Post by ALittleMelodie on Jun 7, 2010 0:14:46 GMT -5
This is incrediably hard for me to do. As this is the month I am joining my IVF program, and to explain, hurt a little. I do not have any infertile issues, so I'm not quite sure this is the right section for me. If it isn't, then I sincerely apologize. I also apologize that this might be a little longer that a usual post.
It has taken me quite a few years to be ready for this. I was a young mother in my teens, and my three children are now angels. I am quite frightened, but now at 24, I feel ready to hold more love in my heart. A million things are going through my mind at this point, as I'm sure it probably does for a lot. I still blame myself for the loss of my babies, and I constantly still wonder if I'll make the same mistakes again.
To explain, my children were not planned, but they were a miracle. The events which happened that gave them to me, hurts more than I can explain, but I would NEVER regret them for a second. They were my light out of those dark places, and it was/is the only thing I can smile about. They were literally my savoirs who sadly left me too soon.
In saying that, I thought they I would never have another child again, I was frightened of intimacy, relationships, and to put quite plainly; men. I discovered however, that a friend I had grown up with since toddlerhood, was my soulmate. We became engaged and we made the decision that we would have children. Unfortunately in January, he passed away from a heart attack at his very young age.
I made the decision to go through IVF and even though he is not here with me, I know he's looking down on me in encouragement somehow. I believe it's the right thing to do, because I don't think I will ever find another like him, someone who I want to spend my whole world with, and my children. He was one in a billion and I don't think I could have such a connection with someone like I had with him for almost 24 years.
But the truth is, Ii'm scared. Last night I had a frightening thought that I wasn't ready after thinking of my children. The pain never seems to go away, and I'm scared that something will go wrong. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has ever felt this way, especially after almost 7 and 8 years.
This month would be my Faith and Kimmy's 8th birthday. Faith's 7th anniversary passed only a week ago and Kimmy's memory lingers on their birthday. I chose this month because of that and even though nothing will not come of it for probably the next few months, I'm still wondering if I'm ready.
How do you know you're ready if the pain never goes away?
But aside from that, this is my first time going through any type of process or "planning". I'm not sure what I should be aware of, especially when the hormones kick in. I was pretty much still a child the last time and didn't know what I was doing. I don't know what to expect or what my first moves should be. It's a very different type of IVF process, it's SI, but safe and affordable. Am I supposed to inform my doctor, look for new one?
If someone can give me some advice or let me know of the steps I should take, I would more than appreciate it. I'll be doing this on my own, and as a single mother by choice, so I could really use some help and support.
It has taken me quite a few years to be ready for this. I was a young mother in my teens, and my three children are now angels. I am quite frightened, but now at 24, I feel ready to hold more love in my heart. A million things are going through my mind at this point, as I'm sure it probably does for a lot. I still blame myself for the loss of my babies, and I constantly still wonder if I'll make the same mistakes again.
To explain, my children were not planned, but they were a miracle. The events which happened that gave them to me, hurts more than I can explain, but I would NEVER regret them for a second. They were my light out of those dark places, and it was/is the only thing I can smile about. They were literally my savoirs who sadly left me too soon.
In saying that, I thought they I would never have another child again, I was frightened of intimacy, relationships, and to put quite plainly; men. I discovered however, that a friend I had grown up with since toddlerhood, was my soulmate. We became engaged and we made the decision that we would have children. Unfortunately in January, he passed away from a heart attack at his very young age.
I made the decision to go through IVF and even though he is not here with me, I know he's looking down on me in encouragement somehow. I believe it's the right thing to do, because I don't think I will ever find another like him, someone who I want to spend my whole world with, and my children. He was one in a billion and I don't think I could have such a connection with someone like I had with him for almost 24 years.
But the truth is, Ii'm scared. Last night I had a frightening thought that I wasn't ready after thinking of my children. The pain never seems to go away, and I'm scared that something will go wrong. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has ever felt this way, especially after almost 7 and 8 years.
This month would be my Faith and Kimmy's 8th birthday. Faith's 7th anniversary passed only a week ago and Kimmy's memory lingers on their birthday. I chose this month because of that and even though nothing will not come of it for probably the next few months, I'm still wondering if I'm ready.
How do you know you're ready if the pain never goes away?
But aside from that, this is my first time going through any type of process or "planning". I'm not sure what I should be aware of, especially when the hormones kick in. I was pretty much still a child the last time and didn't know what I was doing. I don't know what to expect or what my first moves should be. It's a very different type of IVF process, it's SI, but safe and affordable. Am I supposed to inform my doctor, look for new one?
If someone can give me some advice or let me know of the steps I should take, I would more than appreciate it. I'll be doing this on my own, and as a single mother by choice, so I could really use some help and support.
