Post by nursejenn on Jun 19, 2010 20:05:24 GMT -5
I need help. I need to find other people like me. And I am trying really hard to not be picky.
I lost my son, Mikey, last July. Originally the coroner ruled his death due to Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, however, during the rest of the family being ruled out, it was determined he did not have HCM. So now, I am faced with his loss all over again, and I am being told they have no cause to give us.
Here is where the picky part comes in.
Ive never been a big believer in the man upstairs, and after this, my faith is gone. I cannot believe that god had a plan, that I will understand one day, that he needed another angel. Now I am not here to bash religion, but I am looking for a place where I can cry, I can find others like me, others that are suffering inside so bad, without having to hear it was all a part of this wonderful magical god's plan. I am not here to bash other peoples beliefs, but this was just the catalyst in a line of events that have lead me to this point in my life. I really hope I am in the right place.
Back to Mikey...
He was at his father's house, and curled up in the recliner to go to sleep. In the morning, his father went to wake him, and found him unresponsive. He attempted CPR, and when the medics arrived, they attempted to revive him, but knew that it was too late. My exhusband insisted he must have choked on a piece of candy, which the coroner determined later to not be the case. I got the call at work that Sunday morning, to come home, and arrived at my exhusband's house to find the block roped off, police cars, coroner van, forensic units, detectives, and a ton of rubber neckers all gawking at the house. I refused to allow them to take him until I saw my baby. I couldnt wrap my head around the fact that my healthy, beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed baby of 7 years and 10 months that day, was gone. After much deliberation and fighting, they agreed to let me in the house.
I walked in to find my son, on the dining room floor, his little hands still curled the way they were when he sleeps, his head facing to the left, and that one little hand pulled up by his face. I still remember every second of that week in vivid detail. I remember being so shocked that I could sit on the porch, looking around me, and being able to notice things. Who was there, what was being said, every question the police had. He had been to a graduation party with his dad the night before, which I didn't know before I got there, and became convinced something must have happened there. Maybe he got into some dumb kid's drugs, maybe someone had some spiked punch. Bigger kids sometimes forget about littler kids. That turned out to not be the case.
A few days later, I had no answers yet, other than "tox was clean, no foul play, no blunt force trauma, nothing yet, ma'am". Then, they said two words that infuriated me. Natural Causes. What is natural about a 7 year old boy dying? NOTHING.
Mikey was active, healthy, and a happy 7 year old boy. He played football (Left Bench as he called it), video games (A huge Halo fan, and my guitar hero rival), had just been camping with me the weekend before. He loved to swim, ride bikes, and loved anything with skulls on it. The year before, I took him to the beach for the first time, and watched him learn how to "surf" (his term for boogie boarding). He woke in the morning, and ran all day. Come night time, he would settle into bed, and ask what was going on tomorrow. He always looked forward to what tomorrow was bringing. He loved to spend time with his sister, and they were totally inseparable. They were twins born 3 years apart. Natural causes my butt.
The funeral came and went, not without event, and I am sure I will find places to talk about that on here, and the next week, I got a call from the coroner's office with their "official cause of death". Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy with Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. Im a nurse, and even at that, I had to stop and string all the words together, because my first words were "That is impossible, he didnt have a heart condition". I was not accepting this. I called the pediatrician, called everyone I could, and had my daughters checked. I was in school at the time, so I had no health insurance, and decided that until I was finished with school in February i would have to take it easy.
February came and went, I got a job with benefits again, and the first stop for me was to have an echo and EKG. I took the copy of the coroner's report with me, and the cardiologist immediately questioned the diagnosis. They requested the slides from the coroner, and I assured myself, that after all this time, I had come to terms with this silent heart condition, that it was just an issue with the wording, and they would tell me this is what he had. Not the case. Just after Mother's Day, they called me at work to stop over in cardiology (since I work at the hospital where my cardiologist is at), and they dropped the bombshell. It was not HCM that killed him, and "I'm sorry, but it took so long to get back to you (4 weeks), because we were trying to determine what the cause actually was, and we have not been able to find a cause". Now at this point I found out the pathologist at the local Children's Hospital was involved, reviewed all the reports, slides, samples, lab results, etc. and could not determine his cause of death.
So now, I lost him a second time. I am at square one. I am in limbo. My girls are moving forward with life, slowly, and I can't. I miss my baby every day. I think about him constantly. It doesn't help that I wasnt able to grieve when I was supposed to. I took a week of school for his funeral, and returned to school, because "its only a couple more weeks", then it was focusing on getting my daughter started in middle school and at a new school district, then it was the start of a new semester for me, my final semester, and I came this far, so I might as well finish up, then it was the holidays, then it was the last couple weeks of school, a half a semester, then it was graduation, then it was starting a new job, and orientation for the new job, and in between this all, there were some other massive family issues that happened. I wasn't really able to take the time I needed, and I really should have.
I dont know where to turn next. I am in therapy, and today's session is probably brought this all about. We discussed how life changed after Mikey died, and that the life we had before is gone. I'm not able to move forward, I lost the life I had, and I am not adjusting well to this new "Mikeyless life". I hate it. I despise my life. Its not the life I had, its not the life I want.
I hate to go to happy events now, wedding showers, baby showers, because everyone is happy, and I am not. Yes, I know I am depressed. I have diagnosed that a long time ago. I find no joy in the things I enjoyed before, because they have Mikey attached to it. Nothing is the same without him. I miss this sound of his laughter, his devilish giggle, and the sound of him saying he loves me.
I know, I am supposed to be happy I am alive, that I have my girls, that I have a great job, but I'm not. Yes I am happy with those things, and I appreciate those things. I spend my time at work healing people so their families dont have to feel what I feel. I want to prevent others from suffering. It makes me a d**n good nurse.
I need people that understand me. But I need people that arent going to tell me about how god did this for a reason. I need people that will respect the fact that I dont believe in this god, and as long as I dont belittle people for their belief, they wont belittle me.
I lost my son, Mikey, last July. Originally the coroner ruled his death due to Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, however, during the rest of the family being ruled out, it was determined he did not have HCM. So now, I am faced with his loss all over again, and I am being told they have no cause to give us.
Here is where the picky part comes in.
Ive never been a big believer in the man upstairs, and after this, my faith is gone. I cannot believe that god had a plan, that I will understand one day, that he needed another angel. Now I am not here to bash religion, but I am looking for a place where I can cry, I can find others like me, others that are suffering inside so bad, without having to hear it was all a part of this wonderful magical god's plan. I am not here to bash other peoples beliefs, but this was just the catalyst in a line of events that have lead me to this point in my life. I really hope I am in the right place.
Back to Mikey...
He was at his father's house, and curled up in the recliner to go to sleep. In the morning, his father went to wake him, and found him unresponsive. He attempted CPR, and when the medics arrived, they attempted to revive him, but knew that it was too late. My exhusband insisted he must have choked on a piece of candy, which the coroner determined later to not be the case. I got the call at work that Sunday morning, to come home, and arrived at my exhusband's house to find the block roped off, police cars, coroner van, forensic units, detectives, and a ton of rubber neckers all gawking at the house. I refused to allow them to take him until I saw my baby. I couldnt wrap my head around the fact that my healthy, beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed baby of 7 years and 10 months that day, was gone. After much deliberation and fighting, they agreed to let me in the house.
I walked in to find my son, on the dining room floor, his little hands still curled the way they were when he sleeps, his head facing to the left, and that one little hand pulled up by his face. I still remember every second of that week in vivid detail. I remember being so shocked that I could sit on the porch, looking around me, and being able to notice things. Who was there, what was being said, every question the police had. He had been to a graduation party with his dad the night before, which I didn't know before I got there, and became convinced something must have happened there. Maybe he got into some dumb kid's drugs, maybe someone had some spiked punch. Bigger kids sometimes forget about littler kids. That turned out to not be the case.
A few days later, I had no answers yet, other than "tox was clean, no foul play, no blunt force trauma, nothing yet, ma'am". Then, they said two words that infuriated me. Natural Causes. What is natural about a 7 year old boy dying? NOTHING.
Mikey was active, healthy, and a happy 7 year old boy. He played football (Left Bench as he called it), video games (A huge Halo fan, and my guitar hero rival), had just been camping with me the weekend before. He loved to swim, ride bikes, and loved anything with skulls on it. The year before, I took him to the beach for the first time, and watched him learn how to "surf" (his term for boogie boarding). He woke in the morning, and ran all day. Come night time, he would settle into bed, and ask what was going on tomorrow. He always looked forward to what tomorrow was bringing. He loved to spend time with his sister, and they were totally inseparable. They were twins born 3 years apart. Natural causes my butt.
The funeral came and went, not without event, and I am sure I will find places to talk about that on here, and the next week, I got a call from the coroner's office with their "official cause of death". Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy with Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. Im a nurse, and even at that, I had to stop and string all the words together, because my first words were "That is impossible, he didnt have a heart condition". I was not accepting this. I called the pediatrician, called everyone I could, and had my daughters checked. I was in school at the time, so I had no health insurance, and decided that until I was finished with school in February i would have to take it easy.
February came and went, I got a job with benefits again, and the first stop for me was to have an echo and EKG. I took the copy of the coroner's report with me, and the cardiologist immediately questioned the diagnosis. They requested the slides from the coroner, and I assured myself, that after all this time, I had come to terms with this silent heart condition, that it was just an issue with the wording, and they would tell me this is what he had. Not the case. Just after Mother's Day, they called me at work to stop over in cardiology (since I work at the hospital where my cardiologist is at), and they dropped the bombshell. It was not HCM that killed him, and "I'm sorry, but it took so long to get back to you (4 weeks), because we were trying to determine what the cause actually was, and we have not been able to find a cause". Now at this point I found out the pathologist at the local Children's Hospital was involved, reviewed all the reports, slides, samples, lab results, etc. and could not determine his cause of death.
So now, I lost him a second time. I am at square one. I am in limbo. My girls are moving forward with life, slowly, and I can't. I miss my baby every day. I think about him constantly. It doesn't help that I wasnt able to grieve when I was supposed to. I took a week of school for his funeral, and returned to school, because "its only a couple more weeks", then it was focusing on getting my daughter started in middle school and at a new school district, then it was the start of a new semester for me, my final semester, and I came this far, so I might as well finish up, then it was the holidays, then it was the last couple weeks of school, a half a semester, then it was graduation, then it was starting a new job, and orientation for the new job, and in between this all, there were some other massive family issues that happened. I wasn't really able to take the time I needed, and I really should have.
I dont know where to turn next. I am in therapy, and today's session is probably brought this all about. We discussed how life changed after Mikey died, and that the life we had before is gone. I'm not able to move forward, I lost the life I had, and I am not adjusting well to this new "Mikeyless life". I hate it. I despise my life. Its not the life I had, its not the life I want.
I hate to go to happy events now, wedding showers, baby showers, because everyone is happy, and I am not. Yes, I know I am depressed. I have diagnosed that a long time ago. I find no joy in the things I enjoyed before, because they have Mikey attached to it. Nothing is the same without him. I miss this sound of his laughter, his devilish giggle, and the sound of him saying he loves me.
I know, I am supposed to be happy I am alive, that I have my girls, that I have a great job, but I'm not. Yes I am happy with those things, and I appreciate those things. I spend my time at work healing people so their families dont have to feel what I feel. I want to prevent others from suffering. It makes me a d**n good nurse.
I need people that understand me. But I need people that arent going to tell me about how god did this for a reason. I need people that will respect the fact that I dont believe in this god, and as long as I dont belittle people for their belief, they wont belittle me.
.....
......I'm sure you will find the help & support you need there or on the LOTA board too.
