Post by sunflowersmom on Oct 24, 2012 17:34:00 GMT -5
Mind is rambling
On and on
So many thoughts
So quickly gone
Coming too soon
As eyelashes sweep
A peaceful room
As I drift off to sleep
I’ve always written a lot of poetry. My most prolific poetry writing years were in high school and college and shortly after college. When I lost my daughter, I still had the lyrical words and abstractions in my head and my heart but it was harder to get started on writing a poem. This, coupled with the fact that I had become pregnant with my older son less than one year after the loss of my daughter, constrained me to “working through” my grief before my son was born. I was concerned I would not have adequate time to work through my grief. I felt guilty for wanting Sunflower back while my son, who was a completely different person, a completely different baby was growing inside of me.
Rewind to when I was in college, before I became pregnant with Sunflower. One of my assignments in my music theory class was to create an original composition using the I, IV, V, V7 chord progression. The chamber choir I was in had recently been doing some works of PDQ Bach. If you aren’t familiar with the works of PDQ Bach, he is a fictitious composer created by a music professor as a satire. PDQ Bach pieces have the same musical substance as some famous Baroque and Classical pieces but the titles or lyrics are words that are supposed to be satirical.
I decided to compose a piece for a capella choir or four part (soprano, alto, tenor, bass) using the chord progression and this original poem I had written about lying in bed waiting for sleep. Due to my creative nature and my sense of humor, my professor made a comment on the likeness of PDQ Bach with the combination of the words from my poem and the chord progressions.
I had forgotten all about this, even about my “other”, past life as a music major in college until last night when I was lying in bed having trouble falling asleep due to the overwhelming barrage of thoughts rushing through my mind. Suddenly, I remembered the poem. I remembered the composition and the A+ I was awarded with by my music theory professor. I remembered my love of music and of the creativity that I had, over time, suppressed. And I was compelled to write.
Looking back, I think I had lost my way. I’d lost part of myself and I’d lost my conviction in who I was. Instead of accepting the lesson that I needed to rely on my gut feelings and trust myself first, I began to doubt. I don’t think I’ve realized until now how detrimental to my self-confidence this doubting was at this time in my life. I shut myself down and shut out the world. I think you could say that a part of me had died with Sunflower on that day.
In this moment, I don’t feel “recovered” from losing my daughter. (I think that’s impossible.) But I do feel that maybe I’ve neglected myself too long for her, for my boys, for myself. I need to honor myself as I am.
On and on
So many thoughts
So quickly gone
Coming too soon
As eyelashes sweep
A peaceful room
As I drift off to sleep
I’ve always written a lot of poetry. My most prolific poetry writing years were in high school and college and shortly after college. When I lost my daughter, I still had the lyrical words and abstractions in my head and my heart but it was harder to get started on writing a poem. This, coupled with the fact that I had become pregnant with my older son less than one year after the loss of my daughter, constrained me to “working through” my grief before my son was born. I was concerned I would not have adequate time to work through my grief. I felt guilty for wanting Sunflower back while my son, who was a completely different person, a completely different baby was growing inside of me.
Rewind to when I was in college, before I became pregnant with Sunflower. One of my assignments in my music theory class was to create an original composition using the I, IV, V, V7 chord progression. The chamber choir I was in had recently been doing some works of PDQ Bach. If you aren’t familiar with the works of PDQ Bach, he is a fictitious composer created by a music professor as a satire. PDQ Bach pieces have the same musical substance as some famous Baroque and Classical pieces but the titles or lyrics are words that are supposed to be satirical.
I decided to compose a piece for a capella choir or four part (soprano, alto, tenor, bass) using the chord progression and this original poem I had written about lying in bed waiting for sleep. Due to my creative nature and my sense of humor, my professor made a comment on the likeness of PDQ Bach with the combination of the words from my poem and the chord progressions.
I had forgotten all about this, even about my “other”, past life as a music major in college until last night when I was lying in bed having trouble falling asleep due to the overwhelming barrage of thoughts rushing through my mind. Suddenly, I remembered the poem. I remembered the composition and the A+ I was awarded with by my music theory professor. I remembered my love of music and of the creativity that I had, over time, suppressed. And I was compelled to write.
Looking back, I think I had lost my way. I’d lost part of myself and I’d lost my conviction in who I was. Instead of accepting the lesson that I needed to rely on my gut feelings and trust myself first, I began to doubt. I don’t think I’ve realized until now how detrimental to my self-confidence this doubting was at this time in my life. I shut myself down and shut out the world. I think you could say that a part of me had died with Sunflower on that day.
In this moment, I don’t feel “recovered” from losing my daughter. (I think that’s impossible.) But I do feel that maybe I’ve neglected myself too long for her, for my boys, for myself. I need to honor myself as I am.
