Post by tonyakathleen918 on Nov 5, 2012 23:22:48 GMT -5
Good evening, my name is Tonya. There are about 4 folders I could post on, but I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now this is all I can manage.
First, a little background, I have had 5 m/c's during my first marriage with no children. When I met my second husband, I was tested and found to have a septum taking up 80% of my uterine cavity, which was surgically removed. Six months later I was pregnant, however it was ectopic (on right ovary). We just went to a fertility specialist and did IVF, thanks to the procedure I have a son and daughter who are about to be 13mo old.
They must have fixed me because when I was 12 dpo when they were 3.5mo old I got a positive pregnancy test. I got pg my first cycle after having them. Well, since I'd had Mark and Isabel vaginally my cervix wasn't up to snuff so at 20w I ended up with a cerclage and bedrest (putting off my last 6mo of nursing school).
I was being monitored every two weeks and at 31.5w Aislynn was completely normal, but at 33.5w that all changed, I was told she had massive bleed in her brain, but the next day I learned it was in fact a rare brain tumor that took up nearly 2/3 of her brain, growing in her left ventricle. Her head was already the size of a full-term baby and she had already developed hydrocephalus because the tumor not only blocked the flow of cerebrospinal fluid but also made it as the tumor grew from the part of the ventricle that made it called the choroid plexus. This thing was so massive. That was September 20th, two days after my 37th birthday and to top it off my dh was on a cruise with his dad headed back to the states.
Our greatest fear was that she would be born that week, without him here, but I never imagined the news I would get.
She died on September 24th and I delivered her vaginally on September 26th at 4:40am. She was 5lbs 5oz, head of red hair and perfect in every way, even with her enlarged head she was perfect. It'll be six weeks since I had her on Wednesday. Everyone tells me that I should be grateful for the two I have living, but it doesn't help, we love her just as much as we love brother and sisters (I have two grown stepdaughters). She was the first pregnancy I've carried on my own passed 9w. I'm angry, I don't know why this happened.
My husband and I are both LPNs, we're working on our RNs, so I'm in nurse mode most of the time, but it just dawned on me today that I've really been avoiding my feelings. I can't do that, because my instructor (I start back to school 12/10 and will be finished in June) wants me really ready to come back to school. I want to be ready too, so I need to start working through my grief. I have to wait a minimum of 8mo before we can ttc again, and that kills me too. I'm also not handling the fact that one neice just had a baby two months ago and her sister is expecting twins in February. I'm happy for them, but upset that I don't have Aislynn with me.
I thought about changing her name, but it's so fitting for her, it means dream and that's just what she is.
I apologize for this being so long.
Tonya
First, a little background, I have had 5 m/c's during my first marriage with no children. When I met my second husband, I was tested and found to have a septum taking up 80% of my uterine cavity, which was surgically removed. Six months later I was pregnant, however it was ectopic (on right ovary). We just went to a fertility specialist and did IVF, thanks to the procedure I have a son and daughter who are about to be 13mo old.
They must have fixed me because when I was 12 dpo when they were 3.5mo old I got a positive pregnancy test. I got pg my first cycle after having them. Well, since I'd had Mark and Isabel vaginally my cervix wasn't up to snuff so at 20w I ended up with a cerclage and bedrest (putting off my last 6mo of nursing school).
I was being monitored every two weeks and at 31.5w Aislynn was completely normal, but at 33.5w that all changed, I was told she had massive bleed in her brain, but the next day I learned it was in fact a rare brain tumor that took up nearly 2/3 of her brain, growing in her left ventricle. Her head was already the size of a full-term baby and she had already developed hydrocephalus because the tumor not only blocked the flow of cerebrospinal fluid but also made it as the tumor grew from the part of the ventricle that made it called the choroid plexus. This thing was so massive. That was September 20th, two days after my 37th birthday and to top it off my dh was on a cruise with his dad headed back to the states.
Our greatest fear was that she would be born that week, without him here, but I never imagined the news I would get.
She died on September 24th and I delivered her vaginally on September 26th at 4:40am. She was 5lbs 5oz, head of red hair and perfect in every way, even with her enlarged head she was perfect. It'll be six weeks since I had her on Wednesday. Everyone tells me that I should be grateful for the two I have living, but it doesn't help, we love her just as much as we love brother and sisters (I have two grown stepdaughters). She was the first pregnancy I've carried on my own passed 9w. I'm angry, I don't know why this happened.
My husband and I are both LPNs, we're working on our RNs, so I'm in nurse mode most of the time, but it just dawned on me today that I've really been avoiding my feelings. I can't do that, because my instructor (I start back to school 12/10 and will be finished in June) wants me really ready to come back to school. I want to be ready too, so I need to start working through my grief. I have to wait a minimum of 8mo before we can ttc again, and that kills me too. I'm also not handling the fact that one neice just had a baby two months ago and her sister is expecting twins in February. I'm happy for them, but upset that I don't have Aislynn with me.
I thought about changing her name, but it's so fitting for her, it means dream and that's just what she is.
I apologize for this being so long.
Tonya