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Post by missingisaiah on Nov 21, 2011 23:26:29 GMT -5
When I hear/read about miracles that occur with people's babies/children, I get so jealous. Of course I am glad they got a miracle and didn't lose their child, but I wanted a miracle too and I didn't get one.
Then I feel like a horrible person for being jealous. I wish I could just be happy for them and that was the only emotion I felt, but it's not.
This week I heard of two such miracles. It just makes the pain of my loss even sharper and I find myself really angry at God again, angry because He gives other people the miracle I wanted.
I also find myself finding it difficult to reach out to others who have gone through the loss of a child, difficult to hear their stories. Difficult to remember their hard days and let them know I am thinking about them.
No doubt the holiday season is part of the reason for all my crazy feelings.
I just want Isaiah back and I want him back right now!!!!!!!!
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Post by weeblemom on Nov 22, 2011 21:13:12 GMT -5
(((((HUGS))))
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Post by myangelamanda on Nov 23, 2011 8:09:29 GMT -5
((((((((Brenda))))))))))
I think this is so normal. I know I have those moments of jealousy as well and, like you, I am so happy another family doesn't know this pain, but I also wish I didn't know it.
I wanted a miracle for Caroline and her family. I never really realized just how much I wanted it for another family until faced with almost an identical situation. When they didn't get theirs I was literally distraught and angry all over again. Not just for their family, but for all of the people who were friends with both Amanda and Caroline ... that they're group of friends are only 15 years old and know this type of loss too. It just doesn't seem right or fair to anyone involved.
You know the holiday's are the worst for these feelings like you said. I want Isaiah back for you!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))))
xox
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Post by ourprincesschloe on Nov 30, 2011 2:01:49 GMT -5
((((Brenda)))) I have a Facebook friend who ? posted once that Jealousy was a feeling only insecure people feel. That's a bunch of bull. We all know jealousy whether we like to admit it or not. I get jealous when I hear of these miracles too sometimes, but what makes me even ANGRIER is when people say that "their prayers were answered." Seriously? So, God has favorites? He gives you what you most desire ONLY if you pray enough? Don't believe it. I was a good, generous, loving person before Chloe died. Why wouldn't he answer my prayers? AND, please, please don't tell me that He did, but I just didn't get the answer I wanted. grrrr. . .
You've heard said, "That's what poor people say to make themselves feel better." in reference to the saying "Money doesn't buy happiness."? Well, I feel the same in this scenario, saying that God answers every prayer is a statement ONLY someone who hasn't lost a child would say.
When I pray for someone, I pray for their peace. I pray to touch their heart and soul with good energy. I do not ask God to help them live or heal. I just can't believe that He consciously decides to make that interaction on a daily level.
Am I the only one who feels that way? Am I crazy?
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Post by myangelamanda on Nov 30, 2011 12:42:50 GMT -5
saying that God answers every prayer is a statement ONLY someone who hasn't lost a child would say. When I pray for someone, I pray for their peace. I pray to touch their heart and soul with good energy. I do not ask God to help them live or heal. I just can't believe that He consciously decides to make that interaction on a daily level. Am I the only one who feels that way? Am I crazy? I couldn't have said what you wrote any better so no you're not the only one who feels this way. If you're crazy then so am I, but loosing a child and crazy seem to go hand in hand ... at least for me. I mean I have never in my life thought the types of things we all think and write about here until I lost Amanda. There is nothing harder than wanting something we can't have no matter how jealous we may feel. At least with material items we can compensate ... find comparable "things" ... but we're talking about the life of our child. There is no compensation ... there is nothing comparable ... there is NEVER any way to let the jealousy dissipate because we will NEVER get what we lost back no matter what. (((hugs))) |
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Post by missingisaiah on Nov 30, 2011 21:48:55 GMT -5
Thanks ladies. It's nice to be understood.
As for being crazy and losing a child going hand in hand, isn't that the truth!
Chris, when Isaiah died, my grandmother-in-law told me it was my fault because I didn't pray hard enough and have enough faith. Apparently everyone else that prayed had enough faith and prayed hard enough, in her opinion. Last I checked, God didn't need my faith to rule the world. But, hey, what do I know.
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Post by myangelamanda on Dec 1, 2011 8:48:00 GMT -5
OMG Brenda!!! I remember you sharing that with us years ago!! I am so sorry someone actually said that to you ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) and it's someone who honestly should know better than to ever say something so cold hearted to another person let alone their great-grandchild's mother!!
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