grief stinks

[missingisaiah]

Grief is so draining and it's strange. Some days it lays low, I know it's there, but it's below the service. Some days it bubbles up. Other days it washes over me like a tidal wave. I still remember those first awful several months after Isaiah's death when it hurt to breath, when my arms literally ached every day to hold him, when getting through one minute in time was too overwhelming, the m
ost I could do is get through one second, when I cried every day, often several times a day. Then the pain not so much lessened as shifted to be less open. I didn't cry as frequently, my arms didn't ache daily with the longing to hold him. I think it was about the time the questioning shifted from the back of my mind to the front of my mind: why did Isaiah die, was there something, anything that could have prevented his death, will this pain never end. Last year was brutal again: the pain was more open, deeper. I think it was because I finally realized the pain wasn't really going to get better, not until I see Isaiah again and it was partly because so many people got sick of hearing about Isaiah and then too we got a lot of, "Well you have another son now so you should be fine," as if one child could ever replace another.
This year has been more of a discovery kind of year. I stopped asking how I can survive Isaiah's death because I realized in a huge way, I did not really survive his death. Most of the old me died when he died. Now it's time to figure out who the new me is.
But for now what I really want is a break from grief. No, what I really, really want is Isaiah back.

[jezebel]

I am sorry to hear how other people are, they don't know what it is like although you have another son it doesn't make it any less painful. you are never gonna have it licked I am finding this out I am 6 months away from David's death and my fathers they nearly went at the same time.
My days are not so bad mostly I have days where I cry all day I miss him more then anyone can know, But you know in this sire there are truly good people they all know what it is like to loose a child some very young some still born some older it doesn't matter the age of how death came but they all know what it is like. NO one here is gonna tell you you have another son or to get on with your life or you can try again for another child like one is replacing the other GOOD HEAVENS what do they think. Well it is because they don't know what it is like and a lot of people don't really know what to say I am one I don't know what to say and many times I mean well but somehow I am not taken right and it come out wrong and bad OY but I think this is a good site you can post till you hands fall off no one will say anything of how much you post they know the pain of loosing a child and it is not a pain that will ever leave you it is something you will never forget bot even if you have Alzheimer's trust me. the best thing I think is to talk of your child we all want to hear of what your child was like.
Fret now we all are listening.

Rhayden

[jezebel]

I meant fret not.

Rhayden

[judiann]

(((((hugs)))))

it's a wonder that we don't drown or sufficate from our grief or just simply die from the heartbreak....

your so right...grief is draining & sooo strange...how do we cope? mostly we don't....ever

to you my Sweet Brenda...yes, you have become a "new" you & it's time to find that part of you.

we died with our child...never to fill that place in our hearts again but thats ok...that "place" is only for them & we will save it...we always want them back.

I've not been in your shoes but I've known too many ppl that have & I wonder.....

does the loss of your sweet child so young....give you the child that was really meant to be with you??

i don't know & mean no offense...just going by what i've learned

if you had Isaiah back....would you have Tabitha & John?? I don't think so........

i know this is really off the wall but...life, the universe...always makes IT right somehow....

it is what it is....one day at a time

I can do that.

love ya,
judiann

[missingisaiah]

Actually, we would have had Tabatha and John if Isaiah had lived. We always planned on having 3 children, 2 years or so apart in age, but Judiann, I understand what you are saying. I know many who had a miscarriage said they never would have had their living child if they hadn't lost one.

[judiann]

(((((Brenda)))))

I'm so relieved you understand what I was Trying to say but seemed to plub it up .....I almost deleted the post, afraid I would offend you.

I'm sure you would have had Tabatha & John....both being the exact same people they are now

My thought were about something that my oldest daughter has said to me many times. Her "sperm donor" was really a sorry excuse of a man but...I didn't know that at the time & married him only to find out later just how bad he was....

Anyway....she's said I could have picked a better "donor" for her & I've told her that "IF one single minute had changed back then...I wouldn't have HER"....exactly who she is today.
I would have missed Her.....so, that one sperm, that one egg, at that minute...was worth all the other crap.
Same theory for Melvin & Lisa.

Does this makes sense?? I hope so. All this thimking is giving me a headache!! lol

Not sure if it'll help but the 6th anniversary hit me extra hard....seems it did many others too. The grief is still ever present but not so close to the surface, still shifting...the tidal wavs are brutal but not as often....

((((((((hugs)))))))))

Love ya,
judiann

[sarahsmommy]

I have also had people tell me if I had Sarah, I would not have my others, and like you Brenda, I disagree. Each one of my kids is their own person, not a replacement for Sarah. I always knew I would know when I was done. And interestingly just last week my youngest (18) told me there were times Sarah "talks to him, and helps him with problems." Made me cry.
Kathy