new here and sad

[noisykea]

Hi all
I stumbled across your boards after a really bad day today.

My family and I are from NZ. We have two great kids and for the most part a great married life but today was horrible.

Last week i was in hideous pain and collapsed at work on thursday, got hubby to pick me up and went to doc who decided i was ok. Friday i was back at work and got hubby to pick me up at lunch in hideous pain again. after an hour or so laying down hubby said he thought my lower abdomen was swelling and requested i went back to doc.

I found out that friday i was pregnant, a huge suprise as i was mid period. then before i knew it i had drips shoved in my arms and put in back of an ambulance and taken to hospital.
Everything from there is a blur but it ended up with me having an ectopic removed along with my right tube.

I know i am not the first and nor will i be the last to feel an unbelievable loss due to all this but i am struggling quite bad and dont know where to turn.

I wrote a letter to hubby as he doesnt understand what i am goign through so figured i would post it here too.

"I know we talked about a 3rd child but the practical side of me really didnt want to be pregnant right now - where would we put a baby? how would it not disrupt your turn to go back to uni and do something finally for you ? how woudl we afford it?
the selfish side of me didnt want a baby because how coudl we keep up our current lifestyle ? i would just get fatter again etc..

then that night in the hospital you changed my mind.. we always afford things, we always get through, we could re arrange rooms, uni can wait... i am NOT blaming you for it we were discussing it like a couple and my mind started to change. I started putting my hand on my belly , hoping with all my heart that all would be ok, thinking about how this child could only enrich our family life for us and our gorgeous dd and ds too. knowing in my head that it was probably never going to be.

Then the ultrasound... god it hurt and i wanted you with me but you coudnt be there. When she said "all i can tell you is its not in your uterus" I wanted to break down then and there but then the pain kicked in and i coudlnt focus on what we were losing. I laid in that emergency room with you and i remember you holding my hand and telling me to breath while all i could do was look at a green wire in teh roof and tell myself this wasnt the same as giving birth.
I remember getting the meds and passing out with you right beside me just like you promised and i remember saying goodbye to you as they put me onto the ward and you had to leave.

I remember being on my own and wanting to cry and scream and hate the world for it all but not being able to as not wanting to wake up the others in my room. I remember the pain that night and the next morning and i remember the panic when i took that first bit of morphine and my chest went all tight.

i remember consciously thinkign to myself that i had to be ok when you got there to see me the next day, to not be sad for your sake and i think at that point i was just focused on us and on getting through it all.

I remember you holding my hand during the second ultrasound, you more worried about the cervix mass i think and me more worried about blocking out whatever he was going to say about my tubes cause i didnt want to hear it. I remember squeezing your hand and again telling myself just cause my legs were up it wasnt the same as giving birth.

I remember holding my belly for days and having to remind myself each time it was the pain and not a baby i was holding.

I remember when the surgeon said they were going to operate and being so f**&ing scared but having to hold it togehter and i remember feeling so stupid because i coudlnt focus on what she was saying they were going to do to me.

I rememer laying on that gurney in the pre surgery part after saying goodbye to you and holding my belly and saying goodbye to a baby that woudl never be. And mabye you are right in thinking that a group of cells stuck in a tube does not a baby make but in my stoned, pained and stressed out stupour it was to me. I also know why you are thinking that way and i understand it is your way of not losing your mind like i feel i am. I remember just wanting to hold dd and ds sooo bloody bad.

I remember waking up talking to you and loving you so much but you couldnt be there. I rememer thinking i had to be able to make the right words with my mouth on the phone to you to make sure you thought i was ok even though i felt like a part of me had died.

I remember wakign up and you were just there, with flowers and your smile and a hug and god i loved you for being you and i forgot about the baby and the loss i felt straight away.

I remember the doc saying aboutt he increased risks and you saying you coudnt watch me go through that again and me saying i coudnt go through that pain again and all of a sudden it was like the world had taken away our choice.

i do have a lot to process and i will and you know even just writing it down, even if you never read it all has probably helped more than i thought it would.

I love you and i will go back to being me.. I just have to figure out who this new me is first a bit i guess. Please be patient with me even if you cant help me fix me. xxx "

anyway if you read through all this thank you. I guess I am just here to read how others are feeling and to know i am not alone in this.

[justlostanangel]

Oh, sweetie!!! I'm so sorry for your loss, & that you had such pain during it!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you!! You are NOT alone in this, & please feel free to post here as often as you'd like!! The ladies here have been so good to me, & helped me get through a very dark place & time. One of the other ladies here said it well; you have to adapt to a "new normal," and it truly stinks! Everyone processes their grief differently; sometimes you'll find yourself feeling better, then something or someone will trigger tears again....and that's OK!!!! We're all here for you!

[noisykea]

thankyou so much just
yesterday truly was an awful day, aiming for today to be better

[sparrowsmommy]

You are most definitely not alone, all of us here understand the pain and sadness you're feeling. You carried a child and lost that child, and that is something that takes time to heal from. You will find yourself going back and forth between the stages of grief, some days you feel like you are moving forward and some days you feelike you are falling backwards and that is normal, there is no right way to mourn and we all experience it differently. Know that we are all here for the journey, feel free to post here and post as often as you need to! We have all experienced every sad and angry feeling you may experience and are more than willing to share with you and offer any advice we have.(((hugs)))

[mom4ever]

I am soooooooo sorry you lost your baby

Just last week? Oh.... My gosh, please, it's impossible to predict how and when the feelings and reactions of grief will happen, and other people don't have any comprehension about it, please, be gentle with yourself, it's okay to grieve. I am sooo sorry this has happened, and what a way for things to happen, shocking it seems..

[noisykea]

thank you so much ladies.
i think its just nice to be heard.
I am supposed to be back at work tomorrow and physically i am still pretty bruised up, my left side wound from the op is gettng better but still not nice and although today has been a better day the thought of returning to work makes me want to cry.

the surgeons requested i have 2 weeks off but the very corporate bank i work for have said they will not pay me for 10 days leave and we are a single income family.

[mom4ever]

Wow, I always thought of banks as cold and impersonal in general, now ... how harsh

[ozv]

Dear Noisykea. First of all, let me say I'm very sorry for your loss and that I have just went through the identical situation.. 2 years after you. Last Thursday.

My short story- Also 2 kids at home, loving family, DH not really wanting any more kids, me - secretly wanting the 3rd... I also collapsed and fainted at home with abdominal pains and symptoms (of what we thought) was food poisoning. Due to the doctors' negligence my further symptoms of sharp pains in the shoulders area and uncontrollable shaking were largely ignored at the Emergency rooms for 5 hours.. Eventually, someone had an epiphany and I was diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy which was quickly confirmed with blood tests and Ultrasound. Due to internal bleeding cased by the raptured tube, I lost 3.5 L of blood, which is nearly all of it. In the nick of time, I got the blood transfusion. Luckily I survived, which I can hardly believe now, I never though of myself as particularly strong or fit woman.. The doctors said to thank my lucky stars, I didn't even know I had any

Funnily, I had no sign of pregnancy, not one - no bleeding or spotting, normal periods, no cravings, no morning sickness... I never knew that you can just collapse and die like this.. My husband thought I was falling asleep whilst I was sleeping in and out of conciseness whilst at home.. We even considered to 'sleep it off" at home. Fools..

Apart from coming to terms with the near death experience, bad treatment by the medical stuff and doctor's negligent delay in my treatment - I also grief the baby that never had a chance. My right tube was also removed.. You are right, men wouldn't understand it. My DH says - "it wasn't really a baby", but to me it was a life that came into my body and existed for a brief period of time even though I didn't know.. When the doctor first said "you are pregnant" on the operating table - I was hugely surprised but happy, I even asked if the baby would survive this "food poisoning" -but then I was advised it was ectopic... so no chance of course.

My DH says to me- you are experiencing post-traumatic stress to do with you near death, you have to be grateful with what you have and with the kids you have at home.. Of course, I am grateful. But the sadness and horror of that night overtakes me. Your letter moved me, even more so, it is nice to see that you have such a close bond with your partner. Many women cannot discuss such issues with their men...

Will we have a chance of a normal pregnancy? Will we in fact be given or take such opportunity and will we have the strength.. time will tell. Time will heal and I know God will show me the reason for all this happening.

I wonder how you are going after all this time. I hope you are well and your life is good and that you are strong and happy within yourself!

Lots of love
OzV