Post by Alaska on Mar 29, 2012 17:46:02 GMT -5
I feel bad about this, because I know I do not participate like I want to and I usually end up posting only if I am begging for prayer again...but that's where I am...again.
I.am.so.overwhelmed.
Part of me wants to tell everyone I know and beg for prayer and help, but another part of me does not want everyone to know what I am struggling with and some people...like work people...can't know. So here I am.
Where to even start? I cannot physically keep up. I am at work most days at least 14 hours. Legally, that is all I can document. There are work hour restrictions on residents. We can only work 80 hours a week and we are supposed to have 10 hours off in between. The problem is that the work load did not decrease. So in reality the work is never done. I am never, ever caught up. There is always a pile of undone charts. There are always bucket loads of dictations to dictate. My pager is always on. People get confused on who they are supposed to page and end up paging all hours of the day and night. Right now I am on the gyn service (meaning I am doing all the non-OB surgical cases). I start getting text messages about who I need to round on, whoever was admitted overnight at 4 AM. Tomorrow I have two presentations to give, I am in the thick of a research project and I have several hours of work on that tonight waiting on me.
And, to add to the stress, I took Step 3 of the boards, which is a $900 test which lasts two 8-hour days, at the end of February. Usually, the scores take 4-6 weeks. But it just so happens that they are in the process of re-vamping the test and people who took the test after Feb 15th will not get their scores until June 7th. The problem is that my program will not offer me a contract for this coming year (July to July) unless I have a passing score. Usually contracts are offered in March. So, while I currently have a job, if I didn't pass this test, I will not have a job after July 1. The cost to retake the test will be over $1000. I will not have income for July or health insurance or even the promise of a spot if I am able to retake the test and pass it. We don't have any kind of money to deal with a situation of that magnitude. And it's not like I can just apply for another job. It simply does not work that way. This would be a game changer...possibly a career ender. Now, hopefully I passed the stupid test and this is a non-issue. But many very smart people have failed that test. I walked out of there feeling like it could go either way. There is not a stinking thing I can do about it. It's done, whichever way...but I cannot help but feel utterly desperate and sick over this. I wish the whole world would plead with the Lord to please let me have passed that test and that He would say yes. This level of anxiety is nearly more than I can handle.
Added to that, our program lost our gyn oncology service. We had 2 gyn onc doctors and they both left and we have been unable to fill those positions. So the way our program director solved the problem is to create an away rotation with another residency program in Dallas. Here's the problem. It's 4 weeks away from my family. They do not cover any expenses up-front, but they will reimburse us for housing and food while we are gone after we get and turn in our receipts. Again, I do not have that kind of money. I cannot pay for the extended stay hotel they have set up for us and pay for food and everything else and maintain a household here. And, there is no freaking way my car will make it there. I'm lucky that it makes it down the road to the hospital here. The AC is not working and the windows do not roll down. I do not have the money to throw at it right now and there is no way even if I made it to Dallas that a person can drive in Dallas in June with no AC and completely closed up windows. I'll die from heat stroke!
Mathematically I cannot make this thing work!!!! Plus, I am not sure what kind of disaster I will come home to if I am gone for 4 weeks. I'm not talking about just a messy house...I talking about some serious trouble. I cannot go into details, but suffice it to say that dh is severely depressed and not coping well and I am seriously fearful of what kind of shape my family will be in under that kind of financial stress and no mom at home at all for that length of time.
With all of this stress, our marriage is truly suffering. Dh is so down and has been for so long. We all walk on eggshells around him...and when he blows he is so hateful...Part of me wants to tell it all, but I really can't get into all of it.
I am just so tired, so hurt and so stressed about the very near future. We have been through some really tough stuff before, and in some ways I feel like this shouldn't compare at all. But I think it's the fact that the pressure is just building and building with no real relief in sight and it has been this way for so long...I am truly concerned that I may not make it through this intact. I am afraid my family is going to fall apart. I am afraid I am falling apart. I am afraid of what in creation we will do if I didn't pass that test and how in world we will make it through June. There just doesn't seem to be any solution....
I.am.so.overwhelmed.
Part of me wants to tell everyone I know and beg for prayer and help, but another part of me does not want everyone to know what I am struggling with and some people...like work people...can't know. So here I am.
Where to even start? I cannot physically keep up. I am at work most days at least 14 hours. Legally, that is all I can document. There are work hour restrictions on residents. We can only work 80 hours a week and we are supposed to have 10 hours off in between. The problem is that the work load did not decrease. So in reality the work is never done. I am never, ever caught up. There is always a pile of undone charts. There are always bucket loads of dictations to dictate. My pager is always on. People get confused on who they are supposed to page and end up paging all hours of the day and night. Right now I am on the gyn service (meaning I am doing all the non-OB surgical cases). I start getting text messages about who I need to round on, whoever was admitted overnight at 4 AM. Tomorrow I have two presentations to give, I am in the thick of a research project and I have several hours of work on that tonight waiting on me.
And, to add to the stress, I took Step 3 of the boards, which is a $900 test which lasts two 8-hour days, at the end of February. Usually, the scores take 4-6 weeks. But it just so happens that they are in the process of re-vamping the test and people who took the test after Feb 15th will not get their scores until June 7th. The problem is that my program will not offer me a contract for this coming year (July to July) unless I have a passing score. Usually contracts are offered in March. So, while I currently have a job, if I didn't pass this test, I will not have a job after July 1. The cost to retake the test will be over $1000. I will not have income for July or health insurance or even the promise of a spot if I am able to retake the test and pass it. We don't have any kind of money to deal with a situation of that magnitude. And it's not like I can just apply for another job. It simply does not work that way. This would be a game changer...possibly a career ender. Now, hopefully I passed the stupid test and this is a non-issue. But many very smart people have failed that test. I walked out of there feeling like it could go either way. There is not a stinking thing I can do about it. It's done, whichever way...but I cannot help but feel utterly desperate and sick over this. I wish the whole world would plead with the Lord to please let me have passed that test and that He would say yes. This level of anxiety is nearly more than I can handle.
Added to that, our program lost our gyn oncology service. We had 2 gyn onc doctors and they both left and we have been unable to fill those positions. So the way our program director solved the problem is to create an away rotation with another residency program in Dallas. Here's the problem. It's 4 weeks away from my family. They do not cover any expenses up-front, but they will reimburse us for housing and food while we are gone after we get and turn in our receipts. Again, I do not have that kind of money. I cannot pay for the extended stay hotel they have set up for us and pay for food and everything else and maintain a household here. And, there is no freaking way my car will make it there. I'm lucky that it makes it down the road to the hospital here. The AC is not working and the windows do not roll down. I do not have the money to throw at it right now and there is no way even if I made it to Dallas that a person can drive in Dallas in June with no AC and completely closed up windows. I'll die from heat stroke!
Mathematically I cannot make this thing work!!!! Plus, I am not sure what kind of disaster I will come home to if I am gone for 4 weeks. I'm not talking about just a messy house...I talking about some serious trouble. I cannot go into details, but suffice it to say that dh is severely depressed and not coping well and I am seriously fearful of what kind of shape my family will be in under that kind of financial stress and no mom at home at all for that length of time.
With all of this stress, our marriage is truly suffering. Dh is so down and has been for so long. We all walk on eggshells around him...and when he blows he is so hateful...Part of me wants to tell it all, but I really can't get into all of it.
I am just so tired, so hurt and so stressed about the very near future. We have been through some really tough stuff before, and in some ways I feel like this shouldn't compare at all. But I think it's the fact that the pressure is just building and building with no real relief in sight and it has been this way for so long...I am truly concerned that I may not make it through this intact. I am afraid my family is going to fall apart. I am afraid I am falling apart. I am afraid of what in creation we will do if I didn't pass that test and how in world we will make it through June. There just doesn't seem to be any solution....
*HUGS* God knows your needs and your heart, lean on Him.
