Post by keith on Jul 22, 2011 13:46:04 GMT -5
Hi, I'm new here. I am a 54 year old father, my loss was many years ago. 37 years ago I was a young, excited, insanely happy father to be. My little girl, Helana was born with extensive brain damage. She was placed on life support, and through 5 days of testing we were told she would never draw a breath on her own. We were also told we needed to make a decision as to whether or not to withdraw life support. My young wife withdrew, isolated and couldn't deal with the situation at all. The decision fell to me.... A decision I've never quite come to grips with... or forgiven myself for. I felt I had no choice, the bills were piling up fast, I was told she would never know us, it was for the best, on and on. I couldn't let go, I just held her, and held her...... until, on the fifth day, I said ok....... remove the life support. They did....while I held her in my arms. As she passed she opened her eyes..... looked deep into mine and died. And so did I......... I was told it was physical reaction, she wasn't really looking at me...... I don't know.
My wife left the hospital, then blamed me, then left me. we were so young. The hospital provided cremation services , gave me her ashes and a bill for many thousands of dollars. No counseling in those days. I have battled addictions, depression, self esteem, self hated issues, for my entire life. I am clean and sober 16 years and have worked hard to learn to love and forgive myself, to become well balanced, to heal. Through many years of addiction counseling I have been successful in many areas. In this one there have been none who could relate, really understand, or help.
I have been married for 28 years, have a beautiful family, 3 fantastic children. I am blessed. But even my wife of 28 years cannot relate to the loss, As Dr Burton Grebin said "To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself" Maybe a piece is ok as long as it isn't all of myself..... It was for many years. I still think of her, love her everyday, every minute. Her exact looks have dimmed over the years as I've never had a picture, that saddens me. though I remember mostly what she looks like. My story is of success, failure, sadness, peace, regret, victory, like most other lives. I differ little. I have shared this with so few, maybe sharing it will help me, maybe it will help others. I still struggle, but I am happy, I have learned to choose joy most days, and to live, to bring joy to others.
My wife left the hospital, then blamed me, then left me. we were so young. The hospital provided cremation services , gave me her ashes and a bill for many thousands of dollars. No counseling in those days. I have battled addictions, depression, self esteem, self hated issues, for my entire life. I am clean and sober 16 years and have worked hard to learn to love and forgive myself, to become well balanced, to heal. Through many years of addiction counseling I have been successful in many areas. In this one there have been none who could relate, really understand, or help.
I have been married for 28 years, have a beautiful family, 3 fantastic children. I am blessed. But even my wife of 28 years cannot relate to the loss, As Dr Burton Grebin said "To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself" Maybe a piece is ok as long as it isn't all of myself..... It was for many years. I still think of her, love her everyday, every minute. Her exact looks have dimmed over the years as I've never had a picture, that saddens me. though I remember mostly what she looks like. My story is of success, failure, sadness, peace, regret, victory, like most other lives. I differ little. I have shared this with so few, maybe sharing it will help me, maybe it will help others. I still struggle, but I am happy, I have learned to choose joy most days, and to live, to bring joy to others.