|
|
Post by mandy832 on Apr 16, 2012 7:00:35 GMT -5
It is almost four months since my only child Eric passed away (12/23/2011). Ever since then I fell empty inside and my life doesn't seem to have a meaning. Every morning I used to get up from bed and started making breakfast and lunchpack for Eric. Then I woke him up and brought to kitchen. I enjoyed the look on his face when he saw his favorite pancakes with maple syrup. When I wake up now I have this strong feeling to go to the kitchen and start making pancakes. But then I realize that he's not here anymore. I lost the purpose to live and even if I try to fight it I don't think I'm able to stand it any more. I'm loosing the will to live.. Can someone help me? Is there anyone with same feelings??  |
|
|
|
Post by myangelamanda on Apr 16, 2012 9:08:11 GMT -5
Hi Eric's mom. I'm so sorry you're here, but you're not alone. I've been a part of this life for 7 1/2 years now and back all those many years ago I, too, felt how you're feeling. For me I CLEARLY recall 4 months (which was a February for me) was one of the darkest times in this entire journey. If you were to read my journal from back then you would read a lot of things that validate how you are feeling.
The only help I can provide is letting you know the way you are feeling is normal for where you are in this journey. Your life does have meaning, though. You will begin to realize this but it just takes a lot of time, tears and effort. It is exhausting and at times just too overwhelming to even understand ... but the hard core pain and emptiness does ease and change over time ... and as it begins to change you will realize that you are one of the only people who can keep your son's legacy alive ... by talking about him ... by sharing his life with others ... by doing things for others in his name ... so that Eric's life and all he was about continues to live. You, as his mother, are one of the only people who can do this and because of that ... yes ... your life does have meaning.
((((hugs)))) because it takes time. Patience is the one virtue all us parents seem to have no choice but to practice. Sharing your son with all of us here most definitely helps. You can tell us everything about him that you want us to know ... when you're ready.
I can tell you this ... I will no longer be able to eat a pancake without thinking about your Eric.
~michele
|
|
|
|
Post by mandy832 on Apr 16, 2012 13:48:45 GMT -5
First of all, I would like to thank you, Michele, for the time and effort you spent reading and answering to my post. I will try to follow your advices, as it is clear you have been where I am right now. It seems you were strong enough to overcame the overwhelming grief for which I admire you. I wish I was as strong as you.
I realize that feeling the way I feel is not unusual, though I would not say it is normal. It should not be, noone should ever feel the way I - as well as all of us that have suffered such a horrible loss - feel.
What would you recommend me in order to keep Eric's legacy alive? To share his life with others?
I was able to think of only a few ways. I liked a suggestion of a friend with whome I talked about it. She said that there are Memorial websites, where you can upload biography, memories, photos and more. I especially liked this idea as I could easily share the memorial with Eric's friends from school and swimming team. This way, his legacy would live on forever and he would never be forgotten. Do you know of any such sites, credible, reliable and without commercials?
I admire your work here, helping other in their time of need. Thank you one more time.
|
|
|
|
Post by myangelamanda on Apr 16, 2012 15:58:54 GMT -5
First, I just want to say that it took me years to be truly able to come here and help others ... then I had a set back and stopped coming here and stopped posting ... I am now on the path of wanting and being able to help again ... I hope it lasts, but we never really know what may trigger a set back so please just know it didn't happen over night that I was able to come here and offer support. I started out desperately needing support from those who also knew the pain that goes with loosing a child.
There are a lot of memorial sites out there. The one I'm most familiar with is Memory-of.com. I think you need to search sites and visit them to see which one feels like the right fit for you. Just as our grief and how we handle our loss is very personal so is creating a memorial. Finding the right fit for you will give you something to do and once you find the right site you will be able to freely create and share your Eric. It can be extremely difficult to do, but everything is so fresh and familiar right now ... it's the perfect time to put all your love for your son out on a site that you're comfortable with for all, who you want, to read.
I'm not sure what you'd like to do to keep your son's legacy alive. Some of us have non-profit foundations, some of us volunteer in some capacity that may be associated with how our child died (ie: Relay for Life), some of us donate toys, books, clothing to children's organizations, etc ... there are lots of ways to keep our children's legacy alive but only you can find the right way that works for you and your family. You could tie in swimming or sponsor a swim meet in his name. You say he loves pancakes and syrup. You could host a pancake breakfast fundraiser at a local firehouse with all proceeds to benefit area volunteers or even the swim team he was swimming for, but whatever you choose to do really has to be your decision.
One thing you will realize, in time, is that as wrong as it is that any of us are here there are certain emotions and certain things each of us feel and that is why we say you're normal. You are normal for the horror that your life has now become. It is not the normal you knew on December 22, 2011 ... but 24 hours later the word normal no longer has the same meaning as it once did. So please know that all of us here know that you are 100% correct when you say no one should ever feel this type of raw and straight to the soul type of pain we all have. To live the rest of our lives with a piece of ourselves gone ... forever ... is the worst pain imaginable to most people ... sadly for us it is a reality and a nightmare we live daily.
Right now, for where you are in this journey, you need to just live minute by minute ... day by day ... which will turn into week by week ... month by month ... followed by year by year. It takes an exceptional amount of energy and time. It can be over the top exhausting at times too. You must remember to eat and drink water. We have a member here who always says "take care of you" ... and in the beginning months it is truly all you need to try and do.
Peace ~
|
|
|
|
Post by missingisaiah on Apr 16, 2012 20:39:20 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are not part of our group: the group who knows what it is like to lose a child. It hurts, it is a nightmare.
It is hard to find purpose again. I don't think we really realize until our child died just how much our lives were wrapped up in their lives.
Michele gave you some great suggestions on keeping Eric's memory alive.
The only other thing I would add is do not try to survive a whole day at a time. I remember the first 6 months or so all I could do is survive one second at a time then I found it helpful to tell myself, "I just have to survive this one task. That's it. I can survive that long."
This board isn't always active, but please post as much as you need to. I try checking here every couple of days.
|
|
|
|
Post by mandy832 on Apr 17, 2012 6:57:10 GMT -5
Thank both of you, again, for your support. Along with the support of the rest of the family and friends, it provides me with a little light spot in the darkness that surrounded my life. The ideas you wrote about seem like a good way to keep my son’s legacy alive. When the time comes, I will consider realizing them. Especially the one with the pancakes, in one form of another. I searched the memorial sites as you suggested and finally decided to set one up on a site that felt right for me ( www.memmento.com/Memorial-at-Memmento/667/Eric-Hill ), again, as you said. I hope that one day, years and years from now, I will be able to return to it, browse the photos and memories, and smile for the chance I got – for Eric, who was the best son I could have hoped for. The moment just seems too far away from where I am right now. I do not know if I am able to take the journey. I will, nonetheless, try my best to overcome the sorrow, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, as you both wrote. |
|
|
|
Post by Sydneysmom on Apr 17, 2012 23:45:15 GMT -5
Hi Eric's mom, I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no pain like it. I only hope that we can be here for you as you process through, one day at a time. I look forward to hearing more about your precious Eric. ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) -Angela |
|
|
|
Post by jaredsmommyforever on Apr 21, 2012 19:02:31 GMT -5
Dear Mandy,
I am so sorry that you have now become a part of this terrible club no one wants to belong to. I too will say that your grief and emptiness and terrible sorrow are normal for what you are enduring, even though I agree with you that it is not normal OR RIGHT that anyone should have to survive this. I echo everything everyone else said, but I will add one more thing. YOU matter. You have a meaning and purpose and integrity to your life that exists even separate from your role as Eric's Mommy. You may not care about this right now, as I did not this soon after losing my son, but in time I suspect you will. You will live to carry on Eric's legacy, but you also have a responsibility to yourself to find the rest of your own. You may not feel it now, but please give yourself the time to get to that point, This journey is horrific and the longest road that exists, but you will walk that road and figure out how to stay on the path. And we will help you.
Thinking of you and knowing that the pain may seem bigger than you, but if you keep breathing though it, one moment at a time, as Brenda said, you will survive. Even when you don't want to. And that is YOUR journey.
Take care,
Denise
Jared's Mommy Forever
|
|
|
|
Post by weeblemom on Apr 28, 2012 21:01:34 GMT -5
(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you have to face this pain. I often feel like the only reason I keep going is the other people that I have responsibilities for. It is such a blow to our identity when we lose our child. One of the ladies here told me that we have a destiny separate from our children. I mull that over and over often. It seems hard to believe, but perhaps it is true. Right now, it may seem like you will never feel better. But in time, I hope you will find that it gets a little gentler. I don't expect this pain to ever go away, but I can say that for me, after a year, the pain is not as raw as it was at first. We will be here for you wherever this journey takes you.
|
|
|
|
Post by jezebel on May 18, 2012 18:54:12 GMT -5
I know what you mean I find I am at the same place WHY GO ON well I find first my son David would be very angry with me if I did the deed and my life is not to be at a end yet I was spared once in life and I know I have more to do My son was my best friend and he was the one person who truly understood me. My son passed the April that just passed April 2,2012 and I still am in shock but I have animals that I care for and if I don't then my husband would kill them that is my chickens and rabbits I have a dog and a cat he would take them to the pound I am sure and this is all becuase if I did the deed. As hard as it is now I still know I can't do the deed and as time goes by it will dull but I will never get over it never not think of him never forget him and it will never go away I will have this to my grave and into all the lives I will have it will be untill the end of time. BUT I try not to dwell on it I have bad days where I cry a lot and the whole day is shot other days goes by and I am fine. My son and father died in a fire in PA we had to take my father off the resperator and we put my son then my father in the ground in the same cemetary they can see each other.
My son would not want me to mourn his death but recall all that we had together all he learned from me and all I learned from him and I want to try to be more like him.
I am sorry for your loss but Death is not a opition it is to live is the adventure the glass is not half empty no I am filling it up. Understand/
Rhayden
|
|
There is no pain like it. I only hope that we can be here for you as you process through, one day at a time. I look forward to hearing more about your precious Eric.
