dont say anything useful- they really cant help anyway so i suppose what ever they say will be hollow.
Dont listen to anyone expecting you to recover quickly- that's just rubbish. However, if you feel you need professional help do go an get it, as you've had a big shock and need all the support out there.

Good Luck and hang in there!!

[dawn]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Kayt]

Thank you, both of you. I was really upset when I posted my story (rightfully so). I miss my son terribly but I'm trying to stay positive. I do look forward to the future and trying again, though I'm scared of it happening again (even if statistically it's very very unlikely the exact same thing will happen). It just feels that my luck is terrible. Any time I become excited about something something goes horribly wrong and I end up feeling crushed. I'm trying to get out of that mind set but it's difficult. My husband has been amazing through all this, I don't think I could have survived without him.

[Clara Hinton]

I'm so very sorryfor your loss. I, too, delivered a stillborn baby boy -- our circumstances sound so very similar, although at the time my doctor thought it was best NOT to induce (something I would never tell anyone to agree to!), and he let me go into natural labor which took about two and half weeks (carrying my little boy, and knowing he wasn't alive).

The waves of grief will come and go and wash over you at times when you least expect it. For the first three months following the loss of my Samuel, I felt like life would never go on -- ever. I just couldn't imagine myself smiling again.

Time has a way of helping us to work through the hardest parts of grief, and with each passing day we grow just a wee bit stronger (not to say that there won't be some days when you think you just can't make it!).

Please know that it will get better, and the sun will shine for you again.

Again, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. Visit us often and let us help you walk through this journey of loss.

Love,
Clara

[Kayt]

I'm glad that the doctors decided to induce me, though it's the most pain I've ever felt in my life. Apparently because of the way the drugs work it intensifies labor by quite a bit. I wasn't even in active labor yet and I was having regular contractions that were only 2 minutes apart. I didn't know it at the time so we went in and all they did was shoot me full of morphine and send me home. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming because it hurt so bad (and I'm usually a "grit your teeth and bare it" kind of girl when it comes to pain, and I've broken several bones). They didn't expect it to go so quickly either though (apparently even with the drugs it can take up to a week). When they started the induction they told me to call in the next day around noon (after 24hrs) but I was already admitted that night and had him that morning. I'm glad I didn't wait to go in. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever been through. The pain was so intense that I almost passed out a couple of times so they gave me laughing gas until the anesthesiologist was finished with the surgery he was on and could put in my epidural. I was so out of it that night that when I woke up the next morning I didn't even recognize the room I was in. But I heard the nurses talking about possibly breaking my water artificially so I pretended to still be asleep so they'd leave me alone. Thankfully that worked and they left me alone for it to happen naturally.

I'm so sorry they didn't induce you Clara. I can't believe your doctors would be so cruel. I felt absolutely numb knowing that my baby wasn't alive anymore but that I still had to carry him (they waited a day to induce me because it was as if every mother in this city went into labor the night we found out Alex had passed).

I had to get some blood work done the other day (they had to run some tests to check for any other reason that I may have lost my boy even though the doctor that delivered him is certain it was a cord accident) but it said right on the form "Indication "Stillbirth"" and the stupid clerk read it then looked up and me and asked "Are you pregnant?". I'm usually a very quite and reserved person but I just lost it. I yelled at him and asked if he had even bothered to read the form, and then started crying in the waiting room. There were three pregnant women there along with several other people and everyone just looked at me like I was some kind of lunatic. I then heard the other clerk that was there phoning someone to find out what tests need to be done for a stillbirth...at that point all the pregnant woman looked away from me.

...I've also received two letters from the home office of my employers "Congratulating" me. Even though the first time I wrote to them and complained and asked them how they could be so insensitive. It would have taken someone two seconds to send off a quick email to whoever is in charge of that stuff and inform them of the situation. It's not just a generic letter either, not completely anyways, since they had to type in my name and employee number. It would have taken two seconds to correct it so that it didn't feel like it was ripping out my heart as I read it.

I wish the world would understand how painful this sort of loss is and be a little kinder to those that are grieving.

Thank you for your kind words and support. It means so much to me to know I'm not alone...Yet at the same time I almost wish I was. I wouldn't wish this kind of hurt on anybody.

I am starting to see the positive side of things again. I still cry almost every day, but I do look forward to the future and adding to our family. My husband and I only wanted one child, but there's room in our hearts for two. I couldn't imagine going through life without playing the role of a mother. I still think of myself as a mother, but it's hard when I have no little bundle to coddle and care for. I look forward to watching our future little one grow and help them become a responsible individual with their own hopes and dreams.

[katsmom]

your story is hauntingly familiar... the details differ, but the story ends the same. i cried while reading this. still in tears now because i feel this pain. i have been there. i remember the absolute raw feeling of having the entire world ripped out from under o sorry that this had become your reality.

your baby boy was and will always be a part of you. anyone expecting you to be 'over it' obviously had never experienced the loss of someone they loved with ever ounce of their existence. it doesn't matter if is a 101 year grandparent or a child carried in your womb for any amount of time. the loss is huge. it just isn't fair.

after i lost my baby girl at 31 weeks, i was mad at the world. infuriated that life seemed to just carry on without a hitch when my entire universe just collapsed on top of me. its OK to be mad at the world. you are allowed to be angry. scream, cry, breakdown, just FEEL. its a part of grieving. its the raw emotion that will inevitably lead to the path of healing. heal at your own pace. you aren't on any ones time table. grieve. and when you're all out of grief, grieve some more. you did not fail. you are still here grieving for Alexander. you feel this way because you love him so much, and that makes you a great mommy. someday you will be at peace with this. i know that sends impossible at the moment, but i promise it will come. (((hugs)))

[Kayt]

Thank you katsmom, I really appreciate the support.

Just a bit of an update. I had my postpartum check up yesterday. I cried on the way to my appointment because I was so nervous about being around pregnant women. It went a lot better than I had expected it to though. As soon as I got there and said who I was, one of the nurses took me into a room so I didn't have to wait in the waiting room with everyone else. It also left me feeling a whole lot better now that I know 100% that it wasn't my fault. They discovered that the placenta had had a stroke on a portion of it and that's why it was no longer functioning properly. Apparently it can happen do to high blood pressure (which I was suffering from during the entire pregnancy). It sure made me mad at my doctor though. He kept insisting that because I'm over weight that the condition was probably pre-existing. When they did my blood pressure yesterday it came back completely normal which proves to me that it wasn't me, my doctor was just a moron for assuming. I have a feeling I'm far healthier than he is. I don't eat junk food (and when I do it's maybe once a month and I usually add in an extra work out to make sure it doesn't come back to haunt me) and I also work out daily. I have a thyroid condition that makes gaining wait a lot easier for me and losing it about twice as hard as a person with a fully functioning thyroid. I'm fairly certain he just assumed that I sit around all day eating cheetos and drinking soda.

I did receive some bad news though. It turns out that I'm now type 2 diabetic (it runs strongly in my family. My mom has it now also and she's not over weight in the slightest, so I was pretty much doomed from the get go). I now have to find myself a family doctor to deal with it before we can ttc again. The good news is that it's not that bad and I'm usually able to control it without anything, except for my fasting numbers are too high. At least I know about it though and can make sure it's taken care of. My doctor also prescribed me a special prenatal vitamin that has 5x the folic acid than a regular multi vitamin (with diabetes you run a much higher risk of neural tube defects but increasing the folic acid helps to improve the odds of a healthy baby). I am working on losing weight right now and she seemed impressed with my efforts (I work out 30-60+ minutes a day depending on how I'm feeling. It's usually 30 minutes one day then 50-60 the next) and I've lost 10kg since I was pregnant.

The doctor that I saw yesterday also said she would be happy to take me on as a patient for my next pregnancy. She's been so nice through all of this and it was nice that she actually remembered us and explained everything to us properly. She even took the time to write down the key points so I don't forget. It's nice to have found at least one doctor who cares. She was the one who gave us the sad news that we had lost our son and she also delivered him for us. She seemed a bit concerned that I was changing jobs, but I had planned to do that before I found out I was pregnant so I thought that the crazy thing to do would be to stay some place that I'm miserable. I have a great boss there but the job itself is horrible. I'm trying to get transferred to where my husband works (in a different division). It's the same company, but it's a call center instead of retail. I just don't want to be around new babies or pregnant women until I'm pregnant again.

As I was leaving the clinic though there was a fussy baby in the waiting room. My husband pretty much pushed me out of the door at that point to spare me from getting upset.

I've also been trying to venture out on my own a little more since my first experience didn't go so well. I usually only go out with my husband, but when he was getting a hair cut yesterday I actually wondered around the mall by myself for a little bit.

I had a really bad day three days ago. I didn't even want to get out of bed but with some gentle prodding my husband managed to get me up. I cried about 4 times that day and ventured into the nursery. I couldn't help but cry over the empty crib then clutch a little elephant stuffed animal and cry in the rocking chair we have in there. I just miss our little guy so much and it's so unfair that he's gone.

I also recently found out that both my good friends that are pregnant right now are both having boys. I'm happy for them but I can't help feeling a bit jealous and hurt. My best friend's bf even wanted to name their son Alexander...Thankfully my friend put her foot down and told him no (I don't think he realized that that's what we had named our son).

I have found that wearing the locket that I bought does help. That way I can carry around his picture so that it's almost like he's right there with me.

I still don't really like being around other people though. When I'm not being ignored I feel like I'm being pitied. I can see it in their eyes... I don't want pity, I just want understanding. I hate how confusing my mind is right now. I want to be left alone but at the same time I want to tell the world about my baby. I want people to ask me about him, to use his name, but at the same time I don't want them to because they don't know him and because he's so special to me I feel like they just wouldn't understand how I feel.

I just wish that life could be even just a tiny bit more fair. It just seems like such a cruel place right now.

[Kayt]

Okay so I'm a little nervous right now... (warning, this may be a bit tmi)

So I just went to the washroom and noticed that I'm bleeding. I did have a PAP test done yesterday but she said that spotting was normal, but this seems heavier than just spotting (it's not getting on my underwear or anything but when I wipe there's quite a bit of blood). I've had a phobia of doctors so I haven't been the best patient (yesterday was my first PAP test ever) so I'm not sure how normal this is. I'm worried it may be implantation bleeding. According to the app on my phone this is my fertile week, but it says I'm not supposed to ovulate until Saturday...but I know when I conceived Alex it was about 3 days after my last period.

I did do kind of an intense workout yesterday (about 70 minutes, including 130 crunches) and I did have sex with my husband as well so I'm not sure if that would cause that with the combination of the PAP test... Anyone able to ease my mind? I mean, I'd love to be pregnant again, but I would feel a lot more at ease if I had my diabetes sorted out first (though my numbers haven't been all that bad, but they could also be a lot better).

Help?

[Kayt]

Also, I had no spotting at all yesterday, and none until about half an hour ago....

[Kayt]

I had a bit more spotting today but it's now stopped. I also had a bit of cramping along with it but that's stopped as well. My period isn't due for another 3 weeks so I'm not really sure what's going on.

[katsmom]

(((Hugs)))
I'm glad you have found a good doctor. Forget the other! Of course out its not your fault! You would have done anything to avoid the loss of your sweet Alexander if you could have. That goes without saying. I'm sorry that you are going through this. with lack of a better way to say it, it sucks... so so much. The world is so unfair, as is the question 'why? '. Especially because there will never be an answer that makes it better.
You're loss its still very new. At this point, I'm sure it feels like a confusing mix of just yesterday and oh so long ago. Has your cycle returned to normal yet? The bleeding could be from the test or intimacy... maybe a combo of both? also could things just getting back to normal. I've never experienced implantation bleeding, so I can't help there. But if you're actively ttc, I wouldn't let it keep you from it . My littlest guy was conceived almost immediately after my period about 3 weeks after discontinuing use of the nuvaring. statistically, i shouldn't have ovulated for at least another two weeks, if at all that month. our bodies don't always stick to the textbook timelines.
so sorry you had a difficult time. some days are worse than others, and breaking down in tears its ok.cry as often add you need to. don't deny yourself that. you will eventually find those bad days happen less often and the space between them will grow larger add time goes on, but every once and again, its going to catch up with you. the pain is so real and so raw that it physically hurts, i know. i understand.
please cry, vent, scream, ramble as often as you need to. that's what this place is here for. it was my lifeline after my loss. sometimes i just needed someone who really understands to hear me, when the rest of the world didn't.
i commend you on your healthy habits and commitment to yourself. if for no other reason, do it for yourself. also, congrats on the new job. less stress is always a good thing!
I'm keeping you in my prayers.

[Kayt]

Thank you

I think my cycle has gone back to normal...Though it was pretty erratic before I became pregnant (but I've read a few times now that pregnancy can help your body regulate).

I wish we were ttc right now, but since I'm now diabetic I need to get that under control first to give our future child a better head start. That's why I was so worried about the bleeding being implantation. My blood sugar isn't super bad, but it's not where it should be. I had a lot of bleeding when I first became pregnant (the doctors weren't sure as to why, but they never really looked into it. They just said that that happens sometimes).

I think I was just being paranoid since today I have cramping just on my left (last month it was only on my right) so I think I'm about to ovulate (according to an app on my phone that should be tomorrow) so I guess things are seeming a bit more normal. I know I had cramping when I first became pregnant last time, but it was on both sides and felt more like little pinches than actual cramps.

Thank you for the support though, it really does help.

[Kayt]

Well I know for certain now that I'm not pregnant...

I actually ended up spending the day in the hospital today turns out I have gallstones. I've had about 5 attacks since I had Alex and after one started up today I figured I should go get checked out. They've referred me to a surgeon (so hopefully I can get my stupid gallbladder removed soon) so I hope that goes well. I'm glad it wasn't anything worse...but it certainly was not a fun day. They even had to give me morphine at one point since the pain was so bad.

Here's hoping that everyone else had a better day than I did.

[raosa]

Kayt,

I'm checking this board after months and it gave me chills to read your post. I lost my baby boy on the same day in 2009. He passed either late on Nov 9 or on Nov 10th morning. I delivered him on Nov 11, 2009. I'm so very sorry for your loss and wish you strength to cope with each new day.