Having those feelings again

[jilly423]

It's been 16 months since I gave birth and lost my daughter Julianna at 22wks pregnant. I don't know if its the fact that I should have been celebrating her 1st birthday based on EDD. Everyone that had their baby around Julianna's due date are posting their pics and celebrating the first year. Then there are so many people I know that are pregnant and I feel jealous and angry still. I want a baby so bad. I have now been told by OB that I'm not ovulating, so now that's a big slap in the face. Then my BF I don't think wants to try anyway, since he makes every excuse as to what needs to be done before we can try. I just feel like a big failure, first I couldn't carry a baby to term, now I can't get pregnant. I am not happy, I want to know why me? I know there is no answer. I get like this whenever AF shows up, but this month has been hard. I think it has to do with the news from the doctor. I have no one to talk to anymore, because those who were close to me distanced themselves after my loss. I want to talk to a counselor but there are none in my area that are close to my house and-or deal with perinatal bereavement. I just needed to vent and see if it's normal to feel this way.

[raosa]

Hello Jilly, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. I think it's important for you to find someone you can talk to in person, whether it's a new friend, a family member or a counselor.
What has helped me is having people around me who allow me to go through grief in my own way, without feeling frustrated or guilty. I hope you are able to find a person to talk to!

And good luck with your TTC efforts!

[Clara Hinton]

I'm so, so sorry to hear all of this.

After delivering my stillborn son, I can't even put into words the emotions I had. Those emotions stayed with me for a LONG time! Oh, how much I understand your feelings of failure!!! We feel like our bodies have failed us, and we feel so much like we've failed our families and friends by not giving them a beautiful baby to hold and to love. Again, I'm so very sorry.

Getting the news from your doctor that you've not been ovulating is a doubly whammy, for sure! I know this isn't always true, but many times it is -- "our emotions mess up some of our physical health". Maybe the stress of your loss and the desire to want another baby so bad are effecting your ability to ovulate. Just an idea. At any rate, please see a specialist and get further testing, and I would strongly urge you to see some additional support for yourself. This is so hard for you to carry by yourself.

Many times hospitals will have free support groups that meet once a month in your area. Or sometimes churches have support groups that can help. If that's not something you like, it also helps to journal your thoughts. I know it sounds silly to some, but I've found journaling something that really, really helps!

Just as an added encouragement, I want to remind you that "miracles do happen", and by that I mean that doctors cannot always predict what our bodies will do. Do not give up hope!

Love,
Clara