Major changes?

[missingisaiah]

For several months I've been debating make major changes in my life. The problem is I am not sure what I want to do exactly. I've been out of work for 3 years now, laid off. I've had a couple part-time temp jobs, but that's it. Right now I'm still recovering from major surgery and not allowed to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds (except John, but only because after 6 weeks I couldn't find anyone to watch him for free so the Dr. said she would allow, but not recommend I pick him up, as long as he's standing and it's not too often) so it's not like anyone is going to hire me right now. I won't be cleared until Feb. At least I hope the Dr. will release me from all restrictions in Feb.
I am thinking that since I haven't been able to find anything, if maybe I shouldn't make a career change. I keep thinking about how much the funeral home and memorial park people helped us. And I wonder if I shouldn't look into what it would take to work for either place. I know it will be difficult at times, especially if the funeral is for a baby. But, I keep thinking about it.
I am also thinking about the support group my husband keeps nagging me about. He wants us to start one. There is none in this area. There is a chapter of Compassionate Friends, but no one that attends has lost a baby, or even a young child. And since the area we live in has the highest infant mortality rate in the state (which if I had known that before we moved here I wouldn't have moved here), it makes me think that the chapter simply isn't welcoming to parents who've lost babies. So, husband wants us to start one up. I've been putting it off for many reasons, mainly because I felt I needed help and was not in the position to help. But also because I've never been to a support group so what do I know about running one? However, I am wondering if it's not time to start one up. Our church would be more than happy to let us meet there, but we are going to try a local bookstore too as that's a more neutral place.
So, have any of you made major changes after your child died? If so, what and how did it work out? And, am I nuts for thinking about these changes?

[myangelamanda]

I think if you're feeling like you want to make some major changes in your life then you should go for it whatever they may be. I, myself, could not work in a funeral home setting, but we're all different. I'd probably be more inclined to try to start a support group. Again, that's me.

Good luck with whatever you decide!! Keep us posted!!

[missingisaiah]

I don't know if I really want to work in a funeral home setting or if I am just getting desperate for a job or if I am just remembering with gratitude how the director and workers there were so sensitive when we were planning Isaiah's funeral.
And sometimes I wonder if I think a major change is going to somehow help me, somehow lessen my grief.

[jaredsmommyforever]

Brenda,

I agree with Michele that if you are ready for a change, then listen to your heart. You really might feel like it makes a difference for you. I also think that your instinct to give back is a beautiful one that will benefit many. We have a different relationship to death after going through this and we are in a special position to help others. Maybe look into both possibilities and see what feels like a fit when you find out more. There is no downside to that. If it doesn't feel right along the way, then you will at least know from experience rather than from wondering and you can make decisions accordingly.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[myangelamanda]

I love what Denise wrote. All of it. She's right. If it doesn't feel right then you will know rather than always wonder. LOVE that!!

You know what helped me? Seriously ... being over-the-top busy. Never having a minute to just sit and think. I know you wondered if anyone had a major change ... for me ... I volunteered for almost every single thing I could at school with my kids and with my church. No one turns down a volunteer as much as I wanted a paying job it just wasn't going to happen at that point in time and volunteering allowed me to bring my kids with me if I needed too ... I was so busy for the past 4 years it became overwhelming, but it helped when I needed that kind of help. This is the first year that I've scaled back significantly and resigned several positions at both school and church. I'm changing. I'm not feeling the absolute need to be constantly busy with things.

Whatever you end up doing I see this post as a positive step forward because you WANT to do SOMETHING. That's always the first step I think. To have desire again. Does your church have a bereavement group? Maybe you can start there and just be a volunteer who reaches out to other church members in their time? I was asked to actually head ours at my church, but declined as it was so early into my grief I don't think I could have handled it.

[missingisaiah]

Michele, our church doesn't have a bereavement group. It's a small church, fairly new, starting to grow in numbers. The people that do come are so loving. It's great. Maybe in the future they will have a group like that.
Funny how you keeping way too busy helped you. It actually made things much worse for me because all I could think of was, "If Isaiah was still alive, I wouldn't have time to do all these things." I ended up better off being not so busy. I am the only person I know of that did not find being busy helpful.
I wish I could just make up my mind what I want to do and then figure out how to do it. I feel so unsettled right now and at the same time like everything is on hold. (probably because I am waiting for the surgeon to release me from all restriction)

[weeblemom]

I agree with the above posts. I think after our experiences, we have a deeper understanding of grief than most people do and a greater level of compassion for the bereaved. I know you would be a blessing to others who have experienced loss. You are a great blessing to me! I think anything you do in that area, whether it be a paid position or volunteer, would be a great way to honor Isaiah.

[missingisaiah]

Our church is super supportive of the idea of a support group. They are all for us using the church building. I'm just trying to get some more info, like do we have to have insurance, good sources for handouts, etc.