Post by dawnglo on Jan 26, 2012 16:34:58 GMT -5
I feel like God has dangled the lure of motherhood and snatched it away from me too many times.
My first husband and I had talked about having children when we got married, but when we decided to try to start a family, he changed his mind, as he had a heart condition. It took some time, but I came to terms with it. And he and I had discussed possibly adopting, but we could not afford to do so yet. When I lost him due to surgical complications in 2005. It was hard to get over, but I thought that perhaps I'd have future hopes of having children if I was blessed to find the right partner again.
I remarried in 2007, but my husband - who has one child that was given up for adoption when he was a teen and one child from a previous marriage said he was not interested in having more kids. So once again, I had to make peace with the fact that motherhood was not my fate.
I thought perhaps I could find my need for motherhood fufilled with my stepson, but he is not open to me in any way and keeps me at arms length. It's heart breaking to love a child so much and be rejected.
A year into our marriage, my husband told me he realized he was being selfish and changed his mind about trying for a child. It took a year but we conceived in 2008. Our joy was cut short when the preganacy was lost at 6 weeks.
A year later, I was pregnant again, but lost it at 11 weeks.
I have not been able to get pregnant since. I am older (42). We cannot afford IVF or any other treatment and I am leery of Clomid.
I'm still grieving the losses, but after news that my brother in law and his wife are expecting, I'm back in a tailspin. I doesn't help that she has never been particularly nice to me, especially during my pregnancy losses.
My heart is broken and the grief just won't go away. I feel like you could drive a freight train through the hole in my heart.
I don't want my BIL to be deprived of joy, but I just cannot face the family. This type of grief is so isolating. It cannot be shared because if you haven't experienced it, you don't get it. I feel if my in laws see my sadness they will think I'm just being shelfish.
I had a wonderful mother and always thought I'd have children of my own, and it seems I'm denied at every turn. Like God is playing keep away the same way a playground bully would do.
I don't understand what he expects of me in the situation. I'm angry and hurt and feel very much misunderstood and alone. All I want is to be someone's mom.
Between the losses in my life and challenges being a stepmom, my heart is heavy. I cannot seem to shake this unbearable sadness. I take joy and comfort in the rare times when my family connects. But overall I feel like an outsider in my own life.
My first husband and I had talked about having children when we got married, but when we decided to try to start a family, he changed his mind, as he had a heart condition. It took some time, but I came to terms with it. And he and I had discussed possibly adopting, but we could not afford to do so yet. When I lost him due to surgical complications in 2005. It was hard to get over, but I thought that perhaps I'd have future hopes of having children if I was blessed to find the right partner again.
I remarried in 2007, but my husband - who has one child that was given up for adoption when he was a teen and one child from a previous marriage said he was not interested in having more kids. So once again, I had to make peace with the fact that motherhood was not my fate.
I thought perhaps I could find my need for motherhood fufilled with my stepson, but he is not open to me in any way and keeps me at arms length. It's heart breaking to love a child so much and be rejected.
A year into our marriage, my husband told me he realized he was being selfish and changed his mind about trying for a child. It took a year but we conceived in 2008. Our joy was cut short when the preganacy was lost at 6 weeks.
A year later, I was pregnant again, but lost it at 11 weeks.
I have not been able to get pregnant since. I am older (42). We cannot afford IVF or any other treatment and I am leery of Clomid.
I'm still grieving the losses, but after news that my brother in law and his wife are expecting, I'm back in a tailspin. I doesn't help that she has never been particularly nice to me, especially during my pregnancy losses.
My heart is broken and the grief just won't go away. I feel like you could drive a freight train through the hole in my heart.
I don't want my BIL to be deprived of joy, but I just cannot face the family. This type of grief is so isolating. It cannot be shared because if you haven't experienced it, you don't get it. I feel if my in laws see my sadness they will think I'm just being shelfish.
I had a wonderful mother and always thought I'd have children of my own, and it seems I'm denied at every turn. Like God is playing keep away the same way a playground bully would do.
I don't understand what he expects of me in the situation. I'm angry and hurt and feel very much misunderstood and alone. All I want is to be someone's mom.
Between the losses in my life and challenges being a stepmom, my heart is heavy. I cannot seem to shake this unbearable sadness. I take joy and comfort in the rare times when my family connects. But overall I feel like an outsider in my own life.
