Post by justlostanangel on Mar 20, 2012 20:55:21 GMT -5
This week is Spring Break for all my kids; happy to have them home, and yet sad....The 1st baby I m/c'd was due in April; the 2nd, D&C was done in March 2011 (a few days ago, was the 1 yr mark). I'm trying, albeit foolishly, to keep busy so I don't have to think about how our house should have a little one pitter-pattering around. My husband doesn't even realize the significance of this time of year; it's no big deal to him, other than our boys are all home at the same time. There's been a lot of "issues" going on in our family, especially with our 14 y/o; there have been a few times when I really thought I might die from sheer heartbreak. I feel so alone; the times I've tried to talk to my husband, it turned into a fight. I don't have the strength anymore to fight with him, or try to explain it for the umpteenth time, so, although I hate to admit it, I've pretty much just stopped talking to him. We still have conversations, but they're very short, & mostly deal with meeting times, appointments, reminders, etc. When we first met, he would talk to me for literally HOURS, sing to me, hold my hand; he made me feel so cherished, and beautiful, and like I was the most important person in the world. Now, I feel like a maid, a laundry lady, & a body he can have sex with when he needs "release." I know a lot of it has to do with being married for all these years, but with everything we've been through the past few years, it just hurts to remember that I once was his sweetheart....and now, I feel like just a roommate. Other than here on SG, I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands just how much it hurts when you lose a child! And that sometimes it's odd, random things that can bring it to the forefront of your memory, & that pain is just as fresh & raw & awful as it was in the beginning. It's like, to him, I wasn't so far along, so it shouldn't matter so much....but it does! I know that losing a baby farther along in pregnancy would be even more devastating....but even in the 1st trimester, it still hurts! Your heart still breaks into a million little shards, you feel like you can't breathe.....you just want to crawl into the ground with your baby(ies)! I know it's different for men & women; we mommies have a connection with our babies, even early on. I'm sorry for this rambling post....not sure if it's even made sense, but I appreciate the chance to ramble & vent!