Post by angelgirldeepeyes on Dec 14, 2011 13:58:47 GMT -5
Ever since I was a little girl I had dreamed of being a mother. Which I know is typical but I had always loved holding and spending time with babies and children smaller than I. When I married the love of my life I wanted/want nothing more than to have his children. To have a precious little life growing inside of me thats half of the wonderful man that is my husband, is all I've wanted.
The first time I miscarried I was at work just working, I didnt even know I was pregnant. All I know is that I was have a bit of pain and discomfort. So I went to the restroom hoping I would feel better if I went to the bathroom. And blood came out like rain and wouldnt stop for like ten minutes. I didnt know what was happening to me. It wasnt till later I found out that I had lost a baby that I didnt even know I had. My husband and I at the time werent even trying to concieve yet. But this is what started our trying. Cause I wanted a baby so bad.
I then started getting sick some months later with a a mystery illness that caused great pain and weakened my immune system. I had lost 13 pounds in one week and all together now about 20 and counting.
Then last week I started feeling like I could be pregnant. So last wenesday I bought a pregnancy test and took it. Two blue lines and I was smiling. I had a baby growing inside me. I was so happy. I would finally be a mother and I would have a child that would one day call me mommy.
But the next morning I went to school feeling off. Then I got an overpowering weakness that it me like a ton of rocks. I started passing out in class. I was bleeding......
Then I called my gyn they told me to come in but not to drive myself. Though weak I was frantic calling everyone
i could think of. But no one was able to come. Then my phone screen went black. I passed out again. Then a girl from class offered to drive me to my gyn.
I got there and my gyn exammed me, I was passing cluts and tissue and it wasnt stopping. So she called an ambulence and sent me to the ER. I was in pain now. but too weak to cry, I knew 'i was losing my baby.
As soon as I got their I got morphine put in my IV So I didnt catch or understand much of what was going. I heard something about a possible blood transfusion but I never got it.
Then when it was all over I was able to see that I had lost my precious baby that never really got the chance to live.
I would never get a chance to hold him or her.
I would never know the precious little person that I lost.
I would never hear my baby say mommy.
I never got the chance to love my precious little baby.
Now my baby is in the arms of my heavenly Father who is caring for him or her for me.
I guess he or she was ripped from me cause perhaps I was too weak I dont know.
All that I know is that heart shattering was left in my babys place.
And now I sit here silently grieving no one sees me mourning the loss
I hide so well behind a mask that I somehow put up without even knowing.
When will I hope again?
Will I ever be well enough to have a baby?
How do you strenthen an immune system that has weaken without knowing the cause?
I lost my child to be but I'm still a mother at heart.
And I am silently mourning my sweet angel that I'll never get to hold, I'll never get to love in this life.
