Post by springtimebabe on Dec 19, 2011 6:21:53 GMT -5
On 12.18, it will be 3 years since we lost our Angel Baby that we named Stardust. We got that name from a poster in my ob/gyn's office, which read: " Babies are bits of stardust blown from God's hand."
I went in to the ER on 12/16 at 2:30 am because I stood up and felt like I sprung a leak. I did. It was bright red blood. After all the nurses trying to find the heartbeat via a doppler, our loss was confirmed about 1-2 hrs later on the u/s screen.
My regular ob/gyn that I had to follow up with the next day has several dr's in his practice but he refused me a D&C until the "Holidays" were over and tried to schedule the surgery for 1/9/09!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was an awful long time for me to wait. I went home upset. My bleeding stopped. The m/c was not happening and I couldn't bear waiting.
I called the dr and he prescribed several pills (cytotec?) and I picked them up at the pharmacy, popped them in my mouth in the car (dangerous but I didn't know) and within 20 mins I was bleeding....within 24 hrs I was having labor-like contractions...not as painful but enough to make me have to curl up and cry for several hrs. Then, I felt gush and some relief. I ran into the bathroom and it was a mess. I thought that was the end. I cried harder. I looked outside and it was snowing and I got SO FURIOUS at God. I renounced my Lord and Savior and cried. It was indeed one of the few DARK moments in my life. My dh (df then) talked to me through the door and was there with me all along. I would not let him in the bathroom of course. Too much blood. I threw my clothes in a plastic bag and started to run the shower. I suddenly got a feeling that there was something in my vagina and a slight urge to push. I tried to make it to the toilet but it was too late. The entire gestational sac with our baby inside came out and I caught it. I could not resist looking in awe of the most perfect looking baby.....10 fingers and toes, eyes and was 3D and was an almost a transparent white in color. He/she was perfect as could be from what my eyes could tell. My dh couldn't handle looking and I still feel alone in that respect. It was his baby too and although the baby was not alive, that would have been the only time we, together, would have seen Stardust aside from the u/s screen.
3 1/2 months later, I needed a d&c because the bleeding never stopped 100%. That d&c started my uterine lining over for a fresh start.
Angel dates pass and no one remembers but me. I will never forget the experiences and dates.
Other than my first loss having been my first loss, Stardust's loss was so hurtful because of the unnecessary visual I got stuck with. I know it happens to women like that all of the time naturally. But, for the doctor to not think of my dh and I suffering and waiting during HIS holiday schedule still stings.
I cry as I look at Tobias because he truly is a gift that I am grateful that God found us worthy of and is untrusting us with.
I went in to the ER on 12/16 at 2:30 am because I stood up and felt like I sprung a leak. I did. It was bright red blood. After all the nurses trying to find the heartbeat via a doppler, our loss was confirmed about 1-2 hrs later on the u/s screen.
My regular ob/gyn that I had to follow up with the next day has several dr's in his practice but he refused me a D&C until the "Holidays" were over and tried to schedule the surgery for 1/9/09!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was an awful long time for me to wait. I went home upset. My bleeding stopped. The m/c was not happening and I couldn't bear waiting.
I called the dr and he prescribed several pills (cytotec?) and I picked them up at the pharmacy, popped them in my mouth in the car (dangerous but I didn't know) and within 20 mins I was bleeding....within 24 hrs I was having labor-like contractions...not as painful but enough to make me have to curl up and cry for several hrs. Then, I felt gush and some relief. I ran into the bathroom and it was a mess. I thought that was the end. I cried harder. I looked outside and it was snowing and I got SO FURIOUS at God. I renounced my Lord and Savior and cried. It was indeed one of the few DARK moments in my life. My dh (df then) talked to me through the door and was there with me all along. I would not let him in the bathroom of course. Too much blood. I threw my clothes in a plastic bag and started to run the shower. I suddenly got a feeling that there was something in my vagina and a slight urge to push. I tried to make it to the toilet but it was too late. The entire gestational sac with our baby inside came out and I caught it. I could not resist looking in awe of the most perfect looking baby.....10 fingers and toes, eyes and was 3D and was an almost a transparent white in color. He/she was perfect as could be from what my eyes could tell. My dh couldn't handle looking and I still feel alone in that respect. It was his baby too and although the baby was not alive, that would have been the only time we, together, would have seen Stardust aside from the u/s screen.
3 1/2 months later, I needed a d&c because the bleeding never stopped 100%. That d&c started my uterine lining over for a fresh start.
Angel dates pass and no one remembers but me. I will never forget the experiences and dates.
Other than my first loss having been my first loss, Stardust's loss was so hurtful because of the unnecessary visual I got stuck with. I know it happens to women like that all of the time naturally. But, for the doctor to not think of my dh and I suffering and waiting during HIS holiday schedule still stings.
I cry as I look at Tobias because he truly is a gift that I am grateful that God found us worthy of and is untrusting us with.
