Grave decorations?

[missingisaiah]

I was wondering how you decorate your child's grave. Do you decorate according to the age he/she was when he/she died or the age he/she would be?
I never am sure how to decorate Isaiah's grave. Until a year ago, it seemed easy to figure out. But now it's harder. Flowers don't seem right anymore because really, what 5 year old boy likes flowers? But, he has a vase attached to his stone and it seems wrong not to have something in it. Tabatha wants flowers in it this year, so we will do that. But, still doesn't seem right. Maybe it's not so much flowers that doesn't seem right as having to decorate my son's grave.
I have also been thinking lately of donating a book in Isaiah's name to our library. Should I donate one that an infant would like or a 5 year old or both?
The stuff we wonder in this new "normal." (By the way I HATE this new normal. Nothing feels normal about it!!!)

[lauren&k&p&a&j&b's mom]

Apr 2, 2012 22:48:17 GMT -5 missingisaiah said:

Maybe it's not so much flowers that doesn't seem right as having to decorate my son's grave.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this statement. Our children are just not supposed to go before us, and nothing about the fact that they did could ever feel right. Flowers will be perfect because that's what comforts Tabatha, and my guess is that as her brother, Isaiah would want that.

I always hesitate to post on this board since my son lived for less than two hours, but I did want to address this topic since I can relate. Each Christmas since Paul was born (so far, there have been two), I have donated a toy in his honor to Toys for Tots, and what has felt right to me was choosing one each time that was appropriate for the age he would be if he had continued to live. This was a subconscious decision, though, and I could easily see staying with infant things instead since that's how he will always look in pictures and in my memories.

I love your library book idea and believe you can't go wrong whichever way you decide to go with it. Sending ((((HUGS)))).

[jaredsmommyforever]

I agree. Whatever feels right to you is right. And if you don't know what feels right, go with what is easy on you. I like to honor the years as they should be, but there is no 'right' here. Nothing is right, so whatever gives you peace or makes you feel that you are honoring him is great.

[myangelamanda]

Hi Brenda ~

I agree that having to decorate our child's grave is what is completely wrong with this picture. The even sadder part is that it is all we have left to do for our child in a physical "caring" type of way.

Why not get crafty and make something you think Isaiah would love in his vase? Who says vases are only for flowers anyway? Could you fill it up with rocks? Boys love rocks. Or how about marbles? Or get some floral wire go to the Dollar Store and buy a plastic bouquet of flowers and a lot of little cars .... attach the cars to the greens with the wire and get rid of the floral part and make a bouquet of cars. Just a thought. Or you could buy a wreath and glue/wire cars to it.

I love the book donation idea. My girlfriend donates one to Amanda's school every year on Amanda's birthday. She's kept it geared towards elementary school level books. When I donate a book I generally donate an "age as she would be today book". Not sure why, but I guess in my mind she's 16. It feels better to my heart and soul to think she's actually aging and growing rather than stuck forever as an 8 year old. It's my fantasy world I retreat to almost every day.

There's a great book out there that has been donated in my daughter's memory. It's perfect for all ages actually. It's called "Over The Rainbow " and it comes with a CD. It's simply a book with the words and paintings to that song and it is just an amazing read and listen. It's performed by Judy Collins and the paintings are by Eric Puybaret. I cherish this book. I was given a copy from someone who also donated a copy and I have it displayed in my living room. Just another thought on how some books can cross over all generations.

Do what is in your heart, my friend. You never will be wrong.

(((((((hugs)))))))))

xox

[weeblemom]

I agree that the new normal just stinks. For Weeble, we put some of his toys on his grave the day of his funeral, so now we always take toys out there as well as flowers. We go to the dollar store and let the children pick out things they think he would like. It will be interesting to see if they continue to choose toddler toys or if their choices will "grow" as he should have. Flowers are tricky for me, because I used to love them so much, and always wished my husband would bring me flowers (LOL!). Then we received so many flowers when Weeble died, and now all flowers, anywhere I see them, just remind me of that intense, raw pain of those first days. So, while I take flowers to the cemetery now because his headstone isn't there yet and it looks too empty without them, I don't know if I will continue to after the headstone arrives.

I am wondering a similar thing about celebrating his birthday. Next month would be his fourth birthday, and I'm not sure how to approach it. Some of the children say decorate for a four-year-old, some of them think he should always be two in our minds. I don't know.

How do you see Isaiah in your mind? Is he always a baby or do you envision him as the age he should be? I wish you didn't even have to think about such a thing as how to decorate his grave. (((HUGS)))

[missingisaiah]

I see Isaiah as a baby. I just can't picture him as a 5 year old.
Right now he has a teddy bear in his flower vase, but Tabatha is adamant that we bring him flowers. So, we will have to go buy some artificial flowers soon.

[pocooso]

Melody doesn't have a grave. She was cremated and her ashes are still with us. I guess I could never quite really bury my child. No one should have to do that. But, I think it is a little strange feeling for some relatives, like my parents, to not have a place to visit her.

[jezebel]

When I go back to my son's grave I am going to put stuff on it he would like He was into Dragons and dogs English bull dogs and rotties but he like all animals I pln to put this on his grave he like the colour red and black but black was the favorite of all. I will make sure it looks nice when I leave I live in NC and he is in PA but every year I will return to see him.

Don't let anyone tell you how you shoud do it if they do ask them did they have a child that died?? and if they have not then say WELL THEN Don't dare tell me what I should or should not put on it I know what my child liked and if they say anything else tell them to go away SERIOUSLY

Do what ever make you happy and know your child would like it that IS ALL that matter and no one else.

Rhayden

[rabeyscott]

I think if you want that your child's grave should be decorate always. Then silk flowers & balloons would be the best accessories for the decoration.

artificial plants and flowers

[jezebel]

dang they look so real on that site who would guess they weren't I would have to touch them if I saw them somewhere.

WOW! I can only say.

Rhayden