It's just more than I can take

[lostmom]

Trying to sleep, but my mind won't shut off. Pain...just lots of pain. I want to argue with God that it's not fair! I've had more than my share of pain in childbearing. So many NICU stays. One born at 28 weeks. Four losses. But I read the stories on here and feel I have no right to complain! My heart is broken in so many pieces right now and I wonder if, after all I've been through, it even resembles it's original state? And yet it breaks even more for those of you on here. It's not fair! Not for me or for you. But that won't change anything .

My older kids keep picking up on the fact that something is wrong. I have nowhere to go to just be alone. I have nothing to take my mind permanently off my situation for the next 4 weeks. I'm going mad!!! I want to scream. I want to run. I want to sleep...for a very, very long time.

[missingisaiah]

(((((HUGS))))) It isn't fair and it's o.k. to tell God so. He knows how you feel anyway. It's hard not to look around you and see the miracle babies and wonder why you didn't get that miracle too.
I wish you could get away for just a bit to scream and scream and cry and sleep.

[lostmom]

I did have a miracle baby. He was my 28 weeker. But it was the worst 10 weeks of my life! They told me he was dying. He looked dead to me. He had no air sacs...none. I learned way too much in those 10 weeks. Things I wish I was still naive to. I saw way too much death and heartache. But again, my little one made it. And he is healthy and active and soo smart! Which is a biggie since they wanted to give him a drug that had a side effect of causing an IQ of 60! Thank God He stepped in and sent a doc who wanted to try something experimental first. And it worked!!! That was our guy....everything was experimental. All but 2 of the docs were ready to give up on him. Even when his O2 sats were low. The one doc ( an older, short indian gentleman) looked at our ds and said "Well, I bet I wasn't satting any better than that when I was on Mt. Kilimanjaro. If I could do it, so can he!" The other docs went ballistic!

Thanks...I needed that reminder