Post by Sara on Jun 19, 2011 12:43:51 GMT -5
I'm hesitant to admit - but I know this is the only place I can come with little to none judgement - that I'm in a dark place right now. I realized it this morning after waking from a fitful night of tossing and turning and endless nightmares. This is a common occurrence for me recently and I'm beyond exhausted. We all know that without sleep the rest of life is hard to function through. I am not eating the way I should be and the relationship with my husband is tense at times. My 7 year old son even sees me struggling to get up and get dressed in the morning and he comes to me all the time with hugs or stands and watches me from the end of the hallway. I want desperately to tell him that its just because I'm thinking of his baby brother or sister... but I can't seem to get the words out with out crying. My PCP prescribed a few things for me, including another anti anxiety/depressant just days after the last miscarriage but I haven't been able to start anything because of the hospital stay after for my kidneys and now that I'm home I don't think it'd be a good idea to mix with the Percosets because of the surgery for my gall bladder. Even more upsetting is that I am still having issues peeing/getting it all out without pain. I am on antibiotics still for the infections (it was 2 weeks ago today that I was rushed by ambulance) as well as one that will make me want to go (given to male patients with prostate issues). My follow up with the Urologist is on Wednesday - I'm praying they don't stick me with another catheter - its painful but I do realize necessary - I fear I'll have to come home with more medications or worse with another folley bag. I'm too young to be losing sensation of my bladder and until we can get my kidneys back to normal function our RE will not work with us - the MFM DR I spoke with earlier this week agreed - do not get pregnant - it could land you back in the hospital or worse. (sigh) There's just so much going on and I am feeling so very overwhelmed. ON top of this - our daughter, Layla has been with our in laws since mid-May. She was due to come back to us the first week of June but when I ended up in the hospital they agreed to hold onto her until I was back on my feet. I miss her so much but I'm so afraid I won't be able to keep up with her and be the best Mommy I can to her now (she comes home on the 25th). Maybe she'll help me more through this but I'm still at the point that going up the stairs or this morning walking to the end of the driveway for the Sunday paper was exhausting. I cringe even more - if that's even possible - that I've agreed to go back to work the 2nd week of July (I have my own cleaning business) and I have all but filled up for the last 2 weeks of July. I'm worried I'm over my head already... but I want desperately a sense of normalcy again. This is by far the worst miscarriage and I don't know what to do from here on out. (I know what is expected of me and I will do it... but how far will I get?)
