Post by ruby on Jul 8, 2010 6:52:44 GMT -5
I am writing this story tonight because I feel very alone at the moment, wanting to talk about what happened but there is no-one here. I had a miscarriage 5 nights ago. I already have four precious children, but we very much wanted another baby in our lives. Usually we get pregnant very quickly but this time it took 6months of trying. I was so happy when it happened at last. However, I was surprised at how little morning sickness I suffered. I thought my body must have got used to the idea of pregnancy since it was my fifth! The timing seemed great. I was so excited, and couldn't wait to tell my children as I knew they also would be delighted. We don't tell people about our pregnancies until the first scan at 12 weeks ... I had just 3 weeks to go before we told the world! God had miraculously saved the life of me and my third child - we had both nearly died while I was pregnant with him - and I thought God would protect all my future babies as we had had such a traumatic time ... it felt to me as though we had been through the 'bad part' of our lives and that we would not have any more difficulties. My fourth pregnancy was the easiest I had ever had, despite the fact most people thought it was too risky. We had faith that it would be ok, and it was.
Thats one reason why it was such a shock when I started bleeding on Friday afternoon. It was around the time that my period would have been due so i tried to assure myself it was just a bit of spotting and would soon go away. But it didn't. I was on holiday with my children at the time and the whole weekend was a special family time of celebration ... I felt I had to conceal what was going on with me so that no-one noticed as it would ruin the weekend. I was a bit scared but still had alot of hope it would be ok. I saw a doctor who said it was a 50-50 chance of miscarriage. My husband decided to fly up and join me to support me, whatever happened. I was so glad when he came. Saturday evening, during the family celebration, I realised the bleeding had increased. I went to the bathroom and was horrified when clumps of matter fell from me. I had been told to expect blood clots but nothing like this. I spent the evening trying to cover up what was happening and talk to people as best I could, while periodically going to the bathroom and dealing with more clots. Finally as soon as I thought I could, we left the gathering. Later that night I became concerned about the amount of blood I was losing. I phoned a healthline who told me to go to hospital. It was at that point I had to wake my mother so she could help my children if they woke in the night. That was the first she knew that something was wrong. At the hospital I was flooding my clothing with blood. Other people I know have had miscarriages but I never knew how shocking the experience is, to have such clumps of matter falling from you, to have no control over any of it. The medical staff were very helpful and non-invasive. After talking to me a long time and checking my blood pressure etc I was sent home for nature to take its course. The rest of the night I continued to miscarry. Early in the morning I was frightened again as I was so cold and lightheaded. I had to crawl back to bed and was in a sweat despite being so cold. But they had told me it was rare for a woman to bleed dangerously so I eventually got off to sleep. When I woke that morning, the worst of the miscarriage was over. I don;t know if I will ever feel ok about the fact that my baby has been lost down a toilet. I was not warned about the clumps of tissue and no-one suggested I be ready to try and save anything to bury ... so that is a horrible thought I have to live with.
The weekend continued, people knew I was unwell and my parents and siblings knew about the miscarriage, but I had to keep going as though nothing had happened for the sake of my children who knew nothing, and becuase it was a very special weekend for my family and I did not want to ruin it.
I think having to put a brave face on it has pushed me through the grief ... there has been no opportunity to dwell on my feelings, except to now and then feel tearful that I will not hold my baby, and that so much time has been lost in my life in creating this child only to now be wasted.
Physically I am doing extremely well, pretty much normal really which is amazing given the few days since it all happened. I can see some good from the miscarriage in that I now can empathise a great deal with others who have suffered this loss in their lives. I had no idea of what it was like to go through a miscarriage, and how messy and traumatic it is. I look forward to going to heaven and meeting my baby. I know he or she are there waiting for me.
I am still deciding about telling my children. In a way I would like to so that I can then talk about the baby I lost. Keeping the knowledge hidden is an extra burden but at the same time, I want to shield my children from the grief and pain, so that is something I will think on a bit longer.
I definitely want to try again immediately. I love babies and I so much want another one, two or three or four! God has performed miracles in our lives before. He did not this time but I still believe that He loves me and will bring good out of this. We live in a world of grief and pain. I did wonder if I did anything to cause the miscarriage, but really I believe that this baby was imperfectly formed and would never have survived. I am a mother of five. Four on earth and one in heaven. One day I will be united with all my children and there will be no more tears or grief. That is my hope.
Thats one reason why it was such a shock when I started bleeding on Friday afternoon. It was around the time that my period would have been due so i tried to assure myself it was just a bit of spotting and would soon go away. But it didn't. I was on holiday with my children at the time and the whole weekend was a special family time of celebration ... I felt I had to conceal what was going on with me so that no-one noticed as it would ruin the weekend. I was a bit scared but still had alot of hope it would be ok. I saw a doctor who said it was a 50-50 chance of miscarriage. My husband decided to fly up and join me to support me, whatever happened. I was so glad when he came. Saturday evening, during the family celebration, I realised the bleeding had increased. I went to the bathroom and was horrified when clumps of matter fell from me. I had been told to expect blood clots but nothing like this. I spent the evening trying to cover up what was happening and talk to people as best I could, while periodically going to the bathroom and dealing with more clots. Finally as soon as I thought I could, we left the gathering. Later that night I became concerned about the amount of blood I was losing. I phoned a healthline who told me to go to hospital. It was at that point I had to wake my mother so she could help my children if they woke in the night. That was the first she knew that something was wrong. At the hospital I was flooding my clothing with blood. Other people I know have had miscarriages but I never knew how shocking the experience is, to have such clumps of matter falling from you, to have no control over any of it. The medical staff were very helpful and non-invasive. After talking to me a long time and checking my blood pressure etc I was sent home for nature to take its course. The rest of the night I continued to miscarry. Early in the morning I was frightened again as I was so cold and lightheaded. I had to crawl back to bed and was in a sweat despite being so cold. But they had told me it was rare for a woman to bleed dangerously so I eventually got off to sleep. When I woke that morning, the worst of the miscarriage was over. I don;t know if I will ever feel ok about the fact that my baby has been lost down a toilet. I was not warned about the clumps of tissue and no-one suggested I be ready to try and save anything to bury ... so that is a horrible thought I have to live with.
The weekend continued, people knew I was unwell and my parents and siblings knew about the miscarriage, but I had to keep going as though nothing had happened for the sake of my children who knew nothing, and becuase it was a very special weekend for my family and I did not want to ruin it.
I think having to put a brave face on it has pushed me through the grief ... there has been no opportunity to dwell on my feelings, except to now and then feel tearful that I will not hold my baby, and that so much time has been lost in my life in creating this child only to now be wasted.
Physically I am doing extremely well, pretty much normal really which is amazing given the few days since it all happened. I can see some good from the miscarriage in that I now can empathise a great deal with others who have suffered this loss in their lives. I had no idea of what it was like to go through a miscarriage, and how messy and traumatic it is. I look forward to going to heaven and meeting my baby. I know he or she are there waiting for me.
I am still deciding about telling my children. In a way I would like to so that I can then talk about the baby I lost. Keeping the knowledge hidden is an extra burden but at the same time, I want to shield my children from the grief and pain, so that is something I will think on a bit longer.
I definitely want to try again immediately. I love babies and I so much want another one, two or three or four! God has performed miracles in our lives before. He did not this time but I still believe that He loves me and will bring good out of this. We live in a world of grief and pain. I did wonder if I did anything to cause the miscarriage, but really I believe that this baby was imperfectly formed and would never have survived. I am a mother of five. Four on earth and one in heaven. One day I will be united with all my children and there will be no more tears or grief. That is my hope.
