Post by sunflowersmom on Dec 30, 2011 22:20:17 GMT -5
Please let me know if I am posting too much. I've been doing some tough grief work so I have a lot to say. 
The New Year for me is like any other day that confirms the passage of time since my daughter’s death. If you’ve lost someone close to you, you know that all of the days that we all take for granted as being happy days (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year’s etc) are the days that become the most painful and real.
I thought with the New Year upon us that today is as good a day as any to focus on my appreciation for my life and the people and experiences who have helped shape me today. I haven’t always been appreciative of my life and my experiences or the people who taught me the most. I’ve had my resentments and my regrets. I’ve had my irrational wishes and “if onlys”…
And I am still struggling.
I’ve noticed that it is easy to take the victim role and make excuses for the way our lives have gone or for the way they “should have” turned out. For not being happy. I certainly struggle with this having been through so much in my life. When my daughter died, I was so mad at God. I couldn’t understand it: If God loved me so much, why he would take my baby away from me? It took me working through my grief (which is not that easy by the way) and it took me struggling to realize that death is a part of life and I probably will not know why my baby died but that it most likely was not God’s personal vendetta against me.
It’s definitely easier to blame someone else or blame an experience for why I am not personally, happy. But that is not where growth comes from. Growth comes from facing your personal battles head on. Not by getting stuck in the illusions of being victim, or broken. My loss does not define me. However, my baby girl is and will always be a huge part of me.
The thing about the victim role, is that, like anything else in life it is a choice. We can choose to feel sorry for ourselves and place blame or we can learn from our mistakes, learn from our interactions with others, and learn from our experiences. I’ve definitely had a very recent emotional “growth spurt” as I’ve discovered how to change a lot of the qualities I don’t like about myself.
As for my past, was it ideal? Definitely not. But when you lose someone close to you, especially as a growing baby inside of you, you are given the opportunity to live each moment as if it were you last. There really is “no day but today” (Rent). It’s all we have for certain.
The New Year for me is like any other day that confirms the passage of time since my daughter’s death. If you’ve lost someone close to you, you know that all of the days that we all take for granted as being happy days (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year’s etc) are the days that become the most painful and real.
I thought with the New Year upon us that today is as good a day as any to focus on my appreciation for my life and the people and experiences who have helped shape me today. I haven’t always been appreciative of my life and my experiences or the people who taught me the most. I’ve had my resentments and my regrets. I’ve had my irrational wishes and “if onlys”…
And I am still struggling.
I’ve noticed that it is easy to take the victim role and make excuses for the way our lives have gone or for the way they “should have” turned out. For not being happy. I certainly struggle with this having been through so much in my life. When my daughter died, I was so mad at God. I couldn’t understand it: If God loved me so much, why he would take my baby away from me? It took me working through my grief (which is not that easy by the way) and it took me struggling to realize that death is a part of life and I probably will not know why my baby died but that it most likely was not God’s personal vendetta against me.
It’s definitely easier to blame someone else or blame an experience for why I am not personally, happy. But that is not where growth comes from. Growth comes from facing your personal battles head on. Not by getting stuck in the illusions of being victim, or broken. My loss does not define me. However, my baby girl is and will always be a huge part of me.
The thing about the victim role, is that, like anything else in life it is a choice. We can choose to feel sorry for ourselves and place blame or we can learn from our mistakes, learn from our interactions with others, and learn from our experiences. I’ve definitely had a very recent emotional “growth spurt” as I’ve discovered how to change a lot of the qualities I don’t like about myself.
As for my past, was it ideal? Definitely not. But when you lose someone close to you, especially as a growing baby inside of you, you are given the opportunity to live each moment as if it were you last. There really is “no day but today” (Rent). It’s all we have for certain.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern.Beautiful people do not just happen.”
~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross