New here...still raw

[janablessed]

My name is Jana and I lost my firstborn son May15th, 2012. He was 22 weeks and it was the day after Mother's Day. My water broke and the Dr's say it was because of an unknown infection. My son was born asleep and was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

I just passed my original due date 2 days ago and I feel like I'm starting the grieving process all over again. I am a Christian and firmly believe Jaxson is with the Lord, happy and safe. But of course, I am devastated and very, very raw.

It was difficult to conceive him the first time and I'm very afraid I won't ever get pregnant again. I know my husband is also very fearful of trying again. He's going to be 40 in the spring and I just turned 31. I know that isn't old but I feel a clock ticking internally so loudly...louder now that Jax is gone than even before when we were trying.

I think today I just needed to badly to find a forum where I can just be honest and feel safe with other women who know how I feel. I'm not angry with God but I'm angry with all the other women around me who are having babies left and right as though it's second nature to them. I'm so, so sad Jaxson isn't hear and I'm afraid of the colder months coming and the earlier it gets dark outside and the holidays coming up. I don't know how I'm going to survive it.

It already feels like everyone has forgotten about our loss since it's been over 4 months but of course, that is not very long at all to learn to cope with this intense pain.

I just want someone to hear my cry today. Someone to remind me that God hasn't forgotten about me. Someone to tell me that with time it gets better...that God is still good and that hope remains. I can say those things but I feel none of them.

Thanks for reading.

[jezebel]

SOme times people don't talk of things because they are not wanting to upset you, (raises hand and waves it) I am guilty of this. But in finding this you will see as you write and read tars will flow and you know what IT IS OK, My son Died April 2, 2012 in a fire and nmy fahter five days later, Yeah two, but the further I get away from that awful days it gets better.you know when you said you were fearful of trying again maybe adoption would be it, I know the joy of having your own but if you are fearful this maybe it but I also would ask the doctor of the infection and if it could happen again if not then of course I think to try again would be good. I got through David's birthday 9/5/ this year and it went without a hitch I thought since I was not able to visit him, I live inNC and he was in PA, that I woud have much guilt I think it is all the crying I have done and I am just worn out this maybe the same you need to rerlease all this inside, Cry if you have to scream or how ever it is you release it. It is ok REALLY anhyone with a brian would not sad one thing the loss of a child is devistating and not everyone has had it.
There are things to set it off once you get through the most part mother's day came up fast and my husband gave me a mother's day card I just got a weeping he said did I do something wrong I couldn't speak I said David would of called me to say hapy mother's day but things lie this will get you weeping it is ok, this is a very goosd place for people here know the loss you feel and they can help you through it I think some will be more helpful then I am I have trouble puting my words together and get misunderstood, Fret not there will be more to asnwer you.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Rhayden

[josephinesmomma]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There is no time limit on grieving and unfortunately a lot of people around moms who have angels tend to think there is. My daughter Josephine will be two on the 27 of this month, she was born still after a placenta abruption at 37 weeks. I think of her everyday, lean on God for your strength. And feeling angry is normal. Sending you lots of hugs.

[dawn]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't normally check this section very often, as all of my losses were earlier, but I hear your cry.

I know the ticking clock. Although my husband and I are "done" having children. It wasn't until I was almost 35 that my daughter Sarah was born. She came a month and a half before our 15th wedding anniversary. We were told that we'd never have our own biological children. I lost two the year before her. Three more losses after her and we had my son and then my daughter Caitie. I was just shy of my 39th birthday when I had my youngest. My husband is 8 years older than I.

It may be hard to think of more after having a stillbirth. But know that you are not alone.

(((hugs))))