Did friendships change with the loss of your child

[pocooso]

Did your friendships change with the loss of your child? I feel alone and disconnected from the connections I had through having Melody. No more get togethers with moms of her Girl Scout troop; no connections to the middle school where she would've gone. No memories being formed with parents of her peers. None of Melody's peers has a baby sibling Noah's age. Nearly impossible to find other families with a 4th-grader AND a 1.5-year-old toddler. Who wants to get together with someone who has a toddler in tow? I have to make friends with moms of babies, and I feel like an old mother, too....you should see all the gray hairs that have sprouted since Melody's death. Sure, my old friends/acquaintances adore Noah, but he puts a crimp in my style. For instance, I left my friend's 40th birthday party early because my breasts started getting a little tender since I needed to nurse the baby. Plus, I figured the baby would be getting too cranky for my husband.

[myangelamanda]

(((((hugs))))))

My friendships did change after Amanda died. I felt as though I just didn't fit in with my much happier friends who still set the dinner table for the same number of people they always did, or who made the same number of lunches (and would complain about having to do it), or who could go to the supermarket and not break down in a panic attack at the site of Poptarts like I used to do.

Things they did or said or didn't do or didn't say bugged me so much so I pretty much distanced myself from them. It felt right for me because being with them actually hurt the very core of my soul. It wasn't their fault nor was it mine ... but life's circumstance changed me and how I viewed everything in life and I didn't like who I was becoming when I would literally force myself to maintain those friendships ~ I was angry, bitter, filled with hate and contempt not to mention jealousy and envy because they all still had what I lost ... they had their daughter. So I really was the one who divorced my friends and for me it was the best thing I did.

I'm sorry you feel alone and disconnected. I admire that you actually wish to still get together with those moms from Girl Scouts. I just couldn't bring myself to ... but today while grocery shopping I did just run into an old friend ... one I did purposely let go and it was ME who went up to HER today down the cereal aisle ... and it was OK. I'm not sad I saw her. I'm not happy I saw her either. But I didn't run the other way like I used to ... and I went up to her head on and said Hi. But, for me, it was enough. Her daughter and my Amanda were very close back in 1st and 2nd grade and though I'm happy (truly and legit) that her daughter is in 10th grade and doing all the fun stuff they do at that age ... I truly and legit didn't care when she was telling me all about 10th grade.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're going to a 40th birthday party for a friend I'm assuming you're around that age and let me tell you there are TONS of moms with toddlers who are in their late 30's or early 40's and I don't think that is being an old mother at all!!! Noah is your 3rd child so of course you're older than someone who may be having their first child but not necessarily ... lots of women are having children later ...

Go to the salon and do something special for YOU!! Get a highlight or color and even a facial and a mani/pedi ~ moms of all ages should do things like this for themselves ESPECIALLY if they're feeling like things aren't the way they used to be (like your hair you mentioned) ... YOU deserve it!!! and you'll feel good and happy. Then go and find a mom's group or just go to the park ... or sign him up for a baby gym class or music class ... and go and make a few new friends. YOU deserve that too!! Then maybe that can turn into meeting for lunch or coffee and at least you'll be with other moms who have the same aged child. I met one of my dearest friends by doing this and I've known her for 3 years now, but she's a gem of a friend who has a daughter the same age as my daughter. We met at dance when my daughter was 3 and we just hit it off and we've been on the same soccer team and dance class ever since.

xox
~michele

[jezebel]

yes my friendship ended with a friend I knew for more then 40 years. It was because I wanted ONLY FAMILY at my son's graveside. Other friends wanted to go but I thought only family should be there. She had called to my husband in NC crying to him she couldn't go I was having a memorial for him no coffin just picture, I told her she is more then welcome to go to it. On the 7Th of April My father died they both were in a fire and complications of the fire my father died from I didn't even want to call her but my husband said she should know.
I called and told her my father died but I also said I was very mad with her calling to my husband in NC belly aching to him that she couldn't go to my son's graveside. She called my cell phone once and my home phone twice telling me I put a knife in her heart and twisted it and she did nothing wrong and the friendship is over and she will always think of me as a sister which I once held her as more then once but I was on SSI and she told them I was working she was trying to get me into trouble with them because she thought I stole 6 stamps you mail letters with. I didn't talk to her for 6 years and I thought everyone one should have a second chance but not a 3rd chance.
She lies and she seems to think my father told her when my mother was dying in 2008 ( she died Oct.24Th at 12:30 am) that my father said she was like or was family I never thought this and I never could trust her 100 percent after she had betrayed me. I wondered what she would do to end the friendship. She said I treated her like poop but I was not at her house I was gone most of the day trying to get my son's funeral and my father's funeral in the process. I don't think I need this from her and she should know I was grief stricken and I didn't need her crap at this time.

I don't think this time it will be repairable I think if it goes like last time she will try to say she is sorry but I had enough. This broke the back.

Rhayden

[missingisaiah]

Yes friendships changed. We lost some friends, well I should say people we thought were friends. Other friendships deepened. Some we are still friends with but it's more a surface friendship. Then there are the people I met here. Even though I never met them in real life, I feel closer to most of these women than many in my life.