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Post by justlostanangel on Sept 26, 2011 9:22:07 GMT -5
Friday will be my "should have been" EDC with the 2nd baby I lost. The 4th was the 1 yr mark of my 1st m/c. Needless to say, this has been a hard month!  I'm really struggling with depression, despite being on medication. Intellectually, I know that losing my babies was NOT a judgment from God, a lack of faith, etc....but, my heart..well, that's a different story! When I was a kid, I felt like I could talk to God any time, anywhere, about anything; now, I struggle with feeling like I'm not worthy of talking to Him. I know that a lot of that is Satan or his minions trying to knock me down & keep me down. I want so desperately to be able to have that childlike faith again, to feel connected to God again. I feel like I take 2 steps forward....and 50 back. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say; I guess what I'm trying to find out is how do I get back to a closer relationship with God? How do I push through all this negative thinking, & fully rely on Him? How can I get all those thoughts that say I'm unworthy, I'm nothing, I'm a failure, etc to go away & stay away?? I know I'm a child of God...but lately I feel like I'm not worthy of being that. I....well, sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind trying to process everything that's happened. I don't want to become an agnostic, or back-slide, but it's like I feel like I can't move. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well; hope this message make some sort of sense! Anyone have any advice, ideas, suggestions?? Thanks again for listening! |
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Sara
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Posts: 175
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Post by Sara on Sept 26, 2011 11:43:00 GMT -5
For me, what works for me is sitting in a quiet room, kids are in bed, etc... and I say, "I know You are listening, this is what I have to say..." and then I spill my guts. I talk as if He was really sitting beside me, holding my hand... most of the time I feel relief, a lot of times peace. I cry most of the time. It leaves me feeling raw but I know it was needed. I remind myself that in my hardest of times, my darkest moments that's when He was with me, carrying me. Don't ever doubt that He isn't with you - because He is, always.
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Sara
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Posts: 175
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Post by Sara on Sept 26, 2011 11:43:58 GMT -5
Some of my favorites, thought I would share...
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in
trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do
change” (Psalm 46:1-2a)
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Post by justlostanangel on Sept 26, 2011 18:06:21 GMT -5
Sara--thank you so much for your kind words!!! The verse about "crushed in spirit" just nailed it!! Perfect description of how I feel!! I'm trying to cling to the knowledge that He's always there, even if it seems like He's not...just having a hard time lately. Thanks again!
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Post by bbear on Sept 26, 2011 20:47:36 GMT -5
i think taking some quiet alone time helps tons! I sometimes go for early morning walks after i put dd on the bus for school and I just talk to God. The peace from God is better than any feeling on earth and I hope you find it!
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Post by justlostanangel on Sept 27, 2011 21:49:12 GMT -5
Thanks Brandy!! Searching for that peace....
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Healthylife4 Tori
Full Member
A bear ever how hard he tries grows tubby without excerise- Winnie the Pooh
Posts: 334
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Post by Healthylife4 Tori on Oct 1, 2011 14:14:17 GMT -5
((( Just lost a angel)) To be honest for myself I have just said God I need you im hurting. And some how he always manged to send me comfort. I tried to each day find something good in my life. Just this past week I was really depressed because my oldest child who is almost 18 has moved with his dad. It is a matter of him wanting to go where the rules are lax. I have been taking this empty nest thing hard. So bad I set up a session with a counsler to learn how to deal with that type of depression. And to be honest i have never been one to believe in counslers. I Believed God could heal my heart.Which he can of course but i needed a person to listen. Anyway to make a long story short I realized in the past when i was younger when i was facing a hard time God would usually Bless me with a pregnancy. Then i would feel like God approved of me.- Now im older I have medical problems, pcos etc. It has been strugggle to conceive. Well this morning i found out im expecting once again. - But since i have had 3 losses i know at anytime i could lose my baby.- And it is a miracle each day. I guess my point of telling you all this is God is always near you hon.- I will probally keep my appointment with counsler- to help me through my pregnancy and to deal with my son. We both have older kids, its hard. Just listen he will speak to you. For a few months now I have avoided sitting in the service during songs. I could not take the songs about heaven. It takes time to heal God is always there and waiting. I wasnt trying to make this post about me. I just wanted to let you know Im familiar with pain and even for me as a christian it was so hard to attend church.- But each day i just said Lord thank you for the blessings I do have and help me through all this heartbreak. My heart is with you this month |
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Post by billiejo on Oct 2, 2011 14:00:26 GMT -5
Oh I needed that to ty azch
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Post by justlostanangel on Oct 3, 2011 13:32:27 GMT -5
Tori & azch--Thanks!! I do talk to God, but it's usually about other people. For whatever reasons, it's easier to pray for someone else than me! I'm glad that He's patient with us; I know that He knows what it's like to have to watch your child die. Anyway, thanks for all the support!
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Post by dawn on Oct 3, 2011 15:43:42 GMT -5
Sorry I haven't posted until now. I think you've gotten some good advice. And girl, do I understand the "it's eaasier to pray for someone else than me!" Just wanted to send you some extra (((hugs))))
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Post by justlostanangel on Oct 3, 2011 17:30:24 GMT -5
Dawn---Thanks so much!! Those hugs were greatly needed!! {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you too!
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Post by angelgirldeepeyes on Dec 14, 2011 13:27:01 GMT -5
I know how you feel I just had suffered my second miscarriage on thursday. I had barely discovered I was pregnant the day before. I had been roughly 3 weeks along. My husband and I had been trying for about 5 months now. I had been barely thanking God for the blessing. And Thursday the bleeding started and wouldnt stop. I was passing out from the blood loss. I was sent to the ER and was put on morphine. I almost needed a blood transfusion. And the only message I got was that my precious baby that was growing inside of me was now gone. I could barely speak all I could do was cry without sound. I could barely eat. I pray that the Lord in heaven would soon take away my pain. At least I know he is taking care of my baby. So if you ever need a fellow christian woman's shoulder to cry on I'm here for you. and though I dont know your name the Lord does and I wil keep you in my prayers.
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Post by justlostanangel on Dec 15, 2011 21:31:50 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you!! It's unbelievably kind of you to reach out in the midst of your own pain!! I appreciate that offer; and the same goes to you....I'm here for you, too, if you ever need to talk!
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Post by springtimebabe on Dec 22, 2011 2:13:13 GMT -5
((((((((HUGS sweetie)))))))))
What happened to me is that it got so dark that I felt like I was already in h*ll. I renounced God a few times and those words came out of my mouth instead of a prayer. Time went by. If anyone even mentioned God or a bible verse, I got infuriated.
So many losses and the way each one occured and how twisted the ectopic pregnancies were....OH LORD those were hard because there is a bible verse that says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart".
That was a huge poster in a small store that went out of biz but some church used the space to have some sort of pro-life mission...not 100% sure. But, I had to pass that every day and it angered me.
2 of my babies never even implanted in my uterus "womb" is the way I took it. I have one damaged tube and the other one had to be surgically removed because it ruptured.
I spent a lot of time trying to not believe in God anymore. I lost my faith as you mentioned...the child-like type of faith. I lost trust in God because I placed my faith in Him each pregnancy and lost a little bit more faith with each loss and b.s. going on my life.
What I guess I am trying to say is that we can go in one direction with God or the opposite. The grey area is a struggle. The "with God" is just peace, comfort and joy. The complete dark end of the deal is living h*ll. I got to a point where I couldn't take the darkness from within me or outside me. Bad, bad energy was encompassing my whole life.
It's not easy when you are in that struggle with prayer. Prayer is a gift and the evil one is certainly going to go after your spirit right there. I like some of what the ladies mentioned above. You are not unworthy to pray. If you feel you need to just list off all the sins you think you committed, then talk to God about that. Say it out loud in your alone time. God forgives. Putting complete trust in God to answer you prayers in the ttc era....then you have to put that same level of trust in Him to have faith that your baby will make it. That's a lot of trust to put in God's hand. What I found much easier is to get through each hour and each day first before I could put all my trust in God for a tremendous amount of time...That brought me peace daily and that's good because we're not supposed to worry. It's #1 bad for us but it's also a way to cause a struggle with your faith in God.
Not sure how to end this. It just flowed and my eyelids just got really heavy.
One day at a time...
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Post by justlostanangel on Dec 26, 2011 0:13:27 GMT -5
springtimebabe---{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you!! Thanks for your kind words & understanding!! It truly IS one day at a time....sometimes, one minute at a time! I'm glad that you found your way back to God!
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